The Elements and Me
by Mr.Derpface
Summary: People think I'm crazy. That, without realizing it, I had created a fantasy world of wonders, of where talking Pegasus and freaking Unicorns shat words out like they were dictionaries! Those Six RUINED, my life. Just from one measly experiment to the next. This is my story. The people who thought I was crazy, didn't call me so crazy after they saw what happened in Equestria...
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

 _BOOM_

What in the blue blazes was that?! Jesus, it sounds like someone's in my h-

Great, just great. The one day I get told to _not_ kill him, I have to. I would understand, if he knocked. Hell, asked me even. But to go as far to try and blow up my house, deserves more than a promise. And he woke me up. Peachy.

I sit up, mind fully alert and ready for just about anything. The persistent feeling of somebody in your house just being there, causing adrenaline and god knows what else to pump in my veins.

Throwing my legs about the bed into my shoes and standing made some floorboards creak. Hopefully not alerting whomever was in here, I checked the clock next to the bed. Imagine my curiosity when it showed just black.

I looked up, normally my fan was on too. Did I pay the electric bill? Yeah, I did actually. Five days ago. Then why the hell… I swear if he cut my power...

There was a loud thump downstairs, followed by the sound of various voices. Ah, it isn't… Who I thought it was... so who was in my house? Making sure I was at least suitable for getting my ass kicked, I looked towards my closet adjacent to my bed, fumbling in the pitch black for… Found ya, you bastard.

I gripped my weapon in hand, trusty slugger, bat extraordinaire, ladies and gents, I give you Batman. Dark as the night outside my window and hits as hard as steel...Which it is. Horrible pun I know, but bats are not only good for hitting balls out of parks now. Okay, maybe that too if you catch my drift. Regardless, I hefted it to my side, checking my pockets to make sure I had everything from the night before.

See, I don't normally sleep in my clothes because I hate getting hot inside a blanket, on top of a clean bed. But tonight was a special case as per I worked late. So when I came home, I was really tired. Go figure.

I did, however, have my essentials on me, including a knife, my smokes, and wallet. Which was empty.

Anyways. Trying to find the door was easy, as per the odd glow that came from underneath of it. But when I clicked on my bedroom light, not even that turned on. Is it still a Power outage?

I stepped out into the hallway, my bathroom to the right of me and a staircase that led downstairs. It was those two rooms, followed by the attic that was the upstairs portion of my abode. While listening to any sudden outbursts from downstairs, I waltzed into the bathroom and tried the light. No success.

Damn… Maybe that sound was a nearby plant blowing up. Wonder how long that would take… So it was a definite, power was out. Don't even need to check the attic because of so.

Heh… Attic. Never went up there. I was scared shitless of what was up there when I first moved here, and still am to this day. Probably because my mind cooked up some sort of hideous monster that lives there. Technically, his name is Jared. But I call him Billy.

It both boosts my morale and gives me a giggle every time I cuss at him. What? I have a right to step on him. That fucker eats my socks! I have been missing my left ones for over a year now!

The sound of another loud thud and several shushes alerted me back to the precarious situation I was still in. I moved quickly to the stairs and peered down.

Down the darkened stairwell, there was that glow again. It was light blue, like as if I had left the t.v. on. But I didn't? Right? Gah! I hate being confuzzled! The power was off in my room, bathroom and attic, so fuck alls given if the rest of the house had no power too.

But yet, the glow was there…

I made my way down the steps, one shoe in front of the other. The bat was consciously brought into my swinging stance as I crept to the wall at the bottom of the staircase.

I hoped, sincerely hoped, that I left the t.v. on. It would explain the glow, and whispers I was hearing now…

"What do you mean, _hold on_? What if somepony hears us?!"

Somepony? What?

"Shhh! Just let the mare concentrate. Her spell requires some work I'll have you know."

"What would you know? All you know what to cast is the levitation spell!"

I blinked. Honestly, after the occurring grammar mishaps, followed by the indenting fact that those who were talking, were _girls,_ set several more alarms off in my head.

"Umm… I think we should listen to Rarity girls… She and Twilight do have a point. I couldn't imagine what would happen if we woke up who lives here."

"Oh phoey, I can take 'em!"

Heh, right.

"SHHH! We're playing the quiet game!... Oh shoot… I lost didn't I?"

"I'm afraid so Pinkie."

What in the actual… My curiosity got the better of me. I found my head peering behind the wall, searching for the voices.

The room, although lit by the eerie glow, was still pitch black, sparse for the moonlight cascading into the room. I found the couch, there was the chair… The t.v. was on… Wait a minute…

My mouth worked against my teeth, the grinding of my molars becoming the prominent sound in the room. I _did_ leave the television on. But it was on static. Shit, talk about barging in on an electric bill that's high enough as it is.

While I was looking, I must've shifted my weight on a board or something, because the next thing I know, I hear the...voices start up again,

"D...did you hear that?"

"Oh, so you still brave enough to take them on now?"

There they are… I use, they, wisely. And get used to seeing it used. It was more like, the six of them. Counting off the shadows again, yes indeed, Six. But they were hiding behind my couch…. _My Couch._

So, with a steely determination, I crept from the wall and into the hallway, careful to feel around for anything I might bump into, or trip over. Thankfully along the way, I had some sort of grace, allowing my clumsy self to reach my goal in quiet.

The kitchen.

The kitchen was more spacious and held less of a challenge for me to walk around in, apart from the mishaps of the night before. So imagine my surprise when I stepped on a fork. Around the time I got to the table, I began to question my methods of trying to sneak.

Should I try to roll into the next room? Yell at them while I'm at it? Good idea, but I'm sure I'll fuck it up somehow…

Ooh! Throw the bat at them!

Definitely surprising… But I don't want to hurt them…

I could just say hi?

Whilst thinking of how I should confront my attackers, I subconsciously made my way around the room, making it all the way towards the beginning of where they were.

It was now or never right? I still couldn't see them, and from the distance I was, (measuring to about I don't know how many feet, fuck you), I was pretty sure they couldn't see me.

So I inched forward, slowly but surely.

"Twilight, hurry up! I think I hear somepony coming!"

That was the quiet one… God should I do this? They sounded like they were trying to… No. Keep going.

"I'm… Trying… It just won't work!"

There was a small spark in the darkness. Their outlines become more clearer as my eyes adjusted.

"Well try harder! I rreeeaalllyy feel like we shouldn't be here."

I was close enough to reach out and touch them. And because of that proximity, I could see fully, all of who and what they were.

"Got it!"

A light flared up, illuminating just about everything, including me with my bat raised and the group of banditos huddled back against my furniture.

To this day, I have yet to figure out if I took my prescription pills, or my neighbor slipped acid in my soda. Because what was in front of me could wipe the grin and sarcastic remark out of anyone who called me a liar.

Small horses.

But… Not just any small horses… When the light came on, it was made apparent that two of these said… ponies… had horns atop their heads… and another two had… wings…Oh thank Bob, at least the last of them were regular… If not for the damn colors and stereotypical formalities.

Within the fraction of the lights second, I was able to individually glance at all six, each one ranging in yet again, the colors and other physical differences.

First and foremost, if I hadn't been as pumped up as I was just trying to figure out what I was dealing with, I would've screamed in agony at how the canvas colors reflected in my irises. The six ranged from a dreaded pink, to a pale yellow and between the middle of it all, I shit you not, lay a rainbow colored one too.

Did I mention there was a pink one? No..? Shit…

Regardless of their colors, and differences, I made the fatal of mistake of standing there like an idiot. Frankly, it was rather awkward too.

So, there I was, the guy with a bat held high, what do you think I did?

"Uh… Hi?"

Cue the sound of stereotypical drums. Well it was worth a try. Several things happened after that, the reactions, coinciding with the screams could've shattered every window in my house.

"GET HIM!"

Cue the informal glomp, and there was a giant pile of colors on me. Well.. that's what it looked like. I couldn't see anything past tan and blue. Ah great, ITS IN MY MOUTH, I'M TASTING RAINBOW, FUCK.

Some of them broke away, leaving just me and two others to roll around on the floor. The both of them, the cyan one and orange, backed me into a corner eventually.

What? I'm weak as all get out. Deal with it.

Sparsely, I threw a lucky fist and hit _something_ , but who knows what it was, because after a while, I figured out that somehow one of them had tied me up. If given time, and the moments of trying to even measure of how random it was, I would know how they did it. But my stupidity caused me to be thrown against a wall and pinned by one of them.

The cyan one I think. She held my shirt in her… Hoof… While the one with the Stetson held her… Ooooohhhh… Of course. I would have to say that on a scale of one to whatthefuck?, this was pretty close to the top. Not quite there though…

Unsure of what to do next, I locked gazes with the one pony hovering in front of me,

"You know, I said hi, followed by a hello… Is pretty formal. Wanna try again?"

The cyan one spat, "Hi."

I smirked, "Hello."

After she rolled her strange rose colored irises, the four that weren't full fledged nicking my day, cautiously crept from the sidelines. The pink bouncing over from out of nowhere. Literally. She like, came out of the fucking wall or something.

"Hiya!" She said energetically, landing two feet in front of my face.

The cyan one glared at her for a moment, her head swiveling so that she was following her cohort, "Be quiet! We don't know if it's dangerous or not!"

This triggered something in my mind.

"What the hell do you mean by _it_? I should be calling you that since you're six talking… PONIES. I'm a fucking _living_ being. I'm _sentient_! I HAVE _**THUMBS**_!"

The pink one suddenly smiled, putting her hoof to her mouth and blowing on it on it, causing weird finger looking appendages to pop out.

What? Wait… What? What?! How in the he-...

The cyan pony sighed. "Pinkie! Now is not the time!"

"But, Rainbow! I wanna talk to him! Can I please?! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

I blinked at this. The one with a rainbow on her head and ass was called Rainbow. FUCKING BRILLIANT! _**SO GOD DAMN BRILLIANT!**_

"So.. wait…" I began, my tired mind turning the cogs around, "If I punch you, do I get free skittles?"

Rainbow pony glared at me and raised her other hoof. "No, you get a face full of hoof."

"Dammit. I wanted some fucking skittles." There goes my night.

The purple pony with a weird stripe in her mane walked over, her horn aglow, "What are you?"

I squinted, technically, I should be asking them that..

"First off, before we go pointing fi-..." I blinked, "Our appendages at any... thing… let's just calm the hell down. You got me in a knot, and I don't appreciate it." Great. Now I was trying to reason with them.

The orange one mumbled with a mouth full of rope, "An' whaddya propose we do? Let ya out the rope?"

I shrugged, which mind you, was hard to do when tied up, "It's a start."

Rainbow jostled me and again, raising her hoof, "I don't exactly believe you, how do we know you won't attack us or something?"

"Because you attacked, _me._ Case in point, why should I trust you?! YOU FUCKING BROKE INTO MY HOUSE!"

The violet one… Pretty sure I heard one of them name Twilight, spoke, "Broke into? You must be mistaken."

"My house. You're in it. I didn't let you come inside. How is that not breaking in?"

Twilight countered calmly, "Because we didn't _break_ anything. Besides, this is purely on accident, I assure you. And if all of us would stay **calm** , we can all go our separate ways."

The white pony with the giant, curly mane nodded to this, peering from behind the couch, "Yes. We did not intend on coming here. We were trying to get out before we ran into anything.. then you came along. Sorry about that." She said as she used her magic to untie the rope.

Amidst the pleas of, 'Don't do it, he'll eat us,' and several others, I rubbed my palms and slowly stood, "Alright, uh… Thanks? Which is… Weird saying to… You six… ponies?"

Pinkie suddenly burst in. "Yeah! All of us are ponies!"

I gasped my mood swinging, "Really?! Oh my heavens! And here I thought you were Santa's fucking elves! Talk about giving me coal!"

Rainbow scoffed, "Should've tied his mouth up too."

I looked at her, "Was I talking to you, skittles?"

Pinkie giggled at all of this. But alas, it was Twilight who answered,

"Anyway, we again, apologize. If anypony is to blame, It's me."

I raised a brow, eventually settling on folding my arms, "Indeed?"

"It would seem so. I may have mixed up a transportation spell, a larger one than I thought. I should've planned for this…"

I cocked my head, "Spell? Like… Magic?" Please be a dream. Just a messed up hangover, or acid.

Twilight confirmed my suspicions with a nod, "And to go back, I need to cast that same spell in reverse. That's why we… Sorta attacked you."

I scoffed, "Sorta being the key word. You knew what you were doing."

Rainbow mocked a roll of the arm, "Yeah? And we'll do it again if you try any funny business."

"Look, skittleass, I'm not gonna do anything."

"It isn't skittleass alright, it's Rainbow-Dash! Fastest flyer in Equestria!"

I shrugged, "Uh-huh. And I'm your friendly neighborhood jackass."

The white one perked up from the couch, "Hugh… Jah Kass?"

I pursed my lips, "Eh, close enough."

Twilight stepped in, "Regardless! Hugh… Or whatever your name is, I believe we need to leave."

I nodded furiously, "Uh yeah, you know how much stain that you six staying here would put on my reputation?"

Pinkie tilted her head to the side. "Like a grape juice stain on carpet? From the little cardboard boxes with straws you poke through the little silver thingy?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but the sheer oddity of what Pinkie said halted my efforts. Strangely enough, she was right,

"Uh… Yeah. That. Look, point is, leave, please. If you think I'm bad, imagine fifteen more of me, times like, one million, all trying to see what you look like _on the inside_."

Twilight blanched at this and shivered, followed by the rest of the ponies doing fairly similar things.

Nonetheless, I watched as they all huddled together, Twilight being the one to do her spell thing. Whilst doing so, I grumbled quietly, finding refuge against a wall nearby.

So… How do I wrap my head around this one? I just had a conversation with ponies. And not just any ponies, I'm talking about Unicorns, and Pegasus's. Or would it be pegasi?

Eh. What I couldn't face, was how they all seemed so familiar. And on top of that, why I was being so calm about this. It's not everyday you talk to an animal and that animal talks back, unless it's a parakeet. But those conniving little cracker stealers don't count.

As Twilight's horn glowed brighter, I squinted, taking in each of the ponies before they left. Hopefully. It would make a great tale to tell someday, MY HOME, INVADED BY COLORFUL LITTLE PONIES!

I'd probably be laughed at, have a bottle smacked upside my head, and thrown down a nearby ditch. But I saw them with my own eyes. Call me a liar, and I'll set _you_ on fire. Hell… where did they come from?

Scratching my chin, I glanced at the two normal… Other ponies. The one with the Stetson and bunches of apples on her ass, and the Pink one, whose hair looked like cotton candy. It looked like they were… Drawn. Smushed together, or just plain thought of.

I haven't really been the type to fantasize of unicorns and pegasi. Okay, maybe once or twice, I've thought about riding a pegasus with rainbows coming from its ass into battle. BUT ONLY THAT. I didn't expect to see an actual pegasus the color _of_ the rainbow.

But life works in mysterious ways. Like a toaster.

"Oh no…"

My head snapped up, eyes trained on what was taking place before me. Although my thoughts had been short, what had transpired in that small amount of time escalated dramatically.

Still, all six were huddled close together, frightened, and watching in horror as Twilight's horn sparkled pure energy. The violet unicorns face was squinted, pain being the only word to describe what was coming of her spell.

I hopped off my wall and walked forward, concern matching those of her friends. But as I drew near, Twilight's horn bolted again, Lavender glows streaming to the floor, weaving along the tile and carpet.

Rainbow looked around and then towards me, eyes wide with shock, "WHAT'RE YOU, STUPID? MOVE!"

Ten Seconds. That was all it took for shit to roll.

The first second, One of the lavender tendrils snapped through my chest, piercing me all the way through and latching onto my back. My eyes went as wide as saucers and I choked.

As my stomach dropped ten times after two seconds, The tendril lifted me up as the rest of the six did. I grabbed my chest and grunted as I tried to lift the tendril away.

Three seconds in, I watched in mute agony as we were encased by a white sphere, the tendrils whirling around it like a swarm of bees. This was like some terminator bullcrap, WHY DID I WAKE UP FOR THIS?

Four seconds in, and I was wrenched towards the group, landing to the side of the shy one. That was the one I forgot about… Maybe because I never heard her speak up. Looking at her now, I was fairly certain she had fainted as per her eyes were lolling in the back of her head. Ah great, pink hair.

Everyone was panicking around the fifth second, except for Pinkie, who had… Somehow found a way to dangle upside down….

Six seconds, and another tendril latched around my neck, others doing the same for the six ponies. I tried grasping it and yanking it off, but my hand passed right through it, phasing so that I instead grabbed my shirt. What alarmed me, was that it was tightening around my neck, and it showed no signs of stopping.

Eight seconds and Twilight was screaming, and I watched as her eyes shot open, casting all of us in a white glow. And dear god… Did it _ **burn**_.

Nine seconds, I was screaming too. Just a litttttllleeee bit louder though.

Ten Seconds, and there was nothing left of us to begin with. On the outside of the white ball, it collapsed in on itself, eventually disappearing in a whisp of smoke. We, "winked", out of existence, leaving only one of my shoes and a soot covered floor.

Man. What a night.

 **A/N:**

 **So here to you, I give a story. Updating as fast as I can, which is dependent on if I'm beingblazy at the time or not.**

 **Regardless, thanks to Blazing Winds and DragonLord Ryukizoku for the ideas and laughs making this chapter. Check out BOTH their stories as per they won't disappoint.**

 **There was something else... Wait... I know this... OH!**

 **REVEIW!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Alright. So have you ever felt like you were… Squeezed? Besides that one time your were hugged to death. Well, let me clarify that actually, make it more visual. Imagine being shoved into the dryer, now that dryer is being stuffed into a tin can in which that tin can is being shoved through a keyhole the size of a pinkie finger.

That description best fits the feeling of discomfort in my chest and basically all around me. If I had to take a guess why, would have to be based on when I opened my eyes to see what was causing such a discomfort. Which believe me, I already tried doing. But it was like pepper spray. It burned.

Now, I wasn't only feeling discomfort, no, I was actually feeling quite brittle, like right after eating too many gummy bears. The feeling of being able to break at any moment.

So you could guess that I was scared shitless to do anything right now. But that brought me time to reminisce on what was going on around me through my closed eyes.

There was a slight breeze, which in itself, carried the smell of crisp apples, surprisingly enough; cake batter, and vegetables. It actually smelled like I was in Grammie's house, and she was cooking me some dinner. But it was the noise that turned my hopes around. Several voices, combined with multiple shouts of shop owners goods, spiked my curiosity even more.

"Fresh Carrots!"

Oooooooohhhn…. Now I'm hungry. C'mon, wake up ya lazy bastard.

Such a small task equaled to be quite a challenge, eliciting a horrid groan and a flare of pain everywhere. But pissing off midway of trying to sit up, was not about to happen.

It hurt, yes, but I could tell I was done when I couldn't lean forward anymore. Now all that was required of my lazy self, was to 'look' around.

I started slow, pushing down the desire to curl back into a ball and start screaming at how bright everything was. But I needed to find out just what the fuck was going on.

Last I remembered, and take note I was groaning while remembering this, were the… Ponies… That invaded my house. I remember the fact that they were about to leave… And then… Nothing. My mind is blank after that.

Well shit, guess I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Now that the damn sun glare had worn off, I could finally see everything. Not to mention, 'move around'. I coughed slowly, taking in the view around me with a growing sense of shock.

What? See how you feel if you wake up on top of a house. I wasn't on a porch, nor was I in a room, or at least _inside_ the house. I was simply stuck on top of a roof, wedged in between the shingles and the top of a chimney.

That's probably a reason I couldn't move…

The view was nice though. Morning sun, the birds were chirping, the awesome smell of Grammie kept me smiling, and that the house I was on was rather isolated. It was peaceful.

Blinking, I stood, carefully. I didn't want to become a pancake so early in the morning, so yeah, no falling. Once my legs couldn't bend upwards any further, I shakily worked my arms loose of their loss of blood. It was bad enough my foot had the prickles when your blood rushes in to fast.

Thankfully, the red shingled rooftop held my weight, and as I looked around more, I realized I couldn't put my tongue on where I was exactly. At least I wasn't sore anymore.

It was a town. Or maybe a village at that, I surmised a village being the better option because normally towns don't have people screaming at you to buy their shit. That's what the signs are for.

The buildings looked rather odd in my opinion, considering that they… Well they looked old timely. I mean, have you ever compared a new house to an old house? Well, people back in the old days knew how to build their houses. It was mandatory actually. Most of the time, it was for the fear of something tearing their houses down. Like natural reasons or physical reasons.

So the people back then _had_ to know how to build. It was either that, or they could kiss their land goodbye.

Nowadays, people build crappy houses on purpose. They actually want your house to break just so you can pocket less coin in making your crappy house, even crappier.

But hey. That's just me.

Nonetheless, that whole spiel is what I was getting from this rooftop and the building across the… Gap. So the building I was on, was across from a… Village hall of some sort. Huh, that's interesting actually.

I made sure that each step I took, was alright, and I wouldn't slip. I had to see more than just this rooftop. And judging from where the sound was coming from, I just had to climb a little bit.

Easier said than done if not for the fact I was missing one of my shoes…

BUT I CARRIED ON! Or I at least tried to. This shingles were slippery, let me tell ya. I managed, however, to grace myself in reaching the top. I grabbed the flat portion, hoisting myself up so that I flopped myself on my ass.

When I was done regretting my life's decisions, I took my time laughing about how stupid this was and sat up. Let's just say, that I wasn't laughing that much when I saw _them._

Holy shit… my eyes, although still reeling in the fact of how bright it was, widened, allowing my tired mind to soak in the indenting fact that, Dorothy… I'm not in Kansas anymore…

Far from it.

Ponies. Just so many Ponies. Ponies literally everywhere. They were chatting peacefully under cafés, some were flying in between clouds. Hell I think I saw one with headphones walk into the center square and walk out bobbing its head to some kind of beat.

Was this like a messed up Zootopia? I mean god, I don't want to be anything right now other than sane! I figured that the building I was on was actually another food point, and that the square had everything food related to it. So a food square basically. Great.

I stood, my mouth slowly hinging and unhinging from the lo and behold moments that occurred every two seconds. Now and then, I'd spot a new pony, I'd focus on that singular creature and slap myself silly because half the time, that same pony did things normally I would do.

Now, even though I could, could being a very key word, get used to seeing them. I

can't seem to figure out how they weren't a dull color. Like brown or grey. Because to see a fucking bright green unicorn talking to the pinkest red stallion?

Uh… No. Just… No. First off, WHERE THE HELL WAS I? Second off, ERMAGERD! PONIES!

Alright, think I'm done for n- _FAIRY GOD PARENTS!_

Now I'm done. Wait… Looking to my left, I watched as a regular pony tied off by balloons, do a Mary Poppins, eventually floating out of sight.

Oh dear god...

"TURNIPS! GET YOUR TURNIPS RIGHT HERE!"

Eww… Hate those things… I leaned forward, spotting a street vendor not so far below. He had a few ponies lined up for his stock, each of them reaching into their… Purses… Wait, wouldn't it technically be a saddlebag then?

Well, they reached into their saddlebags and pulled out… GOLD?! PLEASE TELL ME MY EYES DECEIVE MEH!

I immediately got to my hands and knees, watching in agape shock as, yes indeed, these ponies made gold appear and disappear just as quickly. Was that their currency?

Man, I need to get in on this, maybe sell it to the highest bidder when I… Get… Back…

Holy shizzles… TOPIC SWITCH! My mind over clocked, I was in a land filled with ponies, unicorns and pegasi….

Weren't those six I saw earlier just like the ones I'm seeing now? Twilight… That… Purple horned menace… Said she fucked up a spell of sorts… Wasn't it teleportation?

I clutched my chest, a slight breeze trickling past me again. This time, I noticed something off, looking down, I could see a hole the size of a dollar. It cut into my shirt and came out through the back. Great… My only good button-up, ruined…

Memory flashes later and I remember the spell she casted went wrong, again… But it didn't just affect the six, I got caught in it too.

I sat down on my rump and blinked a few sets of times, trying my hardest and failing to see how this was even remotely possible. It just didn't make a lick of sense!

Am I… was I just…. Teleported to where those ponies lived?!

Dammit… I slammed my hand on the rooftop, slowly feeling my anger begin to rise. Those… Ponies… I swear if I get my hands on them…

Before I could boil any further, My hand instinctively reached into my pockets, fishing out my pack of smokes. While putting one up for a flame, my other hand fished out the lighter.

Next thing I know, I'm calmer and smoking on top of a roof that I didn't own, inside of a land filled with equines. Funny how life works.

I guess you could say I was blowing off some steam.

Wait… Would that work since I'm… Nevermind.

After taking a drag, I held it in and took another glance around, seeing as how I had another goal to beat. Getting the hell off this roof.

Both sides had a pretty steep drop, one being onto the turnip guys stock, and the other onto the cold ass street. Standing, I carefully made my way back to one side of the roof, mindful of not letting myself be seen.

When I made it to the side with the straight plummet, I glanced down and decided that this way, wasn't going to go right if I didn't know what I was doing.

Basically, the straight plummet included clotheslines, a few window spots, and of course, the lovely street. Now, my mind, wanted to be badass and jump into the house through a window.

But I quickly slapped myself and reminded good old mind that I was a shitty climber and that would only result in me gracefully breaking my spine.

Another Drag.

Maybe I could catch myself _on_ the clothesline? But wait, normally that ends bad for some people and they lose their manhood, if you catch my drift. Besides, I think that catching hold onto a clothesline only works in cartoons.

Heh… Cartoons...

This would work every other way if the building was surrounded by even more buildings. But for some reason, a fucking idiot pony…. Or whoever built houses, decided that making a singular house in the middle of a food square was a good idea.

Again. That pony, is an idiot.

So with nothing to do but jump on that side, I turned on heel and made my way back up to the top to see if I could do anything better.

Quite frankly, this side looked fairly better, and that's what scared me. It was that I had only this side to go down, and it included me introducing myself to about… Oh I don't know… Every single pony?

I crossed my arms and sighed, smoke billowing out, floating away into the clouds. So it was either down this way… Or jumping the fuck off the building…

I put out the cigarette with my foot, (My one shoed self), glancing around like someone was watching me and shook my head,

"I must be going crazy…"

Know one thing, I believe I mentioned once or twice that I was a terrible climber. Well, that and I have a tendency to make dramatic entrances. If you put to and too together, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Now, buildings, as a whole, have one thing most landscapers hate having to clean out. If you're having a hard time guessing, the answer is Rain Gutters. Well, I was lucky to find one that draped down the side of the building and into the square.

All I had to do was slide down it. Simple.

Yeah no.

This particular rain gutter was actually metal, combined with sweat and the indecencies of the day time, and you get a most foul sound possible.

So one question for you, have you ever slid down a metal slide and heard it squeak? That really long, continuous and quite frankly, annoying ass squeak? Well then you feel my pain.

See, I got to the gutter and fastened myself so that I would be able to grip it, basically so I wouldn't not fall off. What followed, was a 5'9 idiot hugging a pole for dear life as said idiot squeaked the hell out of everyone's ears.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to get down without attracting attention.

At first, one pony glanced my way, his ears swiveled inward to try a block out the noise. He would've done so, if he hadn't noticed me first. Humorously, his mouth dropped open in shock and he wasn't watching where his… Hoofing was taking him. Said stallion fucked up big time and bumped into another pony, the both of them tumbling onto the asphalt.

And pretty much, from there, it turned into your typical, "What the, hey… Oh…". It didn't take long for the pony to notice me and so on and so forth. Not to mention, the whole time, that damn squeaking sound kept going…

When my feet touched the ground, I shook my arms loose, looking around with a raised brow. I was definitely the crowds attention at the moment. When I had been rid of any dust on my shirt, I reached for another cigarette. At this rate I'll run out… popping it in, I raised my voice,

"Well? The fuck are y'all looking at?"

Either it was the way I presented it, or because it was typical, but most of the ponies around shook their heads and went back to their business. The phrase I heard repeated more than once was, "Minotaurs…"

Damn. That's pretty bad actually. I've seen what Minotaurs kinda look like in mythology. Mean bunch of bastards… ugly too.

Once I had been sure they, the ponies, weren't looking, I lit myself and walked into the square. One small step for me without my shoe, one giant mindfuck figuring out what the hell was going on...

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and trudged briskly though the crowd, casting my eyes around for anything that could give me a clue of where I was, or where I should go. I locked gazes with several of this towns residents and had to tear my thoughts away from how social bound these ponies actually were.

Because I was pretty sure I saw a… What are they called… Foals? Yeah, I saw a foal on the back of another stallion. Heh… Horseback rides. Regardless, I also saw a few other things that stood out indefinitely, like one of those pegasus things pushing a cloud underneath a tree, and then taking that same cloud and laying on top of it.

Yeah fuck that. My mind? Blown.

Though the structural things that stood out the most, out of any pegasus or foal, was a barn in the distance, a huge tree across a bridge with a door attached to it, the forest all the way behind that Town Hall thingy, and my personal what the fuck favorite. A Gingerbread house.

It looked so good, that I could just EAT IT! But it was a… Building. Like there were ponies inside of it. Regardless of hunger, it would definitely look weird if I, Om non nom'd a building they visit frequently. And what was awesome, was that it was right across the street!

Again, I wanted to Hansel and Gretel my way over there, but stopped. I had been so focused on my hunger pains, that I completely missed a few key elements.

For one, and as stated before, I was indeedly hungry. Another, was _them_. The them. Like, the ones who may have, may haven't have gotten me into this catastrophe.

The pink one, yellow one, Skittles, Twilight, the nice white one and that Cowpony. All sitting together chatting. I took a seriously long drag, my anger rising and falling dramatically. There those fuckers were, and here I was. And not only did they look rather calm, they were all sipping on tea!

THE NERVE!

I folded my arms and looked through the glass again. How was I going to approach them this time? Take one of the ponies staring at my back and chuck them through the window? No… To weak to do that…

Hmm...

Fuck it.

I cracked my neck and made my way to the Gingerbread door. Pushing on it, I shifted the cigarette to the side, my eye narrowing in on the ponies as the door twanged an all to familiar bell.

"Ooh! Hurry up! We have another customer!"

As the doors swung shut, I breathed out, billowing some smoke into the room. The sound of clopping was distinct, and sooner rather than later, a strange stallion appeared at the counter.

He wore a square hat, with similar clothes to that of one who actually bakes. The only strange thing that set him off from others, was his strong lower jaw. And the fact that he was yellow.

He came out smiling, "Howdy! What can… I get for you… Sir?"

His smile faded rapidly upon seeing me. Figures. Regardless, I held his attention, and the attention of the six ponies who turned my world upside down. So I smiled, taking the rest of my cigarette in a quick puff,

"If you got any soda, cherry. Please. These ponies," I jutted my thumb towards the slack jawed mares, "Can cover the cost no doubt."

The baker blinked, "Uh… Okay… Cherry Soda. HONEY!" I watched in grim satisfaction as he took off in a gallop.

With him out of the picture, I turned to look for a chair. Finding one easily, I took that and scooted it to the open spot near the six seated assholes. After trying my hardest to get comfy by scooting back an forth, I coughed, causing more smoke to flow out.

Now done, I took the cigarette and put it out on the table, stuffing the rest in my side pocket. After, I sniffed, leaning back in the chair.

Each of them held varying levels of shock except for Skittles, who in all truths, looked ready to bite my head off. Yeah well suck it. My turn to be a sincere ass. Actually… When am l not?

"So, You girls best start explaining. At the moment, I'm still trying to figure out why I'm here." When they all blinked I continued, "You," I said turning to Twilight, "Seem like you know what happened."

Twilight opened her mouth and closed it just as quickly. But before she could try again I stopped her,

"I swear to god, if you say you fucked up your magic spell, there will be hell to pay." She said nothing, and her silence was very disheartening.

"Hey! Who're you to think you can come in here and start bossin' us around?" I take it Skittles doesn't like me raising the tables. She was pointing a hoof at me, to which I shrugged,

"I'm just trying to get answers. No reason to yell."

"But y-"

I crossed my arms, "Besides, I wasn't talking to you. Was I skittles?"

She stuttered, "No bu-"

"Then shut it. Can't you see Twilight and I are having a very intelligent conversation?"

Twilight chuckled nervously, "Uh… Heh…"

I laughed, "See! I'm having a great day, thanks for asking!" As the group looked amongst each other I shook my head, "Woke up on a roof, saw you six and I just _had_ to say hi."

I gestured outside, "Oh but the ponies were nice, staring at me like I was a worn out fashion. I don't blame them either. To you, I'm probably a freak."

Rainbow gritted her teeth, "That's not the only thing you are."

My eye twitched, "Yes, and if you are intent on finding out what I am truly, piss me off even more, I dare you."

When the room grew silent, I looked about the table again, "Look, I can tell that I really don't belong here. And if I stay, I can tell you truthfully, that Skittles and I will be at each others throats within three days."

"Two because of your damn attitude." She commented snidely.

I rolled my eyes, a groan escaping my mouth, "Oh fuck off. Regardless." I turned to the unicorn across the table, "I need to go back. I know we just met and all and yes, this has been a delightful time of… Wherever the hell I am...Cast your spell, get me the hell out of here."

Twilight twiddled her hooves and bit her muzzle. I watched with eyes of stone as she began,

"Alright… You, want to go back?"

"Thought I made it obvious."

"Well. Do you want the good news first? Or the bad news?"

I pursed my lips, "I would prefer the good news first."

Twilight sighed and said with eyes of regret,

"The good news is, I Welcome you to Ponyville, Equestria."

I blinked, "The… Bad news?"

Twilight said slowly, "Welcome to Ponyville, Equestria. You're… Staying here for a while…"

Man, What a morning.

 **A/N:**

 **Another chapter! Yus!**

 **Hopefully! You enjoyed this chapter. I left y'all off with a, what the hell?, kind of moment in the last one. Look, all I can say, is BE PATIENT! And of course, be ready for the chapters ahead to be cliche as all get out.**

 **After that, you should see some abnormal stuff.**

 **But hell, let me get to what's important,**

 **THOSE REVEIWS THOUGH! OH MY GOD, THANK YOU ALL!**

 **Those reviews made me want to write a whole lot more, so again seriously, THANK YOU.**

 **Already nearing ten reviews on the second chapter!**

 **Don't let me hinder those thoughts :)**

 **But then again, dont be afraid to review either. If it made you laugh, crack a smile, and other awesome shyt, then I did my job.**

 **I should be doing Review responses, but those will be saved for the next chapter. Had to post this one as soon as I was done.**

 **So Review! Lemme know what you think of the douchebag asshole of a character. Hint on the douchebaggery.**

Keep on Derping!

Thanks to DragonLord Ryukizoku and Blazing Winds for editing and laughs making this chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It's strange, how easily life can be messed up in no time at all. If you need an example, just take a look at me. Or if you want a better example, just remember that there was another Steve on Blue's Clues that was better than the one now.

But I'm getting off topic here. Last I checked, I was in a gingerbread house, conversing with magical equines, who had brought me to two liters of cherry soda. Which, I might add, was FUCKING amazing.

But before anything else can be said. It was from the moment Twilight had said I was to stay here, with her and her friends, I grew silent, in a slow denial. I'm not the person to so easily give up. But with the things that have happened, and from what has been shown, I'm starting to think that going back to my bedroom is quite hopeless.

She explained, that the magic she had used, was way beyond her skill. When I asked why she had even casted it in the first place, Twilight grew hot and looked away in embarrassment. Apparently, she was trying to show someone named Celestia, that she could master a master spell.

Yeah no. Leave it to the masters. Seriously.

From that point, she explained that I could've avoided this. Again, when asked why, she exploited my concern for their safety. Basically, if I hadn't been a concerned asshole, and tried to see if they were alright, I would've been okay.

TALK ABOUT A FUCKING CHANGE OF ATTITUDE.

So from there, I stayed silent, surprising almost everyone at the table as Twilight went on and on about magical powers and magic itself. Wish I could say I listened, but I got the point that I was pretty much stuck here.

Oh joyous day.

Hence and therefore, I needed the carbonated substance, courtesy of a guy named Mr. Cake. Thank you, you lower jaw specimen. Because all of what was happening around me was slowly becoming out of control. Though, asking myself when my life had ever been in control, caused a small migraine. So there, I stopped and started to sip away at my cold beverage.

Where was I… Ah yes. The six equines.

While I had been sipping like a king, Twilight, the pony I shall blame forever for this, asked,

"So… Now that you're going to be staying here for… Uh… Quite some time, do you mind if I ask you your name?"

I looked up and said with a straw in my mouth, "Actually, yeah, you can ask me what it is. But hell no, I ain't telling you who I am."

"And why's that?"

I shrugged, "Don't you know knowing someone else's name is power?"

Twilight blinked those violet eyes, "No… I hadn't thought of it that way before…"

"Well, the more you know." I said smugly.

Twilight shifted in her seat, "Well, I hope you don't mind if I tell you mine. I, am Twilight Sparkle."

Pfft.

"These are my friends," Each time her hoof rested on another pony, that individual pony spoke up, "Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash (the fucking bitch of the group), Fluttershy." After the quiet yellow one spoke up, Twilight blinked, "Wait… Where's Pinkie?"

I raised my hand, "She's over here? She like, announced she was sleeping on my lap. Thought y'all heard?" Smiling, I laid that same hand on the sleeping pink fluff, "She is my pet now, Pinkie 3.14 is her name."

Twilight blinked, "...Pi?"

I groaned, "Dammit. You had to ruin it."

Twilight coughed, "Uh… Alright. So now that you know our names…" I narrowed my eyes as she giggled nervously, twirling an innocent hoof towards getting more info.

Looking at all who she named, I could see that they had been silent for a reason. And it's for that same reason, that Twilight was insisting on getting a name from me.

Stranger Danger.

Sighing, I stroked Pinkie's mane, "You can call me Tick."

"Tick?"

I shrugged, "Yeah. Yknow, like a clock?"

"Or a parasite…"

I took my napkin and threw it across the table, "PISS OFF, SKITTLES!"

Twilight caught the napkin with her magic and said calmly, "Tick. Alright… I'm guessing this isn't your real name?"

I nodded whilst sipping on the soda, "Indeed."

She clopped her hooves together, "Well, at least we know each other now."

"Hardly, Twilight. I know only that you are a creature who bears an undying sense of knowledge and the stench of friendship."

"...Really? I do?"

I shrugged, "No. But was I close?"

Twilight blinked, "Quite. And because of so, you got me befuddled. So that's a point for you."

"YES." I fist pumped and wiggled in my seat, continuing to sip on the drink.

"Great. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? Because now do we not only have to worry about our little adventure, but we got a Tick with us. Twi, how do we explain that to Luna? Or better yet Celestia?" Said the incorrigible Rainbow Dash.

I grinned and leaned forward, "Sounds like someone's a little pissy. What's grinding your gears Dashie?"

"Tick, I swear to Celestia, if you don't shut up." Dash added with gritted teeth.

"What, might I ask, will happen if I don't?"

"The both of you, for the love of all things sunny, be silent, Rainbow Dash, stop antagonizing Tick." Rarity grossed from across the way.

I chuckled, "Thank you. At least one of your friends knows how much of a dick you are…"

"Careful there Tick, we brought you into this world, and I can be the one to personally take you out…"

I smirked, "Right. You'd have to catch me first."

Dash said smugly, "That, I can do."

Twilight looked between me and Dash, eventually sighing and rubbing her hoof across her forehead, "Dash… stop... I don't know. For once in a lifetime, I just don't know how to approach this." Twilight said, her knowledgeable demeanor failing, "I hope you know that we did complete the spell." She flicked her eyes to me, "But seeing Tick here… Girls,"

I raised a hand, "And Guy thank you very much."

"...Right. But seeing Tick here makes up for a huge problem. One I didn't see coming… Like at all.."

Snickering I slurped the rest of my soda, "You and me both. And I blame it on you."

"Noted. But… I'm more worried about other things right now, Tick." Twilight added with narrowed eyes.

"Like?"

Twilight crossed her forearms and leaned back in her chair, "It… It can be dealt with later. Right now, I think you might want to start about looking for a place to stay, and someplace fast."

Dash looked rather smug, "Oh yeah Buddy. We got a _huge_ storm coming our way."

"And how the hell would you know that Skittles. Please, fucking enlighten me." I added with a wave of my hand.

The pink ball of cute woke up from her nap, "Oh… Dashie is our very own weather pony! And the outside looks really mean!"

Huh… So it does. I gasped and looked at Pinkie, "Really? What else is she?"

Pinkie giggled, "Well she's.."

"None of your business thank you very much." Dash interrupted with a cross of her hooves, "The last thing I need is somepony else like him knowing more than he needs. For all we know, he could be a spy."

Pffft. Stupidest thought ever. I'm not spy. See, Heavy is spy,

"Dammit. How'd you know?"

I leaned to Pinkie's ear, "Pinkie 3.14, my cover has been blown. Commence action 23-19."

Pinkie leapt onto the table and gasped, "EVERYPONY EVACUATE!"

I could barely contain my laughter as the cotton pinkster left the building, wailing those dreaded numbers. But my laughter was short lived when one of the mares cleared her throat,

"Do you find this funny?"

I wiped a tear and directed my gaze towards the one who had asked such silly question, "Indeed. You may not know it yet, Miss Rarity, but my fucks are just not given too often."

Rarity, the one I liked to think as the only one who hadn't done anything wrong, rolled her eyes, "Out of all the fifteen million you said there was of you, and we get stuck with the one for a lack of brains."

"And heart."

Rarity sniffed, "Fair enough. But riddle me this, Tick. You aren't in your world anymore. Here? Nothing is yours to play with. Right now, you have single hoofedly made an enemy of Rainbow Dash. A good friend of mine, and to many others."

As she continued, My expression grew dim, "I would sincerely advise you, sincerely, if you are to stay here for as long as you are, watch what you do. You don't want the wrong word spreading."

Twilight nodded, "Rarity is right. Tick, in a few days, my mentor will be coming to check on me. It's only natural for her to do so, but even more so now because I nearly couldn't get us back. When she comes here, you either have the choice of letting yourself known, or staying the way you are now."

My left eye twitched, "So." I pulled out my pack of smokes and tapped it on the table, a cigarette poking out in the process. Within a second, I put it to my mouth and lit it,

"It's a threat I'm hearing. Either wisen up, or? What?" I took a drag, "What could you ponies possibly do to me that hasn't already been done?"

When nobody answered I continued, "Is it the fact of me not caring? Well fuck you, it's what I do, Miss Rarity, in times of stress. And for this, I need to be a fuck not less because this tops everything. Including the cherry."

I turned to Skittles, "For another, I could for sure care less if I was your friend or not. In truths, I don't need them. So please, spread the word. Your local jackass is in town. It would save me the trouble of having to push peop-… Fuck… Ponies away from me."

I sucked in through my teeth, "If I'm going to be in here for the long run because of your fault to mine? Then expect the worst. I've only just begun."

The whole shop was silent. I think it got to the point of where even the outside had stopped to press its ear to the window and listen. No wait, that was just Pinkie. She held a look of shock, and a distant stare of… Depression? The same could be said about the rest.

I hadn't noticed, but we weren't alone in the shop. Aside from Mr. Cake, there were ponies in farther tables, trying to eat, but had been interrupted by my rant.

I took in a puff, blowing out more smoke than I thought. After which, I coughed and put the cigarette on the table, held by my fingers,

"So. There's a storm coming you say? Well, know anyplace I could crash until it blows over?"

Dash sneered, "Definitely not my place."

I worked my jaw and closed my eyes, "Skittles, now… Is not the time."

Fluttershy, the quietest one of the bunch spoke up suddenly, catching me off guard and most likely the rest of them too, "I um… Have a spot… If you don't mind that is…" I glanced at her, and as soon as I did, she flinched, shying away beneath her mane.

I took the cigarette, putting it out on my hand, "I don't. But do you?"

It took a while, but she poked her eye from her locks, "N...no… I have plenty of room…"

I smiled, "Well then it is settled. Unless," I turned to the table, "One of you volunteers as Tribute?"

Every pony at the table flushed and looked away, except for the cowpony. Applejack I think it was. She frowned, crossing her hooves and glaring at me with a eye most foul,

"Sugarcube, if you treat Fluttershy with the same amount of respect as Dash, ya can expect a buck straight t' yer grave."

I shrugged, "Good to know. Anymore threats before my, 'marked for death ass', walks out the door?" I raised a brow and fixed my button up, straightening it so that I wouldn't get chilled as I stepped out.

"Yes actually," said Twilight, who stood as soon as I did, "I want to see you at the Library tomorrow."

"What time?"

"Six o'clock. Sharp."

I coughed, "Fuck that. Seven o'clock dull. No later."

Twilight looked flustered, "Bu… But that's breakfast!"

I sighed, "Sorry Miss Sparkle. I am not an early person."

Fluttershy trotted out first, leaving me to tip my head, "Ta ta!~" I pushed open the door and stepped out.

I was greeted, by dozens of eyes. Each holding different emotions, to which I could point out at being scared, shock (a most common emotion I've been seeing lately), and confusion.

I fixed my collar, groaning internally. When they wouldn't stop staring, I shook my head and followed the now hovering Fluttershy,

"God, y'all act like you've never seen something like me bef-… STOP STARING!" I was talking to Fluttershy at first, but had to stop and yell at the ponies who had started follow us.

Fluttershy gulped, "Well… If you don't mind me stating the obvious… But we haven't…"

I put my hands inside my pockets, "Hmmph… Fear of the unknown and all speech. I understand. The least they could do is take a picture or something though. It's a lot better than putting a hole in the back of my head." Fluttershy agreed with a small smile, slowing her flying so that she matched my pace.

So, I've only seen pieces of this town. Which for iconic reasons, is named Ponyville. Hearing the name sends grins and giggles up my spine, so avoid using it to ensure I look less like a maniac.

It was technically small in standards, having only few main buildings within the major portion of the center. Where all these damn ponies came from was beyond me. Probably inside those complexes in the outer portion of Ponyville.

The Mayor of this little town in Equestria… E-Quest-Ria… God… Just… Kill me… The mayor of this town calls herself Mayor Mare. I know this now because I bumped into her on purpose. She was in my way reading some important shit, so I moved her.

It wasn't a forceful shove, no. I just picked her up and put her down on an opposite side. Away from me. Well this led to her begging the soon to be annoying question of, "What? Hey...oh…" Cue the stare… Now cue,

"What are you?"

Ah. Great. I'll have you know that that question is rather rude and if you weren't technically a girl, I'd've punched you in the throat by now. But with a forced smile, I told her,

"Nothing important Miss. I'll be on my way."

But of course some people… Ponies, don't like the way I speak to them,

"Well… Excuse me!" She had caught up to me by stepping in front of my path, "I haven't seen you in Ponyville before!"

I blinked, "Oh my god you haven't?"

"No I haven't."

I said with a frown, "Probably because I just got here."

Good lord her face was priceless, "Y… Indeed?"

I blinked and looked around, noticing the authoritive pin on her suit, time for a mindfuck!

"Quite. See, I'm here on special business. I travel from town to town and evaluate its townliness."

Mayor looked quite flushed, "But that isn't for three weeks!"

"Well there's a reason we are called, punctual, Miss." I said punctuating each word.

The Mayor fixed her glasses and chuckled nervously, "Well please, don't let me keep you… Sorry for being in your way, and If you ever need me, I shall be in my office."

I dipped my head and watched her go, taking glances behind herself to see me waving at her. When she was out of sight, I gasped and tittered, "Oh sweet jeezums, did you see that?" I turned to Fluttershy who was staring at me with concern, "Priceless!"

"You love to see ponies suffer, don't you."

I held my sides and laughed, "Pretty much."

Fluttershy shook her head and flew away, causing me to stop my charade and follow her. But as we continued, I couldn't help but start laughing again whenever I remembered the remnants of pure, 'what the fuck', on the Mayor's face.

Oh this was going to be fun.

 **O.o.O.o.O**

The weather turned from happy go Sunshine's to shit in seconds. And from where I was, I could clearly see several pegasi pushing the storm clouds too. So that's how they did their weather?

"Um… Wipe your… Hooves please…"

Oh, right. It took Fluttershy and I a few minutes to get to her house. She wasn't that far from Ponyville really. It was just a huge climb up to where she lived. (Again, I am a terrible climber).

Her house was kind of huttish looking. But as I wiped my feet off and stepped in, it was like Harry Potter all over again. The inside was bigger than the outside.

However, don't get me wrong, the only thing weird was the copious amount of animals. A house isn't like outside, the wild. It's technically supposed to be the place of respite and constant relaxation. I don't want to step inside my house and find a fucking sloth hanging off the railing. It's quite the mind fucker that is.

As Fluttershy came in, she shut the door rather quietly, soon after, the rain began pouring. And boy did it come down _hard_. I could've sworn I heard Skittles laughing above it all.

But who's laughing now ya technicolor freak? I'm inside! Go suck a Lego.

"Sorry about the mess…"

Hearing her speak, I looked around. Aside from the animals about her living room, kitchen area and most likely upstairs, It was rather clean in here,

"Mess huh? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were expecting someone."

Fluttershy giggled, "Well you can never be to sure. I always have Rainbow Dash stopping by, so I try my best."

"Indeed. It's even more challenging with your animals here too I suppose?"

Fluttershy shook her head multiple times, "Oh goodness no. My animal friends help me clean actually,"

Come again? Animals? Friends? Oh please don't tell me I'm dealing with a crazy cat pony… Person… DAMMIT!

"Nonetheless, I complement your skills, Fluttershy. Your house is pretty great."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fluttershy's cheeks flush pink and an even bigger smile cross her face,

"Thank you… Tick…"

I shrugged, "Yep."

Outside a large flash, followed by a bellowing boom, sounded the whole abode. It all happened at once too, casting the lights of her different animals eyes flash a brilliant white.

It startled me slightly, and even worse for the shy pony. After getting over the initial shock of the storm coming down on us, I looked around and took in the now detrimental fact that it was quite dark.

Fluttershy walked forward and past the couch in the back. She reached onto the mantle above the furniture and grasped a candle. One magical match later and she had the candlelight going.

Now all that was needed, was the fancy music and spare table.

She walked over to where I was standing, a small smile evident,

"Tick, how about I show you around?"

I blinked, "That.. seems to be reasonable at the moment."

Fluttershy began her roomy tour with the two of us speeding past several animals, which I might add stopped and took their time to stare.

We entered the kitchen first, and as we moved to and fro, I eyed the room. It was small, the keyframe of it being _small._ It actually surprised me in such a way that I looked behind me and thought about how she could feed so many of her animals.

Fluttershy went on about how she cooked in this room, using her hoof to show different areas,

"Here's the fridge…"

"I knew that. My best friend is a fridge."

Fluttershy blinked, "Your… Best friend? I thought you said you didn't have any friends?"

I coughed, "Ouch. That hurt somewhere unmentionable. Moving on. Oh! I see you have a fucking toaster, that's cool."

Fluttershy jumped at the topic switch and stuttered, "Oh.. Yes… The toaster…"

From there, we went from the kitchen to her living space. She moved around the room and pointed out different spots that her animals lived in. She even hushed me when I tried to point out that there was a snake just chilling on the coffee table.

I fucking hate snakes.

But besides that, she surprisingly didn't wise up and point to the couch, telling me that I was going to be sleeping there tonight. So imagine my surprise when we moved towards the upstairs portion, showing me just the one bedroom and bathroom.

"Here's the bathroom…"

I raised a brow, "Am I sleeping in the tub?"

Fluttershy rolled her eyes and for once didn't comment. Dammit… She must be learning my sarcasm…

"This is my room. Tonight, you'll be sleeping here."

I backpedaled, "Huh? Wait what?"

Fluttershy turned and smiled, "The pillows and sheets have been washed, so I can assure you that they are clean."

I sputtered, "But that's your room. I'm fine with the couch! Hell, throw me into the tub please."

Fluttershy giggled, "That won't be necessary. You can throw yourself into the bed by yourself. It's just for one night Tick, no need to worry."

I crossed my arms and grumbled, "I wasn't… Worrying…"

"Right. And I'm brave."

I scoffed, "Alright, fine. Fine. May I at least have one request?"

Fluttershy stopped at the head of the steps, "Yes?"

I pointed to the bathroom, "Can I use your shower? I probably smell like ass so.."

Fluttershy nodded, "Of course. The towels are already on the rack, I'll wash them in the morning."

I watched as she disappeared, her candlelight dancing away. After, I turned and sighed, stepping into the cramped shower room.

In short, it was rather squished together. More so on the fact that everything was in reach. So say I wanted to take a shit, which I did, I could then easily stand and wash my hands, or shower right after.

Anyways, I began the pre-shower ritual. My clothes were damp, and smelled of horse. Which combined, smelled all too much like ass. So I planned on getting my clothes wet, and dried while washing. I guess the boxers could stay the way they were.

Nothing should be said for the shower, other than the pale yellow color. And even that is too much to be said about it. Don't even get me started on her mane products either...

As I stepped into the small compartment, I looked around for the water knobs and spotted them closer to the ground. Blinking, I bent down and stopped midway after my ass squeaked against the plastic.

I closed my eyes and sighed, eventually finding a way to count to twenty. After that small export of steam, I bent further and turned the water on.

Either I'm stupid, or stupid is me? Cold water hit me first, and needless to say, I may have, and I may have not have screamed like a bitch, twirling that damnable knob so that it was _off._

After standing there shivering for a few minutes, I stepped out and this time stood away from the spouts of water. Testing the water to make sure it was hot enough, I grunted in relief and allowed the water to take me away.

"Um… Tick?"

Fuck.

"Yes?"

Fluttershy's timid response, "I… Um… I think Angel Bunny is in there…"

I spit some water out, "What? Angel who?"

Fluttershy raised her voice, "Angel Bunny! I think he might be in here!"

I sighed and threw the curtains aside, "Should I be concerned?"

"Well… He might have to get out…"

For the love o- oh…

"I think I found him!"

Yeah… The bunny… Shit. He was under my pile of clothes. Currently, said pile was moving on its own towards the door, banging against it repeatedly.

"Yeah, he's at the door! Imma hop in the shower real qu-"

I could say nothing further as Fluttershy opened the door as I turned my back. Regardless of what was going to happen, My mind went into, 'Oh Fuck', mode. No one. And I mean no one. GETS TO LOOK AT MY ASS EXCEPT ME.

I threw my arms out, barreling past the shower curtains and face planted the shower wall, insomuch that it knocked the breath away from me, causing a, "Pfffbbbtttt!"

But I forgot that the curtains were the drag alongs, so instead of the curtains tearing off like I had planned, the bastards instead gayly moved to the left, leaving my slumped form exposed.

"Oh Angel… Bunny… oh…"

Y'know… I think god is laughing at me. Either that's him, or Skittles.

 **O.o.O.o.O**

I'm going to say, that I feel so sorry for that poor creature. To see such a beached whale was quite unacceptable. Regardless, I admire her quick actions of scooping her bunny and slamming the door in two seconds. Kudos Fluttershy. Kudos.

I didn't see her for quite some time after that. It was only until nightfall did she decide to show her muzzle. And even then, it had a blush.

For what reason, I didn't know. And I was not to find out anytime soon. But what I did find out, was that shy pony, was cook pony. And cook pony, is now favorite pony.

She made me _the_ best meal of what I could assume was a healthy salad and the side of some sort of fries. Either way, both dishes were amazing.

After dinner, she went to bed. Simple as that I guess. She took that white bunny of hers and fell the fuck to sleep.

I followed shortly after, taking a few moments to have a smoke outside. The rain had cleared up, and my clothes were drying on the clothesline Fluttershy said she had.

So there I was, stoic as all hell with just my boxers. Felt pretty damn proud about myself right then. After taking a long pull, I put the cigarette out with a flick and went back inside, shutting the door with minimal effort.

But when my eyes laid on the sleeping equine. I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret. It only came natural when I was about to sleep in her house really.

But Am I really about to take her hospitality to the edge?

I did show her my ass…

BESIDES THAT. I feel it's only right that the owner sleeps in their own bed.

God that sounded cliche as hell.

Her animals were stretched in various positions around her, even the snake, taking its throne on the table. So with careful steps, I tiptoed around the sleeping animals and stopped in front of Fluttershy.

I had to physically stop myself from puking rainbows when I saw how fucking adorable she was sleeping like that.

So the rainbow puking had to wait. I didn't want another Skittles on this plain.

She held her bunny tight, both snuggled under a pink fluffy blanket. I stooped to their level and bit my lip as I shifted the blanket under Fluttershy, picking her up in the process.

Amazingly, she wasn't all that heavy. So I had no problems in taking her up the stairs. Now, when I put her in her bed, I about had a heart attack when she stirred. But the only thing she did was grasp for her pillow and nod back off again.

So with my heroic deed done, I crept from her room, shutting her door with the same amount of effort as before.

As I made my way downstairs, I smiled faintly to myself, maybe this wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I laid down on the couch and threw the blanket over myself, finding comfort within seconds.

This was alright I suppose. Maybe tomorrow would be better than today, and hell, maybe I would find myself back home.

Pfft… right… as if…

But it… Would be nice...

A/N

 **Alrighty then!** _ **Chapter is fownally done**_ **. And now I can get to a better portion of the story,**

 **Reviews, Review Responses, and… uh… other… Stuff…**

 **And so I have with me here today, Blazing Winds, ta halp me with Review Responses (I'm a lazy bastard, I KNOW)**

 **OI! GET YER ASS OUT HERE!**

 _ **Blaze: I'M TRYING TO GET BOOKWORM ADVENTURES!**_

 **WELL FOKING GET YER BOOKWORM!**

 _ **Blaze: I'M TRYING!**_

 **And now, Reviews!**

(R)WarHusky2000: _Hehehe… Keep it up!_

(RR) **Derp:** **WE SHALL TRY OUR BEST.**

(RRR) _**Blaze: I'll do my best as well.**_

(R)Chroma The Harvester: _This is amazing, and it's the most unique mlp story I have ever read and he has something that no other human entering Equestria has, COMMON SENSE. Besides, I really hope for a big fight scene between Asscheek and Skittles._

(RR) **Derp:** * **Snicker** * **Asscheek. Uh… Well for starters, and truthfully? This story is NOT That Unique. If you like a douchebaggery character, look at Tales of the Oppressed. WAAAAYYYY BETTER. Thank you, however, for the complement. I can well say that it this is just another story :D**

(RRR) _**Blaze: While that is true… there are stories like this everywhere, and each one is unique in its own way. And I'll definitely help with that fight scene if it does happen.**_

 _ **(Not a spoiler or anything) Derp:**_ **Oh it will**

(R)Koal: Oh this is just wonderfully hilarious. XD

(RR) **Derp: Oh shit. We lost another one to the XD, CALL IN THE MEDICS!**

(RRR) _**Blaze: *Calls 911***_

(R)Yellow Guy (Formally derpy101): _Awesome chap my friend, and am gonna rate it a ten once more. But, on the question of douchebaggery... Meh. I think he should be sarcastic, but a good person to hang with. Except to rainbow. They should be rivals more than Microsoft and Nintendo are. P.S. am in Vegas right now, blasting Twenty one pilot Into my ear. P.S. chap was really funny.  
BTW are you continuing WTWC?_

(RR) **Derp: Thanks m8! Another 10/10, and we shall be writing again! And as for When Two Worlds Collide… I actually want to continue it? I do. Buuuutttttt it's gotten to the point of absolute no return. And on top of me running into a non idea wall, I didn't feel as if I was getting anywhere. So BOOM. NEW STOREH. Maybe I'll update it, maybe not. This story feels awesome to write, so Meh.**

(RRR) _**Blaze: I believe that Microsoft and whatever company owns Playstation, are bigger rivals. Even Mario and Sonic is a better analogy.**_

 **Derp:** _ **OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo**_ **oooooo** ooooooooooo….

 **So back at it with another chapter! Hope ya enjoyed! Funny as shyt to write, and even better to post. SO REVIEW! WE COMMAND IT!**

 **And please, if we didn't get to your review, I personally, am sorry. I had to post this as quick as I could. So review in this chapter to have your review answered Derpily in the next!**

 **And uh…**

 **Keep on Derping!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Hey… Hey! HE- Oh you know what? AJ, go get the water ready."

Skittles? Wait...waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait… IM STILL IN EQUESTRIA?! Breathe, come on, stay calm… Stay. Calm.

"Ahlright! Here it is!"

"Awesome, let me see it."

I swear, on my auntie's grave, and on the many others, that I will kill that fucking Rainbow. I could understand poking me awake, and yes, maybe doing a harmless shaving cream hand slap. But, to go as far as DRENCHING ME IN WATER?

I applaud her enthusiasm. But dear, it will take more than that to awake me.

So that's what I'm pretty sure happened. It took two to tango, and just one of the two to pour the water. I was soaked instantly, and much to my charigin, I heard two sets of laughter.

"Heheh...he...he's still asleep. Why… Is he still asleep?"

Who's laughing now? You wouldnt believe how many times someone has tried that trick. Worked the first few times, failed the rest. And it's because I'm tired you arrogant asshole. Now leave.

"You could always ask him nicely to wake up."

Pfft.

"Yeah, right. So, you expect me to say please?"

It would be a start. And would probably make my morning, jjuuusssttt a little bit better. I waited in a silence before the voice of all bitchiness sighed,

"Please, wake up."

… Must I? Ah crap… No… DON'T OPEN YOUR EY-

Fluttershys house, I was on the couch, my chest and top portion of my boxers were wet. On top of my head was a parakeet, sitting daintily on my toe was one of those weird… Flying rat things..

Ratbirds?

"Rainbow Dash, Skittles, A.K.A Bitch. Why. Oh dear god why. Did you think pouring water over me was a good idea?"

I jerked my gaze to the left to see Skittles hovering lazily, a bored expression on her face,

"I was tired of poking you."

"And so water was a choice."

Dash shrugged, "At the time. Yes."

I narrowed my eyes, "Fuck you."

She raised her hooves, "Hey now, don't be like that. You'll dry…"

I sat up and showed her my dripping form.

"Eventually." She added with a growing smile.

Oh…. Please let me smack a hoe and be done with it. PLEASE. My guess was that these two jokesters… Applejack included, had something planned. After all, they did wake me up.

Eventually however, I sighed through my nostrils and rubbed my face,

"What time is it? Feels early."

Applejack snorted and took the jug of wat- THEY USED A JUG?! THAT THING'S BIGGER THAN MY CHEST!

"It's about six. And a might' walk to Twilights. We made sure you was up and on time."

See? I nodded and shivered, "Yeah, and you probably wanted to make sure Fluttershy was alright."

"Now what makes you think that?"

I crossed my arms and raised a brow, "Because you threatened to kick my ass the other day? Why is every single pony here daft? My god, you made the threat!"

Applejack merely smirked and flicked her tail as she disappeared into the Kitchen,

"Well, she's alright. I don't hafta do anything to ya. Right now anyways."

"Making me feel real nice about myself."

Great. Thus begone of one pony, I cracked my neck and sat down, the squish that came with it, reminded me that I needed to dry quickly. Or at the least put some clothes on.

"Alright… Just… Let me get dressed. And fucking sulk towards the fact that I'm still here, in your world."

Skittles smiled, "Don't take too long."

I flicked her on the nose as I scooted past her, earning a vicious stare, "Unless you plan on joining me, I won't."

 **O.o.O.o.O**

I grunted as I began to climb the steps towards the bathroom. I had in my hands, my dried clothes. I have to remember to thank Shy pony for being nice enough to hang up my attire. Although they had been outside, drying during the nighttime, I was at least lucky today was hot. So, With the goal of looking at least presentable, I walked into the bathroom.

This, was not your, typical morning. Besides from the amount of animals I had to push myself past, the only thing I could at least count as normal, was really, the awful thought of my breakfast cravings.

I had believed, for about a minute, that I was home. It was all the same, the birds, then there was the sun rays, and of course, the distant chatter of… Squirrels… Besides that, and adding it onto my plate to eat for lunch, I recalled earlier events.

Well… I dont think i should right now. Nothing to recall really. Ive only been here a day and i want to hurl myself out the nearest window. So I let myself sigh in agony because of my position.

Shutting the door, I laid out my attire. It had dried, thankfully, but I was resilient on doing the pants. My boxers were still wet, and I was kind of soaked. With quick thinking, I took a nearby towel and used it to try and soak up as much as I could.

I discarded the towel neatly afterwards, and tried to put on the sh-

"You done yet?"

Out of all the moments in the day, out of every minute in one hour, WHY NOW?! I could feel my eyes roll over several times before I answered,

"Would it make you feel _ANY_ better if say no?"

As I put my blue button-up on, I heard Skittles sigh, "Now that I think about it…"

"PISS OFF SKITTLES!"

There was a short bout of laughter that faded away slowly. When it disappeared, I slammed on my trousers and socks, pulling my shoes on without effort.

Fucking… rainbolic bastard…

Finally done with the clothing, I exited the bathroom, my mood slowly dropping when I saw Fluttershy standing at the foot of her door.

She looked rather down, couldn't blame her, I was too. But from the look on her face, I'd say that there was another reason. Her eyes averted mine, and somehow, she didn't hide behind her mane… still, she mumbled out a,

"Oh hello Tick."

Blinking, I waved and tried my best to smile, "Hey Fluttershy… I uh… Nice morning?"

"Oh… Yes… It's um… Quite lovely… The sun I mean."

So it's gonna be one of these conversations. Okay. Fluttershy moved to the left and looked away, allowing me to clear my throat, hopefully ending this conversation,

"So uh… Shy. Thanks. For letting me stay. I uh…" I scratched the back of my head as Fluttershy blushed, "Appreciate it. Hopefully I can make it up to you."

Fluttershy smiled awkwardly, "No worries Tick. It was my pleasure…"

Chuckling, I nodded whilst clearing my throat, "Yep. So uh… See ya later!"

I didn't really wait for her response, and in truth, I don't think she wanted to either, because at about the same time, She went into the bathroom, and I chucked myself down the stairs in an unorderly fashion. The result was me about face planting the bottom of the steps.

Amidst landing at the bottom, I cursed several of my ancestors and decided to look up from the floor. Dash and Applejack were both waiting, the bitchier of the two eventually checking her forearm, as if she had a flipping watch.

"You ready to go now?"

Shutting my eyes, I counted to twenty one and smiled, "Yes, Dash, by all means, escort me to Twilight. Without breakfast I might add."

Dash shared a look to Applejack who in turn nodded, randomly pulling a… An apple out. Peachy. I'm gonna have to figure out the logic on that one.

Applejack tossed it to me with a grin, "Twilight's got breakfast ready at her place. That's just ta get ya started."

"Okay? Feeling like I'm being rationed… Thanks Jack." I added nonchalantly.

"Its Applejack."

I shrugged and took a bite of the apple, "I've already made nicknames for five of you. Just need to come up with a nickname for Rarity…"

I tapped my chin as both mares sighed, "Maybe I should call her Rare… Tit? Eh… I'll do it later."

"Yeah, that's cool, can we like, get outta here? It's not that I don't like Flutters house, I just really want to go back to my cloud."

I stopped midchew, my eyes slowly falling onto the multicolor mare, seems AJ had the same idea. Both Applejack and I gave Dash a glare, the former being the one to trot out of the door first.

As we exited, both mares shouted their goodbyes and left their friend in her house. AND SO! ADVENTURE!

Oh joyous day, this was gonna be fun.

 **O.o.O.o.O**

"And that's how I totally saved us. Pretty cool right?"

Ugh… if there's one thing I hate more than her attitude, it's moreover on how much she _brags._ Good Christ. First, she bragged about how fucking large she made the storm the other day, ending it with her prowess on the story now.

"Uh huh… Very cool. Say, how about shutting the fuck up? Hm? That sound cooler?" I said, lips pursed tightly.

AJ agreed, probably all the way judging from the actions her eye did, twitching and all. But Dash laughed and did a few flips in midair,

"Oh come on, ya gotta admit, it was pretty awesome."

AJ sighed, "Y'know, I hafta agree with Tick, Dash. I don't remember runnin' away from Discord with mah tail between mah hooves."

Well, hopefully you can make sense of what she has said, because in due respects, I had NO idea what had happened. One minute, I'm walking out Fluttershys house, onto my way towards Twilights. The next glorious moment, Dash ends up riveting both AJ and I with one of her, Tails. Yes, I fucking punned. Get over it.

Her story, "quote, end quote", Involved her friends, but portrayed herself as the hero. If you catch my drift, making sails towards the answer, you'll recognize the fact that I payed absolutely no attention, and ended up wasting about half an hour of my life. At least we were closer to Twilight's than before! YAY.

Now, thanks to our event equalizing equine, and her plagiarism, I had to give more attention to what was going on around me. Which, mind, was hard to do when I wanted to punch the next thing I saw.

Basically it was the ponies… But then I kept replaying the words of Rarity over and over again…

So I resorted to smoking. Haphazardly, I nearly dropped my pack into a puddle while lighting myself. Thankfully, I was able to catch it.

God help this world if I can't smoke.

We passed by the food court again, my mouth instantly watered when we walked nearby that Gingerbread house. Sugarcube Corner.

Talk about a sweet name. Oh wait. Didn't I already make that pun?

Sorry, I'll kill myself later.

The day before, I remember recalling the different structural anomalies that stood out from the colorful village I was in, those respectively being, Sugarcube Corner, the Forest, and that Tree/house.

Well, if my info serves me right, Twilight lives in that tree. Apparently, said tree, was a library. And said library was about half a mile from where Fluttershy lived. But we three jocks made good time.

Let me tell you though. I ran into, quite literally, several interesting characters amidst our trek. I met a mailmare named Derpy, who was very sweet enough to leave me with a muffin more than I needed. She was… Different. But I couldn't let my assholic nature get the best of myself. Even though she crashed into me...

The… One I want to forget the most, was a literal pink furball. Like, that's all she was. She was bright, pink, fluffy, and for some reason, couldn't talk. Instead of words, she used her tounge. It was adorable and Rainbow Dash knew what she was saying. So I guess all was well. I even joined in on her speech after a while.

"I don't, 'pfffbbttt', understand, 'pffbbbbtt',"

It went like that.

The next was a character I could've sworn made me swallow my cigarette, being an almost exact acting Dr. Who. Turns out, his name was Doctor Whooves or a rather. His job was keeping that clock above Town Hall in check. He was probably a busy guy, and he had time I couldn't waste, so I made sure not to run into him.

We passed by the townlier portion of Ponyville, where almost all the ponies lived; after about ten minutes into Dash's story. There, after meeting the three interesting ponies, I bumped into a white mare with headphones on. What was she listening to anyways? They're called headphones for a reason!

Regardless, I now refer to any mind fucks I run across, as Equestrian Logic. It's actually quite simple, and very useful to whip out and use against anyone.

The next few I ran into knew Applejack and Rainbow Dash very well, amazingly. But they stopped and took a moment to look the other thing walking with them over a couple of times.

Look, I'm not an attraction, nor am I anything that fucking scary. STOP STARING.

God.. these ponies get on my nerves. I wish I could walk two feet without being stared at by every living being I see!

I kept walking, wishing I could punch the fuck out of these ponies.. and Skittles…

But thankfully, I was graced with the wholehearted interruption of a Pie, that was Pink. Again, if I were to guess on how, or even when she did it, I would point you in the direction of Equestrian Logic. So to put in short terms, 3.14 turned up, and I was alarmed seeing her face pop from above me,

"HI!"

It was either the way she presented it, or how she suddenly appeared, Blue eyes and all. And because of so, I wasn't able to formulate a response quick enough, so it came out like,

"ERMEHGERDWHATINTHEFUUU?!"

Pinkie hopped off my.. forehead.. however in the hell she'd managed to do that, and landed neatly in front of me.

"HI!" She repeated.

I blinked, "Pinkie… Uh… Hi. Nice of you to… drop by."

"Yep! I heard Dashie and Applejack were taking ya to Twilights! Thought I tag along too!"

It's the logic, really, that utterly kills my mind, reducing it to nothing but rubble like a fallen building. As she responded, I couldn't help but allow my mind to drift, causing my mouth to drop, this inducing the cigarette falling out.

"Right. That's great, um. Let me just," I turned and said lowly so 3.14 couldn't hear,

"One of you? Explain."

"Pinkie being Pinkie."

"A liable answer Skittles. I mean, why the fuck is she following us? How did she even know where to find me?"

Applejack shrugged, "Its one of them Pinikie moments, Tick. She just does what she wants."

With a sigh, I rubbed my face and thought of another Logic besides Equestrian. I now refer to it as Pinkie Logic. So far, I really haven't been able to comprehend what she even does. Regardless, I watched as Pinkie fell in line with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, as we all continued across a bridge of sorts.

And there it was.

So, my definition of a tree house, is literally, a small, built together house inside of a tree. Now, some people, pointing appendages anywhere, like to take tree houses to whole new levels, in which I find amazing actually.

Ive actually been inside of a spherical dome inside of a tree. If I recall correctly, it was pure white, had windows, and was really big. It looked like a huge bird came by and dropped an egg inside the tree. But again, it wasn't just a tree house, that dome had evertthing you could need.

A bed, couch, bookshelves, EVEN A FRIDGE! But the cost of having to build such a home, requires it being placed inside of a tree that could support its weight. So, the climb to the abode was quite the risk taker.

However, never have I ever seen someone hollow a tree out and build inside of it. Until now that is.

It was an Oak, from the looks of it, and had some neutral things like windows and that door in the front. Then of course, as I looked up, there was a balcony that led into some sort of room.

Huh… Cool.

To start off such an observation, I stated the obvious, "Okay. So we have here, a Tree Library. Very nice. Should I be worried about falling branches?"

Dash flew beside me, "No. Not really. Now the books are a different subject."

"Good to know."

The three mares took lead, all of them entering casually. It took me a moment to realize that Pinkie had already knocked on the door. The conversation between the three of them spurred my curiosity,

"Where's Spike?"

"Over at Rarity's for the day."

Spike? Is that another pony? Pfft, weird name. Anyways, I entered after them, shutting the door with a sniff.

The inside was spacious, and I might add quite… Treeish. Its what you'd actually think was inside of a tree really. There was a second floor, added on top of it was probably where Twilight slept.

I haven't seen her hide yet, so that's what my assumption is.

There was another portion that made me go, 'ahh', in which I now know why they called it the… Golden Oak Library? Anyway, there was a section just for books.

Reminded me of my high school library.

The three mares took refuge on a couch, placed somewhere in the middle of the room, immediatly striking up some kind of conversation amongst themselves.

Beeside that couch, was the… Kitchen? Hold up..

HOLD UP.

Let me do the math… Two plus two equals four… Carry the three, add two more and… Yep. I can't really do math at a time like this. Who the hell places a KITCHEN, _inside_ of a tree?!

Answer? Fucking Equestria does ladies and gents! Hold your applause.

"Oh hello girls!..." Amidst my rambling, Twilight had appeared from the upstairs, her room obviously. She had a sleep deprived face and was rather jerkish in her movements.

Wait for it.

"Tick."

I laughed and turned, throwing my arms out, "Miss Sparkle! A pleasure! How do you fare this fine morning?"

Heh. Mission accomplished in making her hella confused,

"F-fine…"

Twilight looked different today, her hair was all frizzled, eyes were darting back and forth, and I was quite certain that she was shaking. Oh god, who gave the unicorn caffeine?

Clasping my hands together, I nodded, "Good morning nonetheless, Twilight."

"Yes… I'm glad to see that Applejack and Rainbow Dash could get you up. And early, I might add."

I shrugged as I looked for a place to plant my ass, "Well, they were very eager in their attempts on getting me up. Case in point, water, is not a good thing to wake up to."

Twilight let the realization sink in, and had to hold in her laughter, "They… Poured water on you?"

I raised a brow, "Yeah? But that didn't work out well for them. Dash had to end up saying please."

Said mare stuck her tounge out at me.

Twilight smiled, shaking her head as she sat in a chair, "Well, I just want you to answer a few things, maybe talk with us more…"

"Uh huh. Talk, right…"

"Anyways…"

As she spoke, I took the comfy chair that was behind me and popped a cigarette out,

"Ask away, Twilight."

"You never answered my first question."

I lit myself up, "You're being very vague Twilight."

Twilight deadpanned, "Funny. Tick, what are you?"

I inhaled albeit quickly, ending up nearly hacking a lung, "I don't seem to comprehend what your question is."

Twilight blinked and quickly formulated a response, "Well… You're different. Not in a mean way. But physically different. You aren't a Minotaur, definitely not a changeling…"

I stopped coughing and chuckled, "Changeling? Minotaur? Jeez, look at those ugly bastards, and then me. Compared to them, I'm like a model."

Pinkie waved from the couch, "Don't let Rarity catch ya saying that!"

I smiled, "Thanks Pinks."

Twilight looked behind herself and then towards me, "Well understand where I'm coming from. I was up most of yesterday night looking through countless books, trying to figure out what you were." She looked defeated, "I couldnt find anything."

Twilight then gazed at me with curious eyes, "But you have an answer right? Or are you going to beat around the bush?"

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead, "Alright. Guess it wouldn't hurt to tell. How do I uh… Explain this… oh, I got it. I'm a… God I'm gonna hate myself for this, Human."

Twilights eyes sparked with recognition, "Human? That's what you are?"

I blinked, "Uh, pretty sure, yeah."

"Wow. Okay, it appears I owe Lyra seventy bits…"

I raised an eyebrow, "Lyra?"

Twilight nodded, "Yes, Hearthstrings, an, enthusiast of sorts."

I smirked, "Sounds creepy enough."

Twilight snickered, "Quite. But beyond that. I believe Lyra, unfourtunately, can fill me in on the more _greater_ details pertaining to your kind."

"Now you're making me out to be useless."

Dash perked up, "The apple's not to far from the tree, Tick."

Looking over Twilight, I frowned, "I'm not the one who knocked it down Skittles."

When no one rebuked, Twilight turned and hopped off her seat, making way for the kitchen, "I have more questions for you. But... somethings a bit more serious, Tick."

I rolled my eyes, "Goodie. I'm guessing you can take me home? But at the cost of something…" I rubbed my chin, "I can't offer my dick… That's kinda weird…" The looks on everyone's faces was well worth the phrase.

"If I said I could take you home, I would be lying to you," Twilight said as she trotted back from the kitchen, she had in her magical grasp; tea, "So, the truth, is Princess Celestia, My mentor, and teacher, is coming to Ponyville."

Twilight offered me the drink, to which I raised an answer, "Uh huh. You said she was coming in a few days." As I took the drink from her, Twilight shook her head,

"That was before she knew something else came for the ride. The reason I wanted you here, was to meet her."

Oh… Quick question, Exactly, how the hell did this day escalate? Like, seriously. One minute, im being awoken by a pegasus.

Okay.

Then, I have an awkward delusion with Shy.

Alright.

Next, Pinkie Happens.

Which Im still trying to figure out how that happened…

Now, I gotta meet some Princess of the Sun. (According to Fluttershy, that's who she was)

So, I was curious. I asked who Celestia was the other day with Fluttershy. She responded with some mumbo jumbo about a wonerful pony, and mother to all. And it went on from there. Although, it was that one conversation after the incident, that escalated towards something else entirely.

I was intrigued at the perspective of who this Princess was, and it got even more interesting when Shy told me what she does _as_ princess, because apparently, some magical unicorn/pegasus can raise and lower the sun. As pitious as it sounds, said Princess is the ruler of this kingdom, and is quite powerful. Obviously a shitty teacher for Twilight, but powerful.

Now, back to what was happening, Twilight had seriously caught my attention, and as for the rest of her friends, she had their looks too. Seeing this, Twilight looked around and said quickly,

"So you can see why I wanted to ask you some things before she gets here."

I scoffed, "Well hell Twi, You got me in another knot here, and I can't fucking get out! Do I just look like an idiot and say nothing when a princess strolls in?"

Twilight pursed her lips, "Well…"

"How long have you known this?"

Twilight looked as if she were doing math inside her head, "Oh… About… Thirteen Hours?"

"...What time is she coming by?"

Twilight blushed, "She's… Already here."

 **A/N:**

 **So, here is another chapter, HOPEFULLY DONE CORRECTLY!**

 **But regardless, done.**

 **ONTO THE REVIEWS! MY GOD!**

HunterHero179

So much is happening and I don't understand! But, screw it, I don't understand anything!  
Great chap, me friend and Mr. Blazer!

 **Hunter, XD, I hope ya liked the chapter regardless!  
**

SilentAngel33

I would ship fluttershy, if SHE WASN'T ALREADY MY BAE.

 **DAMMIT. *tosses Fluttershy ship out window* Fine…**

Yellow Guy chapter 3 . Jul 20

Hello, uh, hello, hello? Uh, welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza!  
-Phone guy, August 1, 2014  
Anyways...  
Great chapter bro! Final scene so cute that I had to watch something flutters related, in this case being the yay song...  
BUT!  
Yay! He's not a complete asshole(except to RD).  
Uh, rating hmmm... 10.  
P.S. another funny chapter from Sir Derpface!

 **MUHAHAHAHAH! Yes… sir Derpface fits nicely. Thanks for reviewing m8! 10/10? BISH IM WRITING AGAIN.**

Kevin Lapse: **(CH 1-3)**

 **Thanks man. For reviewing and all. And, not stupid, ya just didn't Derp hard enough. REGARDLESS, WE DO NOT SPEAK OF DONALD T. IN THE CHAT! °Π° SHIT WILL GET REAL BRUH!**

ShiningShadow1965: ( **CH 1-3)**

 **Thanks bruh! And I'll tell ya what, give me another chapter, and I'll check your stories out. I've already seen that you got hella reviews, but wait, and I'll try and read it! DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!**

Chroma The Harvester

what will happen between Smoking dickwaffle and Shy?

 **My god, you're just roasting Tick. XD,**

 **I don't know? What will happen to the two of them?**

Koal

Cuteness overload near the end, keep up the good work, i'm loving the steady flow of updates. :D

 **Well, this chapter was outputted kinda late, so sorry if you tried reading it earlier. But here it is! DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!**

 **AND DONE!**

 **So as you review, keep in mind, I'm starting another chapter! Duh,**

 **Regardless, thank you, for reviewing, sharing your mind, and making me laugh!**

 **SO! IF YE HAVENT ALREADY, SMASH THAT FOLLOW/FAVORTE BUTTON, LIKE A BAWSSSSSS**

 **AND**

 **ILL SEE YOU, IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!**

 **Keep on Derping!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Table. Where is a table. Ah! There it is. Proceed to step three and four… Flip it.

Due to the nature of how drastic the conversation had turned, my thoughts were on the edge of doing several naughty things to Twilight, and then forgetting about them later. Now, not those kinds of naughty things, (sick… Bastards…), moreover on upturning loose furniture and myself in the process.

If it was one _other_ thing I could call Twilight out, is on how she procrastinates and regards everything in the, 'now', nature. But hey, that's just me. I've known her what? A day? Already hate her as much as the Reading Rainbow.

DAMMIT! THE THEME SONG!

But let's move past that. Because apparently, amidst our little talk, which involved Two questions, one being what I am and the other referring to a special appearance, I had NO idea that somebody important had opened the door to Twilight's abode.

Now, what would you do, if say… Somebody interrupted you during a time of stress, and you'd just about inhaled your whole damn cigarette?

I… Kinda got angry. That's what _I_ did. And I inhaled my cigarette too. Which I advise you _not_ to do.

See, I turned around at the exact moment the door burst open. I was distraught, furious, and at the same time, frustrated that I couldn't take my anger out on the table. So my thoughts turned to the personage/pony/who the hell ever opened that door,

"Who in the fu-"

The next thing I know, give or take, three full grown male stallions, ALL clad in armor, shouting different things like,

"Get it!"

"Celestia, WHAT IS IT!?"

"PROTECT THE PRINCESS!"

Full body tackled me to the ground. It legitimately felt like I was hit with a bowling ball. But instead of one, it was like three. Don't take that out of context.

I wish I had a camera around that time. The look on my face was probably priceless. Being one minute, sitting peacefully, to the next on the ground. Regardless, I flipped the table along the way. Not how I would do it, but hey, what's done is done.

We four idiots hit the floor and rolled, my face ending up colliding into a cyan colored leg, which turns out, kicked me away later. Combined with the efforts of none, I lost that battle, and admitted defeat in five seconds.

They did what I suspected guards of any sort would do, and subdued me to a point of where I was spread out across the floor. And indeed, would be humorous from a different position, other than the floor, in which I looked like a starfish with my body being flattened by god knows how much weight. It was that, and the confused faces being passed around as they tossed me to and fro.

So yeah, I couldn't process what was going on at the moment due to the lack of air my brain was getting, and because of how fucking hot it was under the… Knights? Huh… Would you look at that.

Nevermind the fact that I was being smothered and brutally murdered by their hooves. Take a look at that shiny armor! It was glorious really. So… Not guards… Knights. But knights to whom? The armor was a bright yellow, contrasted against a steely grey. And there was an isignia I could almost make out… If not for the damn heathens above me.

As I struggled, one of the burlier knights slapped something on my wrists, prohibiting any movements of them. Next, all three lifted me up, one of them glaring at me with his horn glowing. I feel as though how these guys treated me, they don't deserve to be detailed. So just know, that there was no way I was going to win the fight.

"Under the jurisdiction of the princ…."

I stopped listening after that, it was at times like these that my humour always won. I had to be the one to do it, and Dash on the couch could see what was coming, her head slowly shaking. I licked my lips, laughing dryly,

"A good Hi, or, hello would've sufficed…"

Cue the facepalms. Or would it be facehoofs?

The guard who had his horn raised was going to remark, his eyes flashing with some sort of venom... _but_ _ **,**_ as I prepared my asshole for a clench most foul, a voice struck from the entryway,

Said voice cut through the tension like a knife on butter, silencing all and craning heads towards its way. Here, is my last question.

Have you ever heard a voice, one of which, that could bestill an entire room? One, that could very well calm a stormy sea, make one stutter in awe, and to top it off, quench a fire's thirst? Wow, that was actually kinda poetic…

Shit, wait. The voice, right,

Well, when she came in, her voice was golden, smoothed against my ears as if silk, and was much more regal than any other I have heard of before. And the way she laughed, sounded like the tinkling of bells.

"Hello."

So that is Celestia. Well excuse me, Princess Celestia. In her somewhat glory, stood there, a gentle smile on her face, but concern etched in her eyes.

From what Fluttershy had told me, I expected something entirely different. But to see _this_ before me… I was very much impressed. Within a fraction of a second, I had glanced her over, taking in what I could before the guards slapped an execution hood over me.

She was pearly white, shimmering almost, but had enough razzle dazzle, to take the sun off the scoreboard. For most manes, I could see why some wanted to let their hair lay flat. But… For the Princess, she let it run wild. Quite literally. And with a multitude of colors I might add.

Also yeah, I could see where the motherly part came in as she regarded everyone in the room with care.

The stunning part of it all, was that she was both Pegasus and Unicorn. A PEGACORN? It took me a moment to see her wings tucked beneath her armor… Or was it a chest plate? Either way, the same insignia bequeathed her plate, a sun.

As I gawked at her form, the Knights of Celestia prepared to do something. The unicorn pointed his horn at me again, this time the tip of it lighting up for what I assumed was some magickz.

So I snapped from my haze and gave Celestia a shit eating grin,

"Hi."

What? It was all I could say.

"Princess Celestia!" Ah Twilight, so you are the one who has sent me to my death. Just ignore me then I guess…The Purple unicorn seemingly bolted towards her mentor, stopping barely in front of her for the both to lock eyes, and then proceeded to glomp her,

"It's so great to see you!"

Celestia laughed again, the slow melodic sound of chimes reaching my plug holes,

"The feeling is mutual Twilight." She glanced up, "I can see while I was away, you made a new friend."

I had to stop myself from laughing. So I let that slide. Twilight seemed to feel the same way, her smile dropping slightly, "Heh… Friend. Oh, well where are my manners! Tick, this is Princess Celestia! Rul-"

"Ruler of Equestria, yadda yadda yadda. I get it." I said fruitlessly, "Nice to meet you Princess, wish it were in bett- HEY! HAN-"

Wait a minute,

"HOOVES OFF MY CIGARETTES."

Come on man, seriously? The unicorn was trifling through my pocketses and taking stuff out, including, but not limited too, my smokes, lighter, and… Phone? Holy hell! Didnt know i still had that…

"HeyheyHEYHEY! Hooves off that area. You go down there, you aren't coming back straight ." What was with this asshole? Really, there was one pegasus that was taking grabby to a whole new level.

When I was finished remarking, said guard paused mid hoof and set it back down, nodding his apologies.

"Yeah that's what I thought." I struggled against the might of the two guards and grunted, "Say Celestia, mind telling these guards of yours to let me off the hook?"

The look of horror on Twilight's face will forever be etched in my mind. I think she expected Celestia to blast me off again or something like that. Guess it comes from the fact that I don't know how to treat royalty.

What Celestia did though, surprised Twilight, _and_ her friends _AND_ the guards,

"Oh yes, I was going to comment on that. Release him please. I never asked for anypony to be shackled did I?"

One of the guards whined, "But Princes-"

"Did I?" She rebuked with a trollish grin.

Y'know. I'm beginning to like her.

The guards let me go with frowns of utter complacency. I know fellas, i'm just hard to let go of aren't I? Nevertheless, once my wrists were free, I rubbed them and raised a humoured brow towards Celestia,

"Thanks. Your guards take their jobs seriously… I'm gonna be sore for weeks now..."

Celestia rolled her head and seemingly shrugged, "If you think my guards are bad, you should see my sister's."

I gasped and said to no one in particular, "She has a sister?! My goodness, two Princesses!"

Twilight picked up a discarded cigarette and threw it at me, a false smile on her muzzle, "Tick? That's enough.."

Aw.. Is little Twilight embarrassed? Good. Do you know what fucking tree floor tastes like? No? Well I had some earlier, and it was quite appalling.

"So you are the character Twilight has told me about." Celestia added with a smile.

I ever so graciously nodded, "The one and only. I hope what she has told you are good…" I said with a flick towards the shocked unicorn.

"Tick… Is it? Well, she used…" Celestia gazed at the ceiling and tittered, "Choiced words."

I looked towards Celesta in surprise, "Oh did she now?"

Celestia giggled, "Indeed."

I gazed at Twilight with an innocent smirk, "I have been nothing but an angel to her. I swear."

Twilight snorted, "Angels have wings, he, does not."

I raised a hand and held two fingers up, "Second offense Grapefruit. Third strike and you're out."

Celestia pursed her muzzle, "Sarcasm. An interesting way to push life."

I clicked my tongue, "It's fun. Should try it some time, Celestia."

Celestia looked thoughtful, "I have tried to actually. But then it just so happened that something came up." She sighed, "It was then back to relishing in the glow of politicians."

I nodded my sympathy, "I have no idea what that feels like, but I am sorry nonetheless."

Celestia giggled, "It prevented a war. So it shouldn't be that bad to care every so often."

I shrugged, swatting the guards away to pick up my items of interest. As I stuffed my pocketses, I responded with a callous,

"Yeah, well, I'm guessing you didn't take off on keeping your kingdom safe just because you, 'didn't care'."

Celestia said it as if I had hit the nail on the head, "Precisely! I actually took time away to come see the newest resident in Ponyville."

I smiled, "Well here I am, your highness."

"Quite, I admire your enthusiasm."

"Oh it's not enthusiasm Celestia. Call it what you want, but it's not that."

Celestia grinned, nodding her acceptance, "Fair enough. Well! Enough of this indolence. I'm famished."

Twilight blinked, merely trotting forward as if half dead, "Right… Breakfast…"

I watched her go into the kitchen, as she disappeared, I turned back to the princess,

"Wow, do you normally have that effect on ponies?"

Celestia giggled, "I doubt it is I who is affecting her, Tick."

I gave her a smirk, "Must be your guards then."

O.o.O.o.O

The meal was awkward. Really, that's all that I can say in towards what happened. Twilight's friends left early, due to Pinkie saying something about a party, so I never got the chance to pick at Skittles for a slob she is.

Regardless, the only ones left were me, Twilight, Celestia, her guards; Fuck One; Bitch Two; and Asshole Three. I'll come up with better names later. So while Celestia and her student caught up on the past events and what was to come, the three stooges and I held a polite staring contest as we ate.

The meal consisted of oats and lettuce. Horrible stuff, the oats were, but I couldn't complain because of what Ponies couldn't eat. Which was Bacon and… I think eggs? Anyway, We all were able to eat in the same vicinity, so to speak, so nothing bad happened other than me chucking oats off the guards armor. Which was hilarious to watch them do nothing as I harmlessly pelted them with food.

But… All the while of pestering the guards, A thought occurred. Not a normal, look see thought. It was more of a Christmas present. You're excited/nervous to find out what it is, and then when you do find out, your stomach drops.

Well maybe not like that, but still. Why was Celestia being polite to me, whilst everyone else treated me differently? Fluttershy doesn't count because half the time I was near her, she wouldn't even look at me. And Twilight is most definitely intrigued in me on a scientific level.

But Celestia? _During_ breakfast, on occasion, and when I wasn't fucking with the three guards, Celestia and I engaged in short snipits of conversation. And I must say, that the whole time of doing so, I learned more than I ever would in a classroom.

It was again, mostly small stuff, regarding the varying degrees of my sanity, Equestria, the Inhabitants thereof, and what I thought about Equestria so far. (Hint hint, nudge nudge,) Celestia learned quickly that I wanted out.

The last piece was the conversation killer. Basically being the last thing Celestia and I said during our feast. However, she did say something about talking in private. I agreed, on terms that I at least get something in my stomach.

So yeah, here we are twenty or so minutes later, and it was about time to cash in that agreement. Twilight was gathering the plates up in her magical grasp, shooting the silverware and such into the sink. I was out of oats, and the guards had opted off after that, throwing me dirty looks as they went.

So, as I stood and pushed my chair in, Celestia awaited patiently next to me, a soft smile on her muzzle. She needn't say anything, her actions clearly speaking the words, and I followed her into the other room.

Which, mind, was basically two steps away. It was the library portion of the tree. So the only things to listen in on our talk were the books. And I doubt the books needed any more knowledge.

"Tick, there is something we need to discuss."

I nodded as Celestia stopped and turned slowly,

"Yeah. Seems obvious with the whole, Privacy and all."

Celestia slowly lost her smile, "And I'm going to be frank with you."

The implications were there, and it was a factor from the start,

"I'm not going home anytime soon are I?"

It looked as if I hit her with a freight train. The grief that suddenly overtook her features,

"No… You aren't… And I wish it weren't I to be the one to say it, but… You might not be going back at all."

Ah.

… I feel as if I should be mad. Yes, I flipped a table already, but I had help. What was I missing, To make me feel that it would be a waste of time to send me back?

"Kinda figured. Twilight said something about it being a, Hard Spell." I shook my head, "Whatever that means."

Celestia looked over my shoulder, hearing that Twilight was still doing dishes,

"And she was right. It was marked for a reason, and she still casted it."

I chuckled, "Well she's learning. Can't blame her for much. Even though she caused this."

"Yes, this and much more, Tick. And as much as I hate to say it…"

I deadpanned, "Already said that."

" _As much as I hate to say it,_ My fear grows the longer you stay here."

Raising a brow, I crossed my arms and leaned back, "But I can't exactly go back, Celestia. I don't even know where the hell I am."

"Don't make me say it Tick."

I blinked, "Say what?"

Celestia looked left and then right, "Y'know… Things."

I coughed, "I don't follow."

She looked at me as though I was stupid. Which I probably was give or take.

"Must I spell it out?"

I smirked, "I could buy the vowels."

Celestia let out a sigh, following it up with a small grin,

"It's been awhile since somepony has spoken to me as such."

Chuckling, I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shrugged, "Well, it's my first time talking to a Pegacorn. So it's a start right?"

"Pega...Corn?"

I chided, "Yeah. Pegasus and a Unicorn. I could find a better name for you. You're both a pegasus and a unicorn. So, meh."

Celestia stopped moving and stood there, a dumbfounded look on her muzzle.

God, apparently this happens a lot to when I talk to people. And ponies. I start talking, they listen, and eventually, they want me to shut the fuck up. It's been like this for a few years. Not trying to complain, I find it hilarious as hell. But it gets on my nerves every so often when I'm trying to have a meaningful conversation and they can't respond to something simple.

Anyway.

"The…" She cleared her throat, "Correct term… Is Alicorn. And please, don't ask what we are, I'm also afraid that you simply won't get it."

I snorted, "Are you implying-"

"That you are quite the idiot? Then yes I am."

I unfolded one of my hands and pointed, a grin forming, "Touché, Celestia. Please, continue."

Celestia looked at me askew, as if she were trying to judge me from the side,

"I'm sorry Tick. It's just so often my student finds trouble and indeedly so, it follows her where she may be."

I glanced back to see Twilight using her magic to wash the dishes…

Gosh I wish it were that easy.

"Huh. Never thought she would be dangerous, Princess. She seems quite innocent."

Celestia's face grew firm, "It isn't her that is dangerous. Only the things she brings with her."

I've been called many things in my short span of years. Many names that could kill the poor of heart and tear down the defenses of a stocked man. But never before, have I been called dangerous.

It didn't anger me, which is surprising yet again, but rather concerned me to beg the fact,

"You think I'm dangerous?"

Celestia blinked, caught off guard somewhat at the question,

"I… No. I don't want to believe you are dangerous. Nor do I want to find ways to think you are." She straightened, "Your attitude is a somewhat oddity, but nopony can change that. I'm concerned of what you might do to somepony who does."

I snorted, "I'd wring their scrawny necks."

"And I can't have that. Tick," Celestia began with a sincere tone, "I will do everything in my power to find you a way back home. A way to reverse the spell. But," She said looking down,

"I cannot say anything towards a success."

I pulled my package of cigarettes out and decided to light one. Need to keep count on those things…

"You do that Celestia. Among the other things you have to do as well, I will give you a somewhat word." Taking a drag, I exhaled, smoke billowing out in small clouds,

"I'll be a good boy and try not to destroy anything." I finished with a smile, which did nothing to ease Celestia,

" don't sound so convincing."

Shrugging, I paced back and forth, "Probably so. A certain pegasus and I are already enemies. All I did was look at her."

"Yes. With a weapon aimed at her friends too."

I stuck my hands out, "They fucking broke INTO my house! What was I supposed to do?"

Celestia giggled, eyeing me with a newfound humour, "I don't know Tick. Find that out on you your own."

"Great. Another thing to worry about. Thanks, Princess."

"Again. Just Celestia."

I smirked and bowed slightly, "As you wish, Celestia."

Celestia smiled and began into the main room, "Tick, I leave you in the hands of my Student and her friends, just until I can find a solution to your problem."

I watched as she turned with a hopeful grin, "We will get you home."

O.o.O.o.O

Officially the first day in Equestria, and it's off to a glorious start. I now have four enemies. Take a guess to who they are and you'll know I'm in some quite deep shit. I have Celestia being a stalker, watching my every move, and not to mention her student, Twilight Sparkle. Both being some very high and mighty trolls at the moment.

They arent the ones i'm worried about. In fact, from what Celestia riveted me with, they are worried about me. So when Celestia did leave, Twilight, asked me to stay with her tonight, (No, not in her room, Bastards), so she could further, ask me questions. If you want my opinion, She wants to study me.

The good news about today, was that I was able to say hello to what I'd like to think is my only acquaintance in Equestria, Fluttershy. She decided to come over and see if Twilight could give her, Twilight's pet owl. Apparently it was molting season, and the Owl had it pretty bad.

Get this, the poor owl's name is Owlicious. (EQUESTRIAN LOGIC PEOPLE)

But upon seeing me, she and I had a very lengthy conversation that lasted about a minute before she disappeared. To me, that's a new record.

So that was the good shit for today. The bad, was I had no other apparel to wear, and Twilight had a nose for skunking me out. Sorry Twilight, if I had known I'd be transported across god knows what, I'd've packed me a suitcase.

Regardless, she scheduled me for a date with destiny!

Actually it was a time frame with another one of her friends who just so happened to be a dress maker. Something like that. Ironic right?

Why is that bad news might you ask?

Well, I don't like shopping, or anything to do with clothing. So, Rarity, is in for one helluva surprise tomorrow.

Who knows though. Might actually like it? Might really not. All I know, is Twilight knew how to make a bed. So I shall sleep in it.

O.o.O.o.O

 **WHAT'S GOING ON PEOPLES,**

 **JACKSEPTICEY-**

 **Sorry, Derp here and with DragonLord Ryukizoku! We are BACK at it again with no white vans, but another late as hell chapter!**

 **So without further ado!**

 **Reviews!**

The Other Guy - Dude! Next chapter please!

 **Derp: Bro! Here you go!**

HunterHero179 - The level of hate I have for Ticky is past butterflies. I really hate butterflies.

 **Derp: Damn. You hate him? *mission accomplished***

DragonLord RyuKizoku - I see the Blazing Winds didn't help with reviews this chapter... Also, "she's already here"? Did you have to pull that?

 **Derp: I don't know. Can you answer that, Dragon?**

 _ **Ryu:...awkward as fuck to make me answer a question I asked, ya know. There's a reason I asked, after all.**_

Chroma The Harvester - When the akwardness reaches it's point just right it makes me wanna get a belt and threaten a thief that i wanna hang myself

must get an even better roasted name for tick

hmmm I GOT IT

tick ya talking fuck bag

 **Derp: XD again, keep it up, and the commenters will be more savage the story!**

 _ **Ryu: I still say his name should be Fucky McFuckerson...**_

WarHusky2000 - Hello comrade! Zis story makes me laugh everytime, I want to read ze next chapter now! Hahaha! Keep it up comrade! Or else... Stalin sends you to gulag... XD

 **Derp: Nu! Not ze gulag!**

 _ **Ryu: WHAT THE FUCK IS GULAG?!**_

 **Derp: *looks around* You didn't hear this from me.**

 ***whispers* Google Knows...**

Killed streaks - Brilliant! Just simply Manefique! *Mustache came out of nowhere with a french cap*

I like where this is going... so far. Would it hurt to suggest for a Tick x Fluttershy action (Nonsexual, of course) just some special friendship/relationship?

Bah, ignore that! It's your story, your work. Know that I'll support it.

Keep on Derping! *Thums up!*

 **Derp: Wwwweeeeelllllll… I might. Not a yes, neither a no. Maybe. AND I WILL DERP! IT IS MEH JOB!**

 _ **Ryu: And a perfect job for you it is!**_

ShiningShadow1965 - Great chapter looks like Tick Is ready for Celestial at this point I hope nothing is going wrong at this point well done bravo.

 **Derp: Nothing to bad. Just the obvious, and thanks fer reviewing!**

Kevin Lapse - you wanna go brah?! I'll take you down town brah! where you will meet my uncle, home slice! he'll make dinner man! it will be lasagna, dude! and you will enjoy every bite, homie-g. you smelling what I'm stepping in. because, it seems like its a bunch of big bird squaks on the downtown square, dawg. but I feel your hip in the ways of the bird fly's, so give it to me soul brother.

 **Derp: Bruh. Bbbrrrruuuuhhhh. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH.**

 **Seems legit.**

 _ **Ryu: I understand none of this shit. Speak english, not street rat.**_

 **Derp: Just a lit-tle snack guys! ~**

S13NDYGUY - NOOOOOOIIIIICCCEEEEEEEEEEE... rly, good job

 **Derp: Thanks m8!**

SilentAngel33 - TBH, though, I think that if anyone would be a good ship in this story, it would be fluttershy. Just because she is the only one your character does not despise. Except for maybe not despising Pinkie pie, but I don't think pinkie would really be a ship.

 **Derp: I have never seen a Pinkie ship. And if it must be so, then by the fires of hell, I will write a Pinkie ship.**

 _ **Ryu: Uh, Lunar Legacy? It may not be with the main character, but RariPie is still a Pinkie ship.**_

 **Derp: pfft. I knew that…**

 **Actually. Kinda forgot. If you do wanna see a great Pinkie ship, there's the story foretold of it.**

That One Brony - Where's the next Chapter?

 **Derp: Its** **write** **right here.**

 _ **Ryu:...did you leave that typo on purpose?**_

 **Derp: *sighs* yes...**

 **So there you have it! Another chapter squared away, another chapter to soon be written. I hope you enjoyed! And If you didn't, I failed my job.**

 **Nonetheless! Enjoy.**

 **Keep on Derping!**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Don't… Move. Maybe if I don't move, it wont follow me. Wait, that only works in movies. Oh no, Fuck, butterfly, on nose! Nu… Don't do it, DONT YOU FOKIN DARE!

"ACHHHUU!"

Man… Annnnnnd its doing that weird glomp thing to my leg aga-... Is it purring?

O.o.O.o.O

Okay, sorry. Let me recap on what has happened.

So! Today went off with a bang. Quite literally. There I was, with plans to sleep until at least the afternoon. The bed was comfortable, I was happy for once, and then; **boom**. No sleep at all, and never happy again. It reminded me of when they appeared in my living room, and I was scared that I was in a loop, doomed to forever relive the last moments in my house.

No, it wasnt that. I wish it was though. That way, I could exact my revenge different ways, different times. I'm a sadistic bastard, deal with it.

In regards to the big bang, excuse; boom, I found out too late that Twilight… (Yes I'm still fucking here), had done something bad. Naughty Twilight.

Apparently, said unicorn had _tried_ to make food. Not with her own two han- hooves, but with her magic. _I_ wake up to find the retard face first in a wall. She and I engaged in a lengthy conversation of about two minutes. Apparently she wnted out. Do you know how tempted I was to just leave her there?

Anyway, I decided to be the good guy and pulled her out. Thankfully she was conscious and not hurt that badly. But it begged a question on how she survived going through solid wood? Like, she said she was creating a spark, and had left the stove on for too long. So the gas released, created a pocket of air for the boom I heard. She was standing in front of the stove and got thrown back into her wall.

Note to self: Ponies are both stupid and indestructible.

P.S: Don't let Twilight cook for me.

Now, after that scenario, I found it concerning to leave soon; for the fact that I needed new clothes, and a shoe. I had my left one, but when I was brought here, I lost my right. I wasn't complaining yet, but the next time I stub my toe on something absolutely retarded or get it stomped on by some human hating pony, I will stab a hoe.

So I made me something to eat and slumped myself on Twilights couch. What was interesting, is that I had to find me something to do. Ponies don't have Netflix, nor do they have television. It wasn't all bad, but it was a start for me to whine about.

Pretty much all I did was fiddle with my cigarettes and lighter as I ate fucking lettuce. I already tried my phone and it was dead. Forgot to plug it in when I got home…

However, amongst the million things I could do and could have done, engaging in a staring contest with a dragon, was not on my list. It was in fact, at the very bottom, beside mooning Fluttershy. (I'm not going to do it, so shaddup)

The, young drake and I noticed each other's presence at about the same time. See, he had walked in with a mouthful of… I shit you not, _gems_. He had looked both left and right, swallowing what he had left,

"Uh… Hi?"

Blinking, I coughed and summed it up as a Barney ripoff, "'Sup?"

What went from there, was the quickest aquaitence I have ever made. Actually, I would say he was the second. First one was someone else. He cracked a joke about how crappy the morning was and I laughed. Turns out, the dragon's name is Spike. Spike, is fucking hilarious, and shares some principles with me.

Like how he knows Twilight can't cook.

But Spike was a weird purplish and green color, hence the nickname Barney. However, being a dragon, (that's what he said he was, and had instantly perked my attention), he had the cool ass slitted eyes. Not to mention they were green! I asked him if it was alright for me to call him by his new nickname, but he refused. Said something about him already having a nickname. Sad, I know.

But I gained a cool little amigo as a friend! And he was a dragon!

Seriously though, I'm ready to go to Dragon Land now, so where's that fucking stone?

Lest it be strange and concerning, Spike is actually a helper for Twilight. Says he does little jobs for her and is the one who made the meal yesterday morning.

I asked where he had been through the whole day, and he responded with a quick answer of, 'being at a special someponies house'.Whatever that meant was beyond me. So I left it at that and talked with him for a bit.

Now, give or take… Five minutes later, Twilight had asked me to start heading over to Rarity's. She interrupted our little chat and told me that to get to her friend, was a bit of a walk, but her little assistant would help me find my way there.

My excitement grew at spending more time with Spike, maybe ill ask if he can breathe fire! Or maybe… ASK HIM IF HE CAN FLY! I was actually excited about something. Huh, go figure. Though here is where they threw the wrench in,

Spike had told his mentor that he wasn't going to be able to do that since he was already sorting the bunches of books Twilight had. Said mare was befuddled for a moments time, and then nonchalantly passed it off. She just told me a couldn't miss Rarity's shop.

Said it was, Flashy. Like her personality no doubt…

C'est la vie, I suppose. Spending time with Spike would have to wait.

Now, for the point above and what I bet you are still conffuzled about.

You see, several different things occurred whilst walking shoe and foot upon the gravel of Ponyville. Within the subsection of my mind and incoherent babbling, I remembered seeing a pink fluffy pony. Like, _really_ fluffy, a day before. Looked like a sheep almost if not for the hooves and muzzle difference.

Now, what had happened was, It and I had locked gazes, so because of that, it was a null negotiated treaty of conversation. _If_ it could talk. In short, it didnt, only speaking in what I assumed where tongue farts. Anyway, long story short, I was walking past Sugarcube Corner, and said pink pony caught sight of lonely ol' me walking around, deciding to follow.

For the sake of my sanity and for the sake of others, I refrain from increasing my vocabulary by using words such as cute, or pretty. But goddamn, that fluffy fucker was ADORABLE.

It had a way with tugging out my inner most bitch, and almost made me squee at how it trotted after me. The pink fluff seemed to defy gravity, and like Pinkie, hopped, instead of trotting like everyone else.

So what's so bad about having something like that following you?

Well, where my panic set in is when it _**wouldn't**_ stop following me. So I ran, albeit with a limp because running on pebbles hurts my feet. I planned to lose it in someway because really, Ponyville wasn't that large, but had a crowd that could easily hide me from anyone I despised.

Now, I didn't despise the pink cotton ball, but at the moment, it was creeping me out. So as I weaved in between the crowd, I did a sharp left and ducked into a nearby back store alley. Said alley provided just enough lenience to conceal my breathless form.

I needed to quit smoking. Bad habit, I know. Cigarettes are the things that put my cousin in the hospital. Think he has to eat from a hole in his throat now… Bah. Anyways.

Cigarettes! Oh yes. Lemme jus-

I leaned back to grasp the back of my pocket but stopped midway, my eyes widening before the picture for forming before me. Although the alley provided shade and casted semi-dark shadows everywhere, I couldn't just miss _that_ thing.

Somehow, somewhere, the guy who invented physics was screaming in agony. The pink furball had somehow found its way onto the roof of the store and had been peering down at me the entire time I was dying, its tounge sticking out. So I froze, and stayed as still as possible.

Yeah, you know the rest.

O.o.O.o.O

I tensed up and closed an eye as it threw itself from the rooftop. What I expected to be a tackle to the ground, actually felt like a feather brushing against my skin. Score points to Hufflepuff.

Now the next thing to happen, was watch the overly puffy pony crawl around my, eventually settling on latching onto my leg. Basically, what had just happened, was the most adorable glomp ever.

And not only that, but for some reason, the thing was purring as if it were a cat. Personally, I was afraid to move it, so I called myself an asshole and walked around town with a unidentifiable object stuck to my leg.

I of course was stared at before, but now that I had a snap on pony, I was receiving more hardened glares and looks of concern. But I ignored them, choosing to smoke while we weaved in and out of the ponies.

As we got closer to what I assumed was were Rarity lived, or at least the general direction, I noticed that the furball was making motorboat like noises. And when I sped up or slowed down, so did the noises. It was hilarious, so, recognizing this pony as a non-threatining huggable thingy, I started talking to it,

"So what do I call you? Pob? Bob was blue… But you're pink… Can't call you Pinkie though." I glanced down to see it shake its head, vibrating slowly. I found it funny and chuckled lightly to myself,

"Alright. Not Pob." After a moment, I raised a brow, "Do you even have a name?"

It nodded and started doing hoof motions, the noises speeding up and down as it did more and more vareties. Case in point, I didn't understand shit,

"Uh huh… Maybe I should ask Rarity if you have a name. Seems like she would be the old-nosey hag type." I swear I thought God was talking to me for a moment, a voice cut through the chatter of the square,

"Of course she has a name, silly! Her name's Fluffle Puff!"

I recognized that voice… Wait her? Ohhhhhhhh. Explains the pink. Turning, I saw who was speaking and gave a small grin, nodding a welcome to the hovering mare,

"Ms. Hooves, a pleasure."

Derpy. I met her yesterday, in which she was nice enough to han- hoof me a muffin. Anybody who gives me food is alright in my books, so yeah, I didn't fucking snap at her. Plus that, and she was… well reminded me of someone.

Derpy was a peculiar sight though, being that of a dreary grey with a vibrant yellow. It also explains her exuberant eye color too, being that of a dainty sunflower. Nonetheless, she giggled and flew to the left, "Ms. Hooves? Reminds me of mom. Please, its Derpy. I'm the only one!"

"I can see that. How goes your morning then Derpy?"

Derpy shrugged, her walled eyes darting in different directions, "Its been okay so far. Right now, I'm trying to get to a…" She checked a bag that was clipped to her side, "Stallion named Filthy Rich. But I may have been… Turned around…" She added with a blush.

PPFFFFTTT. FILTHY RICH? What kind of name is that?!

Neverless, Smiling, I lifted my leg, "If I had name like that, I'd forget where I was too. 'Sides, I was on my way over to Rarity's. Hopefully I can drop this clingy furball off somwhere along the way. Wanna tag along?"

Derpy saluted and flew to my shoulder, "Sure! Dinky made sure I brought snacks too! So we have some good things to eat." She said as she ruffled head first through her bag.

I cocked my head, "Dinky?"

Derpy came back out with a muffin abroad, "Mhm! She's my daughter!"

Daughter? _She_ has a daughter? I tried to not let the shock show, merely clearing my throat in awkwardness,

"That's nice. How old is she?"

Derpy put a hoof to her chin, "I believe she is Applebloom's age."

Applebloom? Oh my sweet lord, these names...

So with careful steps, my little tag along entourage made our way through the food court.

As we ventured, Derpy made small talk and I engaged somewhat, feeling less sarcastic when I was around her. Not to mention, I think Fluffle Puff was rubbing off on me, her with the motorboat tounge sounds.

I noticed too, that I went through three cigarettes as we talked. Which was weird. I wasn't stressed… Much. But don't let my assholic nature get the best of you, I will always be that, however only to those I wish to be it to. Like Skittles, family, Twilight, Rarity, Maybe Pinkie if she gets on my nervers, Bob, Etc.

Derpy, I couldn't be an asshole towards. She was innocent, and actually reminded me of someone from school. She was my first acquaintence if I remember correctly…

As I dwelled in my thoughts, Derpy had flown in front of me and cocked her head,

"So Tick, where are you from?"

I sighed, "Why do you ask?"

"Because I haven't seen ya 'round here." She said, mimicking what I assumed was that farmpony across the way,

"Ah. Well that's because I'm not."

Derpy stopped flying, allowing me to pass her, "Oh…" She then shook her head realizing that I was ahead,

"Well then from where?"

I blinked, "Not from Equestria. I'll give you that much."

Derpy smiled, "Really? Where else could anypony be instead of Equestria, Tick?"

Oh my god, really? Okay you know what,

"Derpy, I don't think I'm from this world. Does that quench your thirst of knoweledge? At least that's what has been proven."

"Not from this world? What? But you had to get here somehow… Maybe you came here on a…"

I chuckled, "Twilight. I came here on a Twilight. But landed on that roof over there." I said pointing at the exact spot I was about Two days ago."

Derpy cocked her head, Fluffle Puff mimicking her, "So… You aren't from… Equestria?"

I nodded, "Indeed."

Derpy gasped, "THEN THAT MEANS YOURE AN ALIE-MMFGHH."

I put a muffin in her snout and a finger to my lips,

"We do not use that word. I'm not an alien, Derpy. Just a guy who had bad luck worn on him."

Fluffle Puff soothed me by touching my cheek somehow and letting out a soft,

"Pfffbbbttt…"

Thanks Puff. Derpy chewed the muffin up and blushed slightly,

"Well… You don't look like an alien."

I smiled, "Thanks Derpy. Makes me feel less ugly."

Derpy giggled, "Oh stop. I was trying to compliment you."

I shrugged, "And it worked. Congratulations. Muffin?" I said, holding out a muffin Fluffle Puff forgot to eat.

Derpy smirked and yoinked the muffin from me,

"Yknow, you arent as mean as everypony says…"

I eyed Derpy, "I haven't been here a few days and already rumours are spreading?"

Fluffle Puff nodded, pointing to various directions and running around me with a smile. Apparently Derpy got what the Fluffers was trying to say and agreed,

"She's right. Nopony knows what to think of you yet. So, they're just scared."

Damn. I feel them on that. Bet I'd be scared too if some five foot fuck tall dude came stomping through my neighborhood, smoking and shit.

And with that in mind, I stooped to Derpys level,

"Do you think I'm scary, Derpy?"

Derpys eyes looked from the muffin to me over the course of a few seconds. Eventually, she smiled,

"Naw, you're just cuteness impaired! Spend a couple of days here and Ponyville will clear that up."

Pfft, "I'll pass."

I stood back up and watched as Fluffle Puff latched onto my leg again. Derpy resigned to looking at the muffin, which after a while, I was worried it would burst into flames if she continued.

Actually, that sounds rather delicious. Charcoaled muffin. Mmm...

"I wonder…"

I raised a brow, "Wonder, what?"

The grey mare shot up, "Ooooo! Tick, what if I stick muffins over my eyes! WOULD I HAVE MUFFIN VISION?!"

I laughed, "That's ridiculous. When you start seeing muffins, Derpy, that means you're hungry. Besides, if you want to see the food, just make them."

Derpy wilted, "Aw… But the… Muffin vision…"

Dammit. Again with the eyes, Fluffle Puff included…

"Fine… Fine! I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.."

Famous last words. Derpy slapped muffins over Puffs eyes and hers,

"TICK! IT WORKS!"

The gray sun colored mare flew to and fro, a huge smile on her face, with the addition of two muffins… Fluffle Puff gasped and somehow threw herself gracefully away. Watching the two of them dance arpund, in both the sky and on the ground left me to wonder,

"Wait really?"

I watched in amusement as Derpy flew around, a giggle escaping her in bubbles. Occasionally, a few of her kind would stop and look up, the would vary in responses, some laughing, and others sighing and shaking their heads.

But who cares right? Shes having fun, and I'm sure as hell not stopping her. Though, she did stop as she careened into the only standing human. Which was me. But she wouldn't let that force her away from F.U.N.

"Tick, you gotta try this!" Derpy said as she wobbled to her feet, the muffins falling away from her eyes.

"Derpy, that is fruitfully tempting. But I prefer watching you do it."

Derpy groaned, "Oh, you are such a stick in the mud."

I scoffed innocently, "Moi? Madame, I am no stick in the mud."

Derpy smirked, her gaze becoming squinted, "Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Are to."

"Seriously. Not."

She giggled, "Are to!"

"Are to."

"See? Told you."

Dammit. I just got Derped by Derpy. How fucking classic.

"Okay. Let's say I do it. Will that make you stop asking?"

Derpy poked me on my shoulder, her tongue stuck out like Fluffers, "Maybe."

Sighing, I put the cigarette out and took the muffins Derpy had given me,

"So just put these over my eyes?"

Both Fluffers and Derpy nodded. So that's what I did. And before you go all, OH MY GOD, TICK DID IT WORK?

No it didn't fucking work. I looked like a goddamned idiot with food on his eyes.

"Do you have the vision, Tick?"

"No. All I see is the ass of a muffin. Can I go now?"

Derpy whined, "See? He is a stick in the mud!" I think she was talking to Fluffle Puff. The response was a, 'uh huh', in tongue farts, "He doesn't see like we do!"

Laughing, I shrugged and took one of the foods off, "Because I'm not putting enough effort into it. Happens, Ms. Hooves."

Derpy looked at me cross, "You're making me feel old."

"Better than acting that way. Now, _who wants a muffin?_ "

O.o.O.o.O

I found Rarity's place after the little scenario with Derpy. Said mare left with Fluffle Puff and frolicked away to Neverland. Which was okay with me, I'm fine walking by myself to a Carousel dressed like a boutique.

Oh did I mention that's the name? Carousel Boutique. I will let you know right now, If Rarity has some sort of Business woman sales rhyme, there will be hell to pay. The basic gist of it, was actually a very fancy looking carousel. Although, it looked like something my grandma would have. You'd wind it up and it would make some sort of old tune play. Minus the horses.

With my courage steeled, and pride tucked away, I walked up to the dollhouse and knocked. Three simple raps, and it took that long for Rarity to actually appear.

If I were to comment on anything about her appearance, then I would say, that she looked fancy. But me trying to look at a horse, excuse, pony, that has make-up on, is kind of strange. Nonetheless, in standards of if she looked the part, then yes, she did.

A glow had engulfed the door, gracefully opening it to reveal the white and indigo unicorn standing before me,

"Ah, welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where everything is sl-"

Nopenopenopenope, thats the begining to a godawful rhyme, "Let me just stop you right there. Do, NOT, continue. _PLEASE._ "

Rarity blinked and sized me up, which she hadn't done before, "Oh. Its just you. You're late."

I sighed, "In this case, it appears I am fashionably late. May I come in?" Rarity stepped aside, allowing me entry into her abode.

In the section of, if the place was roomy or not, know that it was quite… Compact. Now, before you get all judgemental on me, _I'm in a fucking Toy right now._ What do you expect me to say? Rather, expect me to do?

Stick a pole through one of her mannequins and dash around in a circle? Actually might do that now. It is a carousel after all.

"Tick, this way."

I snapped from my thoughts and looked around to find Rarity trotting away,

"Oh what, I can't look at the splendor of your home?"

Rarity stopped and turned, "No. Look all you want. But I am on a crunch for time. Not to mention, the time we lost traveling with Twilight."

"Aww… You care about me."

Rarity scoffed, flipping her hair dramatically,

"Hardly the case. Now, be a dear and follow?"

I bowed, "Of course, Milady."

Another long story short, we walked to a portion of her home specifically designed for "making" clothes. Not clothes for me, oh no, clothes for ponies. There were hundreds of dresses and suits just lined against several mannequins, already to the point of perfection and ready to be sold.

Rarity sat me down and went away to go collect her dress making shit. When she came back, I was crouching down, poking at what I thought was a pure gold suit.

"Darling, please do not touch. The last thing I wish to hear is you getting a smudge on the dresses."

I snorted, cocking my head so I could get a better view of the suit, "Oh don't get your panties in a bunch. If I wanted to break some shit, I would've."

"Tick."

I sighed, "Right. Plant my ass in the seat. Gotcha."

So that's what I did, planting my overly large ass into a way to small seat. Almost immediately, Rarity started measuring different sections, her magic taking glows in different portions of the tape, pen and notepad she was carrying.

Her eyes widened and squinted towards some portions, she was even nice enough to measure my foot and shoe. Now, I am happy. NEW SHOES.

"Tick, would you mind removing this… Shirt, Is it?"

I raised a brow, "What next. My pants?"

"Funny. Shirt. Off now."

I saluted, "Yes mam!"

I quickly unbuttened the shirt and tossed it away, putting my hands into my pants pocketses. Rarity sighed and went back to measuring as she had done before. But this time, she had a confused and rather curious look when she finished.

"Alright. So, you need some new upper and lower… Portions…" She said as I buttoned my shirt, "This won't take to long to make. Nothing short of making that article for a Minotaur once. Dependent on your color scheme, will declare how long it should take."

I shrugged, standing so I could roll my shoulders, "I'm not picky. But I would ask that your expertise come forward for the colors."

Rarity smiled, "Keep up that attitude and I might take that as a compliment. Nonetheless, It would be my pleasure."

And again with the references, "Uh-huh. Thanks Rarity. Though, you do realize I my wallet with me, right?"

Rarity nodded, "Oh worry not. Celestia came by."

Damn.

"She did?"

Rarity nodded, "Quite. Left me a sum for now payments and those of the future. But regard that of not. I wouldn't dare make you pay me."

I raised a boastful question, "And why is that?"

The white made batted her lashes and chose to turn to her work, "I wouldn't take it darling. It's not in my nature to."

I chuckled, "Ah. I generous dressmaker then."

Rarity giggled, "Quite. Now, Because of you, I'm busy. So shoo!"

I raised my hands in defense and walked away, "Alright. Alright. Do you need me for anything before I go?"

Rarity had been collecting materials for making the shoe, but stopped, "Oh. Well, no. Actually…" She blinked and shook her muzzle, "Nothing of your concern, Tick."

I raised a brow, "I hope you do know I'm going to berate you until you tell me right?"

Rarity looked up, "Really?"

"Indeed."

She sighed, "Well in that case, Tick, I can finish your clothing in a matter of minutes. It doesn't require effort. If you are available to, I need you to pick up my little sister from her school. By the time you get back, it should be done."

I chuckled, "You actually trust me to do that?"

Rarity nodded, "Yes. I mean, otherwise you'd have to face the wrath of Princess Celestia no doubt if you harmed her in anyway."

You bitch.

"On top of that, you'd have to face me too."

I gave her a questionable look, "Again with the threats, Miss Rarity. Keep _that_ attitude up, and I would actually be afraid."

"Regardless, could you do it for me Tick?"

With a sigh, I nodded, earning a grateful smile from the unicorn,

"Can you direct me where it is? I have no fucking idea how to navigate about town."

Rarity winked, "All you needed was to ask."

PVO.o.O.

"And with that, Have a good weekend class! Dismissed!"

A school bell signaled the end of the day, allowing fillies and young colts alike to leave. Some left with their mothers, others with fathers. Some, left without parents at all. But a few of them stuck around, supposedly two of them waiting on the third,

"How 'bout your place then? Mah sis is cleaning today. Can't do it there."

"What?! Applejack is doing that TODAY? Man…" A filly with a purple mane sighed, "Well if Sweetie Bell would hurry up, maybe _her_ sister could let us sleep over."

Another filly hopped from the entrance of the school, "I don't know girls. She's been very adamant about letting you two over since we…"

"SHHHWe don't talk 'bout that."

"Oh of course Applebloom doesn't want to talk about it."

Sweetie Bell giggled, "Right. Well where is Rarity?"

Applebloom looked up and shrugged, "I dunno. Scootaloo said that she forgot about us."

Scootaloo pegged her friend in the shoulder, "Did not!" The other two looked between each other, smirking. It ended with all three laughing.

Typical youngster stuff, yadda yadda yadda. The major point of them just waiting there, was for the mare Rarity to come. But I knew better. Instead of her, it was _him_. The newest town member. Oh how fun it seemed just to see how angry he could **really** be, and it would be, Tick's, fault.

"Excuse me, which one of you is Sweetie Bell?"

Speak of the devil…

O.o.O.o.O

 **A/N:**

 **Nothing much to say here really. I plan on answering reviews** _ **next**_ **chapter due to the 50** **th** **Review being posted!**

 **Seriously, y'all have done so much, and I thank you because of it.**

**SO REVIEW! LEAVE A FAV/FOLLOW AND REVIEW!**

 **KEEP IN DERPING!**

 **Thanks to DragonLord Ryukizoku and Blazing Winds for editing an sharing laughs making the chapters**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 _Alright, so for me to be at Town Hall… I would have to go… Straight. Why do ponies even need a school anyways? They're po- Imma stop before I get a potential headache._

I pocketed Rarity's little map and walked forward, taking careful measures to not fuck up my foot during this delicate time. Already did climbing up the hill to Rarity's after a nice chat with Derpy and Fluffle Puff. Didn't plan on doing that twice.

The map said, which was basically just a bunch of old english like scribbles, The, 'roads", should twist and turn once I was free of the main section of Ponyville, eventually, they should lead me to the portion of where all the ponies lived.

Thankfully that portion was correct and I was soon met with more houses than I could count. And to be safe, quite honestly, the houses looked no different than the ones back home, cluttered together like people in cages. Wherever home may be right now. So me being me, I let my eyes drift from house to house, noticing the key differences in them.

Here's a cool little story, inside of another cool story for you. My dad, actually, once told me that a buyer, looks for a house that resembles their personality and or origin. Now, before you you roll your eyes and scoff at how retarded this sounds, say I was… Old fashioned. Which I am, then me, being a buyer, would look for the house that is brick, or holds a nice dull color.

Now, it could be true back home, but then again, I doubt anybody is actually looking for a house that says, "HEY! I GOT A SHIT TON OF MONEY!".

No, most people just buy a house to hold their family and themselves in so they can live longer. It's harsh, but true.

Here however, my dad would stand correct. And if I had to guess, the ponies actually _did_ buy houses based on their personality, origin, and color. How do I know this?

Well take it into consideration, that a blue and grey house stood out from the rest due to it being, 'Old Fashioned' somewhat. In front of it, was a unicorn using his magic to water his plants. He had blue fur and grey hair.

See the similarities?

In respect, the guy saw me staring at him, and I think he didn't appreciate it. So from that point, I did my personal best not to glance at the ones who had taken notice of me, but it was quite hard when I had strolled in, fuming smoke everywhere.

For the times I _did_ glance about, I took in different ponies I had, and hadn't seen before. For example, I saw that Purple Sunglassed DJ pony. Yes, again, she was bobbing her head to what I assumed was an imaginary beat. But with the evidence of headphones, I had to debunk that theory and move on.

I found out, that a few of them waved at me, actually taking their time to stop watering their garden… Which was super fucking weird to see, and smile. Some of the older mares, and stallions bidded me a good morning as I passed by. The strange similarities of seeing the older generation rocking back and forth in chairs caused a small shiver go up my spine.

I would be lying to you if I said I didn't wave back. WHICH I DID. Don't judge… Bastards…

Regardless of this however, I actually relaxed somewhat, and eased off clamping my ass down. And I hate to say it, but if this continues, you know; all the goddamn niceness, I might actually think about staying here.

Now that I think about it, I might have to kill myself before that. BAD TICK.

Agreeably, there's something about this place that doesn't seem right, but at the same time, it feels to good to be true. It's too cheerful, colorful, and reminded me of a cartoon. Equestria needed some… Action. Like an explosion, or some type of sinister entity.

As I gained an evil grin, I realized it was best not to get too ahead of ourselves. Right now, I was enjoying somewhat, the peaceful stroll given to me.

"Hey, Tick!"

Keyword being, 'was'.

"Ah, Miss Dash," I said turning, "I was just thinking about you."

Rainbow Dash flared her wings as she landed, the dust from the grounded rising and falling as though she did a superhero landing,

"Were ya' thinkin about how awesome I am?"

Blinking, I took out my cigarette and flicked the butt towards her, "No. Have you ever thought about how big your fucking head is?"

"Not really."

"Which is exactly why," I pointed, "You don't care."

Dash snickered, "Was there a meaning to that?"

I nodded, "Indeed. To prod you, my dear, and see what your limitations are."

She chortled, "Well it'll take more than that to rile me up."

I sniffed, "Uh-huh. Says the one who gets her britches in a knot because of her new nickname."

Dash held her hooves out, "Because it isn't my name!"

"Pfft, it is now." I answered while going back to the map, "Now do me a flavor and Dash away Rainbow. Don't want to taste any of your shit at the moment."

Dash scrambled into the air and sped in front of me,

"Well, wait a minute, where the buck do you think _you're_ going?"

I scoffed, "Oh my god, TAKE A HIKE, SKITTLES. Fucking... Can I not do something without someone breathing down my neck?"

Skittles shook her head, "I've been given orders from Twilight to watch you."

I deadpanned instantly, "Damn. She said that?"

"Not the exact words she used, It was more like…" Dash licked her muzzle, "Rainbow, make sure Tick doesn't scare anypony, go off anywhere he isn't supposed to, and if he does, bring him back here."

"So you were supposed to be spying on me?"

Dash shrugged, "Spying, Watching, Observing…"

I took a step back, "Observing? Skittles, if you want to see me up close, all you need to do is ask."

"I'm fine with watching from up there, thank you very much."

I shrugged my way past her, "Your loss. And speaking of such, get lost."

Dash sucked in through her teeth, following behind me, "Oooooo… Yeah sorry. Can't. Twilight promised me her share of Cider this year."

While walking, I let out a throaty sigh and covered my face, "Celestia told me not to fuck anything up… She told me to be nice…"

Rainbow Dash snickered, "Sounds like you're in a pickle, bud."

"Call me bud again, and I'll plant you in the ground to watch you grow, fucker."

O.o.O.o.O

To make _my_ not so long story, even longer, I will start off with saying that the walk of peace ended very quickly. As if it weren't already obvious... Rainbow Dash had followed me, EVERYWHERE I went. And now, it was starting to drive me a little insane.

She and I at first walked in silence, making the trip go smoothly and sent us from the Ponyville Neighborhood in record time. Then, as we had begun into a less crowded area, Dash decided to start telling stories… _again_.

Well that started the heated debate of whether or not the stories were really necessary. I lost the battle with a hoof upside my head, and losing three cigarettes in three minutes. If we had gotten off on the right foot, maybe I could've beared to listen to her.

Wait, yeah fuck that. She boasts, an ungodly amount of bullshit. And to call her out on it, receives an earful, plus a brain attack. So, with that in mind, I listened to her _,_ right up until I could see the schoolhouse. And during such, I went through six more cigarettes listening, and talking to her.

"Hey, Tick, ya listening?"

"No."

"Yeah, anyways, See, after I busted in…"

It went like that most of the time I didn't pay attention for too long. It was either that, or have a rock chucked at my head. Oh did you know that rocks are really hard? Yes? Great, just checking. It's not every day you find out that said object bounces off your head and it sounds like your name.

But if I have to listen to her for two minutes longer, I will take whatever Celestia, Twilight and Rarity can throw at me...

"Oh… My Celestia! Is that _the_ Rainbow Dash?!"

I was beginning to wonder when this cruelty would end. Thank you _dear_ god!

Wait. Does this fucker know… Oh no. Not fans, nononononononono, SO MUCH NOPE.

It was a mare, obviously a pegasus too, judging from the wings. And quite a large mare at that. Don't get me wrong you sadistic assholes, if I compared the mare speaking, to others, she would at least tower two heads taller than them.

Well enough about her height, this tall drink of h2-uh-oh, had azura colored eyes which were surprisingly brighter than Pinkie's. Her coat, so to speak, was that of the god awful color, Yellow. To match with the Piss colored coat, she had green hair. Mane. Whatever. There was of course, streaks of orange within it, but who cares at this moment.

Dash took this chance to stroke her ego, "The one and only!"

The mare gasped, "Oh my goodness, never would I think to see the day! You single hoofedly-"

I raised my hand and wiggled my fingers, "Yeah. S-T-F-U please?" Smiling, I pointed behind me, "Before you two start, Me? I'm going over there."

I twirled around and started to plant my foot down, but of course, the mare had to ask a question that stopped me right in my tracks.

"What are you?"

Resist. The. Urge. To punch Bitch. In throat,

"I think the better question, is who. Not what."

She raised a brow, "Alright then, Who are you?"

With a quick exhale of breath, I flared my hand and smirked, "I!? Am Tick. Your local resident human. Forcefully brought here by Rainbow Dash and tortured by her friends."

She blinked, "Oh my…"

Dash giggled nervously, "He's joking, I assure you."

The mare smiled after a moment of deciphering the news, "Ah. A joke. Right. Uh… Well, my name is Hilder Glow."

I am really getting sick of the names these ponies come up with. What fucking sane parent names their child, Hilder Glow?

 _Let's name it Forest Foot honey!_

 _No, no. I got it. Fucking Hilder Glow._

Hence, why a nickname is way cooler.

"You _obviously_ know me, Rainbow Dash! Fastest flier in Equestria!"

I rolled that in my head for a moments pause, counting her saying that three times now? Yeah, that caused me to cringe. Oh, but Glow lapped it up like cat on milk,

"I know! My friends all said that you were the one who saved The Element of Generosity from death once!"

Dash flipped her mane, "Yep."

Glow fangasm'd, "AND PERFORMED THE SONIC RAINBOOM AT THE SAME TIME!"

Dash laughed, "Yeah that too."

Glow leaned in with a gasp, "Oh my gosh… Do you think you could do it again?!"

Dash stopped mid-boast and stood rigid.

Aww. Can't Dash do it? Seems simple. As I smirked in victory from her not being able to do the… Sonic Rainboom or whatever, Dash zipped to Glow's side and rubbed her hoof against her chest,

"Yeah, but not here. Not to many ponies can really handle it too well, so I normally practice over there," she said with a jerk of her head.

Glow jumped up and down, the spark in her eyes matching that of her excitement,

"Well let's go! Oh wait until my friends hear about this…"

So… I'm definitely not following them, and now, Dash isn't following me. I did a small gasp and rubbed my hands together mischievously, then this means I got dirt on Dashy there... So I waited until they were almost out earshot before I shouted,

"ÓI, SKITTLES!"

Dash stopped momentarily to look behind her. She gave me a nod for me to continue,

"AIN'T YA SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHIN ME?" Heh, the look on her face was absolutely priceless.

Dash's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and she shot up into the air, speeding over faster than I could've blinked. When I did see her finally, she was out of breath and her rose colored eyes were wide with seriousness,

"Tick, don't. Tell. Twilight."

I smirked, "Or what? If you want to go doing sonic farts with Hilden Gerth over there, be my guest. I have a job to do, you did too. But…" I rolled my head, "Apparently, being famous is better than watchin lil' ol' me."

Dash blinked, "Don't tell Twilight and I'll stop messing with you."

I said without hesitation, "Oh my god, Done."

Blasting off again, Dash made her way back to Glow, and the two of them disappeared after Glow asked what had happened.

So, finally. A break… I rubbed my face and exhaled deeply, resting my hands on hips to stare at the schoolhouse.

Ms. Cheeril- Eh… God…

Ms. Cheerilee's Schoolhouse. A complex name, but, a rather intriguing and simple school. The obvious thing though, was that it was meant for youth. I could easily tell from the drawings and playground around the place.

Man… I miss the playground.

The good thing about me being here, was that I was early. Rarity said that school let out around afternoon, however, I couldn't tell what time it was because I broke my watch, and phone was dead. So all I needed to do now was wait. Luckily for me, I had a nice shady spot to sit down, and wait for the bell to ri-

"And with that, Have a good weekend class. Dismissed!" A female voice said, following that with a shrill sound of the bell.

Just as I was about to plant my ass down too… I was midway from the air to the trunk, so I stood back up and dusted myself off.

The small ponies learning from this establishment piled out of the school like clowns from clown cars, and admittedly, was pretty funny to watch as they waddled out on their peg leg like feet. They came in all different shapes and sizes too, be that of tall, lanky, plump, or small.

And because of how fast they were popping out, I didn't get to sit down, but I was able to lean on the tree. All I had to do was find a little filly that looked like a smaller… Weirder version of Rarity. I thought I had found her a few times, but turns out that they weren't. Their names were like… Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

So again,

 _Let's name her… Diamond Tiara honey!_

Equestrian Logic…

"How 'bout your place then? Mah sis is cleaning today. Can't do it there." Wait… I've seen that filly before. What was her name… Appletart? No...

Uh-oh, who's this?

"What?! Applejack is doing that TODAY? Man…" A filly with a purple mane sighed, "Well if Sweetie Bell would hurry up, maybe her sister could let us sleep over."

So these are the ones Rarity spoke of. Huh. Rowdy bunch. The one with the country accent… Now announced as Applejacks sister, had a butterscotch colored coat, and red mane. The other one reminded me of someone… Oh good lord who was it… Anyway, she had a strange tan and orange coat with purple hair. Weird combination if you ask me, But you didn't. So, hah.

I watched as the last student came from the school, she hopped from the steps and joined the group that had started walking my way.

I didn't pay much attention to what their talk was consisted of, but I got the gist of it, and realized that this was who Rarity wanted me to pick up.

As the one with the purple hair punched her friend in the shoulder, I moved from the tree to stand in front of them. The last thing I wanted to come off as, was a creepy sumbitch, so I tried to make myself as nonthreatening as possible.

They took note of me rather quickly, and I found out that I had a lump in my throat when they shifted their gazes,

"Excuse me, which one of you is Sweetie Bell?" I got that out after looking at the three of them for a minute. Creepiness factor just got raised up by two points…

Surprisingly however, and I do mean that, the named filly raised her hoof slowly,

"I'm Sweetie Belle."

Ah. I raised a brow at the young one.

Out of all the ponies, fillies, colts and alicorns, Sweetie Belle had a color pallette that wasn't all about gouging my goddamn eyes out. Rather than butterscotch, or tan, she had an almost ash color to her fur, combined with a partway of Pink and Purple hair,

"Hi… Sweetie Belle. I'm Tick. You're sister asked me to swing by and pick you up."

Sweetie raised a brow of her own, "Why not do it herself?"

I shrugged, "I asked her the same thing."

"And?"

I frowned deeply, "She batted her eyelashes and said Please."

All girls giggled, which, quite frankly, made me chuckle a little myself,

"Oh y'all think that's funny do you?"

Sweetie was the one to nod, "Of course! Rarity always has a way with ponies."

Ponies? Huh, these three probably don't know, or don't care about what I am. Anyways, Yeah. Must be from her reserved fuel of bitchiness, "Quite, Sweetie Belle, amongst her threats, yes she does."

Applejack!s sister smiled and waved after I stood from kneeling,

"Well it's mighty nice ta meet ya Tick! Mah names Applebloom!"

"I'm Scootaloo!"

I waved, "Nice to meet you both."

Sweetie smiled, nodding another greeting as I let my eyes fall on her, but cocked her head after a second,

"Where are you from, Tick? I don't think I've seen you around here before."

This is becoming an increasingly stressful question, so I smirked and pointed to the mountain behind me,

"I come from wwwwaaaaaayyyy over there."

Scootaloo gasped, "You mean Canterlot!?"

I shook my head, "Way further than that actually."

The three balls of cute took a moment to think of how far that would be, and gave up after coming up with nothing.

"Regardless girls, It was a pleasure meeting you. But I need to make sure Rarity keeps her end of our bargain, so…"

Both Applebloom and friend looked at the only unicorn in the bunch. Sweetie scratched the back of her head, "Well Tick… We are in a small conundrum…"

Scootaloo perked, "What's that mean?"

I payed her no mind and tilted my head, "What kind of conundrum?"

"Well. We planned on having a sleepover at Apple Bloom's place, and we all wanted to go. But now because of her sister, we can't."

I scratched my chin, "What about Scootaloo's place?"

Said filly shrugged, "My mom and dad haven't been back in a while. Uncle has been taking care of me and well… he doesn't take well to ponies in the house."

Sweetie sighed, "So the only choice left is my sisters'."

I chuckled, "What does this have to do with me?"

All three squined towards me, Scootaloo being the one to say, "You gotta convince her to let us sleepover."

I knew there was a catch, I knew it, yet didn't give a fuck towards it,

"Seriously though, why can't you do it?" I said throwing a hand out toward the filly in question,

"Do you know what hardship and pain, I had to endure coming all the way over here just to get someone else's SISTER?" I asked planting a hand on my chest.

Sweetie was the one to nonchalantly shrug,

"I wanted to ask her, but it seems she deems working more fit, than listening to me. See, the Grand Galloping Gala is coming up-"

I raised a hand, "The… What now?"

Applebloom snickered, "The Grand Galloping Gala. Its some fancy schmancy event famous ponies go to."

The three fillies all said at different intervals,

"Like Rarity."

"And Applejack."

"And of course Rainbow Dash!"

I had to hold in a burst of laughter by biting my finger, but let them continue,

"And their friends too! Rarity has to make alotta dresses, so she doesn't have that much time and patience."

Explains a lot,

"So you want me."

All nodded as I continued,

"To speak with a pony…"

They grew closer,

"That hates me as much as I hate her?"

Sweetie shrugged and went back to normal,

"I mean, she wants you to pick me up. So she trusts you somewhat…"

I smiled, "Somewhat being the keyword. First day being around her and she threatened my life, dearest Sweetie. So I tell _you_ what." I said as I pulled out my stress relievers,

"How about a bargain?"

Applebloom clopped her hooves together, "Ooooo, ah like this. Whaddya propose?" And judging from how the group nodded their agreements, I could continue,

"I'll ask Rarity if you three can sleepover. Whatever good that would do... BUT. I want you to…" I juggled my offer around, "Mess with some ponies."

Scootaloo giggled, "He wants us to play pranks on 'em."

I clicked my tongue, "Precisely. But, not pranks, per-say, on everyone. Just… One Pony."

"Who?"

I said in all seriousness,

"Twilight."

Scootaloo scratched her head, "What? Why her?"

"Several reasons. But too complicated to tell you in time for Sweetie Belle to get home. All I would need for you three to do, is… Spy. On her. It's a prank," I said with a smile, "But a sneaky one."

Applebloom considered the following, her auburn eyes crossing with concentration,

"So… If you persuade Ms. Rarity to let us sleep over, we spy on Twilight?"

I shrugged, "You can be like, little professional spies or something." See how smart I was? Oh how I love twiddling people around my fingers. Bargains are something I live for, and whenever someone actually agrees to them? I always win.

Anyways, the main point in telling you this, is that I'm not someone you want to get in an argument with. Hm… Badass points have risen about three.

Scootaloo gasped, "MAYBE WE CAN EARN A SPY CUTIE MARK!"

I'm sorry, a what no-

"You really think so?"

"Totally."

I watched in a stunned moment as all three of them giggled and grouped together,

"CUTIE MARK SPY CRUSADERS!"

I felt the cigarette fall out of my mouth as the three kiddos barreled past me, my mind actually trying to comprehend what had just happened.

 _Did they just say Cutie Mark?_

 _EQUESTRAIN LOGI-_

O.o.O.o.O

"No, I don't have any super powers."

"OH! CAN YA FLY?!"

"No, I wish I could though."

"Can you disappear?"

I raised a brow, "When I'm dead, sure."

All girls groaned and went back to square one, "So he isn't a superpony…"

"I'm not a pony…" I muttered under my breath, "Never have been, and never will be."

"Aww… But it's so much fun!"

I sighed in defiance, but played it cool as a new voice cut through the air. Literally the only voice that had an exclamation point at the end of her sentences, Pinkie 3.14…

"Look! You can do so many cool things as a Pony, Tick!" Ms. 3.14 emphasized her point by motioning several things with her hooves,

"Like dancing, singing, yodeling, Party throwing…"

I raised a hand, "Do you actually, 'throw', parties?"

Pinkie tapped her muzzle, "No, not after that one time with that griffon." She giggled, "Griffons are born in air, but don't like their parties airborne."

Sighing, I rubbed my face, "Fucking… Puns… Too good for my brain…"

"Well I love puns! They're punny!"

All girls and even I groaned, "Pinkie…"

"Well anyways, where've ya been Ticky?"

Disregarding my nickname's nickname, I shrugged, "Here and there, Twilight gave me a room in her treehouse and that's where I slept yesterday night."

"Oooooh. Cool! So you were able to see Rarity then?"

Nodding, I pulled a cigarette out, "Yes, by now, she _should_ have my attire ready. But for the time that was spared for us, she and I got pur boundaries set…" Smirking, I chuckled, "She hates me now, which is cool."

Pinkie deflated a little, "Aw… Tick, you have to make friends somehow!"

I raised my hands on self defense, "Hey woah now, watch it with the, "F", word Pinkie.

"But you don't have anypony to have fun with!"

I gasped, "PINKIE! You said another, "F", word!"

Pinkie giggled, "But it's for good reason! Tick, you gotta at least settle in while you're here!"

I blurghed,

"Blurgh.."

Scootaloo flapped her little wings, failing in lifting off the ground, but actually buzzed her way over to where I was,

"Hey, at least she didn't start singing."

I blinked, "Wait. When you guys get emotional, you fucking sing?"

When Scootaloo nodded, I felt my stomach drop a few times in realization of a Ponyville Musical being possible. It wasn't just scary, it was legitimately horrifying.

Pinkie suddenly appeared in front of me,

"Yep! If you're a pony, you can sing with us!"

I flicked her on the nose, "But I'm not. So I'm not going to sing." I expanded my hands, "How's that for a mindfuck?"

Pinkie tilted her head.. like a fucking cat. "Do you not know how to sing?" She asked me sincerely.

I inhaled sharply, "No, I do. But me singing, has the tendency of people going deaf."

The 3.14 mare giggled. "You can't be _that_ bad. Besides, all that matters is that you have fun!"

I hissed, "STAHP! We are near children! Cursing takes you nowhere Pinkie."

Pinkie suddenly blinked and you could almost see the gears turning in her mind as she tried to figure something out.

With quick sweeps, I gathered the three balls of fur,

"Quick, while Pinkie is still thinking!"

No other words were spared as we all surely made our way away from Pinkie Pie. The end result, was me gasping for air, doubling over for precious oxygen.

"Say Tick," Asked Scootaloo, who cocked her head to the side, "Since you know Twilight and Rarity, you gotta know Rainbow Dash right?"

I pointed at Scootaloo, "Do NOT, speak of her. _**EVER**_ **.** " I coughed, dusting myself off,

"I regrettably _do_ , know her. And for the boasting, egotistical rainbolic sonofa bi-...cycle… she is, I wish I didn't know her."

"How could you say that? You've only known her for a while right?"

I nodded, "Yep."

Scootaloo argued as we walked, "Then how can you dislike her in such a short time?"

Smiling, I leaned down, "See, Scoots, My mom always said, that if someone disrespects you at first greet, you treat them like sh-...oes… until otherwise."

All three looked thoughtful for the moment,

"Is there anypony you don't dislike?"

Scratching my chin, I let out a, 'hm',

"Well, there's Der-"

I never really got to finish that sentence. Something had caused almost everyone, and pony to stop and stare, mouths open agape in confusion and shock. Why, might you ask? And thank you _for_ doing so.

See, As I was spitting out the rest of my words, and actually going onto a topic that I would be cringing about for a while, a loud, **CRACK,** resounded the area,

That was what grabbed everyone's attention, heads and eyes shifted to the sound, and jjuuuusstt barely, just barely, you could see a pure circle of what I had to assume was a fucking rainbow.

But guess who was behind it though, Rainbow Dash. It's in the name, and seconds too late, I finally figure out why they call her that. Grudgingly, I would've never guessed for her to actually break the damn sound barrier. Equestrian Logic later, and it happens right before my ears… Which are still fucking ringing by the way...

Now, Immediately, I would've lost interest, because it was Dash's handiwork, no brainer. But, something was wrong. Really wrong, if I had to say it, I would put it as Dead Wrong. Because after the light show of ROYGBIV, another _**CRACK,**_ split open the silent walkways.

Murmured gasps spread through the crowd like wildfire, and we all watched as the Pegasus veered off course, her form actually seeming to be limp. Scootaloo took it harder than most and took to my back, her eyes betraying her concern,

"C'mon Dash… PULL UP!"

I watched with a hand cupped on my forehead, seeing that her shape had started flipping, the rainbow trail following her wake. And in truth, she never pulled up, eventually bouncing off of the ground, sliding over to the middle of the crowd.

So yeah, instead of a light show after the second crack, and all the oo's and ah's that would ensue, there was instead a mangled mess of cyan fur and pegasus feathers littering the gravel.

How did it go again… Hold on… Oh yeah,

"Ermagerd, She's fallen and can't get up."

O.o.O.o.O

 **A/N**

 **SHHHH. SHHHHHHHHHHH!**

 **DON'T GET PISSED, MAD, NOR EVEN DARE START FLIPPING TABLES.**

 **That's my job.**

 **Not only have I fucked up, (my own way of berating myself),**

 **But I have set this back so damn late, that it's been like what… 2 weeks since n update?**

 **Blame it on life.**

 _ **Blaze: Also, you can blame me a little. I've been keeping Derp busy accidentally.**_

 **Derp: Pfft. I've been busy trying to freaking comprehend how y'all still review like this! BLAZE! POP THE FOKIN CONFETTIII**

 _ **Blaze: *Throws confetti. Everywhere***_

 **Derp: 50+ REVIEWS PEOPLE! well technically ponies… REGARDLESS, ERMAGERD**

 _ **Blaze: Ponehs!**_

 **Derp: *inhales* NOWONTOREVIEWS**

 _ **Blaze: Let's move on to reviews now. It's about time.**_

 _ **Reviews!**_

 _ **Blaze: To WickedHex.. Nice name btw.**_

 _ **Yes. Trollestia does rule. And as does everything else.**_

 **Derp: To WickedHex.. Trollestia does rule. But some ponies don't know that…**

 **=-= it's quite sad actually. The trolls aren't announcED UNTIL TOO LAAATTTEEEE!**

 _ **Blaze: To Chaddmychal.. Ehh. Idk. Maybe? I'm not the main writer. I mostly just edit.**_

 **Derp: To Chaddmychal I'm actually glad you asked that. And here is the answer!**

 **Would it be MLP without Luna and Cadence? I think not!**

 **So… Yeah. I think so.**

 _ **Blaze: To Chroma The Harvester..**_

 _ **Yes. They do.**_

 **Derp: To Chroma The Harvester..**

 **His adventures won't end so early, I assure you.**

 _ **Blaze: And to ShiningShadow1965..**_

 _ **I don't know what exactly to make of what you said about getting deeper by Derpy.. but he is picking up Sweetie Belle. Yeh.**_

 _ **Don't take that offensively. It's 2:38 AM.**_

 **Derp: To ShiningShadow1965..**

 **Yeah, its almost time for me to go to the Salty Spitoon. I gotta at LEAST have my bowl of nails for breakfast. Without any mi-**

 **Anyway, thanks for reviewing! I thank ya for wantin mere! DONT FORGET TO REVIEW AGAIN.**

 _ **Blaze: To Kevin Lapse.. well… I feel your pain.**_

 **D** _ **e**_ **rp: To Kevin Lapse.. Same fam. Same.**

 _ **Blaze: To Yellow Guy.. Nice milestone!**_

 _ **Hope you keep enjoying the story.**_

 **Derp: To Yellow Guy.. *launches cookie* HERE IS COOKIE FOR EFFORT. Thanks for reviewing, and of course, sticking with the story!**

 _ **Blaze: To HunterHero179.. I understand. I think he's a little more likeable than usual in this chapter though.**_

 _ **Also, what the heck is Backejcjeiwockfjri**_

 _ **Sorry. I gave up on typing it.**_

 **Derp: To HunterHero179..**

 ***GASP* HUNTER. LE LANGUAGE EST MAL! STAP!**

 **Don't forget to hate Tick in this chapter by the by. (And review. Don't forget to review)**

 **SSSSOOOOO. Now that Reviews are done… I do believe a sign off is in order….**

 **Frick, how do we do this… Throw a rock? Create a distraction?**

 _ **BLACK HOLE!**_

 _ ***Disappears***_

 **Fuck. Stole my idea… So Before I go,**

 **DONTFORGETTOREVIEWANDFOLLOW**

 **SSEEEE YAAAAA**

 ***jumps in black hole***

 **Keep on Derping!**

Thanks to Blazing Winds and DragonLord RyuKizoku for laughter and the constant spamming of memes.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"I'm not going to ask you again, sir. NO. SMOKING."

I blinked, "I'm not the one smoking, dear. You are." I gestured to her ears, "Seen quite clearly from what's coming from that precious little head of yours."

Her name was Redheart. I knew this, because I figured out quite quickly, that you don't mess with a pony who works double shifts, and overtimes like hell. She is now second hated on my list. Until further notice that is...

"Tick, stop antagonizing the staff."

I groaned pitifully from my recent spot on the floor and sat up, my mind not wanting to recollect on what had just happened, "Ah… Twilight, nice to finally see you… Gah, Please… Tell me you saw what she did?" I glanced towards Twilight to see if she would submit to my gaze, BUT ALAS, it was to no avail,

"No. All I saw was you pestering the nurse, and then you were on the floor."

I shot my hands out, "Because she decked me in my stomach! And she kept telling me to put out a fresh cigarette. Seriously, this is a hospital! They are supposed to be _helping._ Nurses don't do shit like this back home."

Twilight smirked all knowingly, "Well maybe it's because this isn't home. Ever thought about that?"

You… Butcher of dreams… I opened my mouth, and closed it just as quickly, settling on tapping my chin,

"Actually, no I havent… say Twi-"

She deadpanned, "You ask me a dumb question, imma give you a dumb answer."

"Right. I'll just… Lie back down."

Twilight nodded, "Good boy. Stay put, I have to go see if anypony needs anything."

When she had walked away, I muttered obstinately, " Thanks alot…"

Alright. Let's get you caught up. Big crash, a one liner that probably would make me cringe later on, and then?

If you guessed the all natural, "You took her to the hospital, Tick. Good Job?"

Then, No, I didn't. It was actually Applejack, who had just so happened to have been selling apples around the corner. I had walked away with the three fillies in time as a crowd started to gather. Wasn't my fault, so I didn't want no part in it.

But the damn fillies wanted to make sure Dash was okay. Imagine my shock when she wasn't. (There wasn't any actually.)

About three hours later, I was stormed over to this despicable place. It included one hurried session of panic, Nurse Redheart punching me _**with her hoof,**_ and then of course the accusations we passed around...

So let's just say, shit had gotten real.

 **Earlier**

"Really don't see why you needed to bring me along." I said, my face contorting into a frown.

Several of the girls sighed, Rarity being the one to point out,

"Darling, you have been standing there arguing with us for over five minutes. Now, you can wait outside, alone, isolated and all, _or_ -"

I finished her statement, "Or I can go in there and deal with looking at broken bodies. I'm good. Y'all go ahead."

Twilight rubbed her forehead, "Tick, please?"

"Saying please gets you ice cream and cookies. But it ain't gonna get me in there." I pointed accusingly.

This is the crap I had to deal with. All the chit chat, Twilight hanging my escape in front of me like a fucking weight trainer, and then of course all five wondering if I made Dash fuck up or not.

So yeah, Fluttershy and Applejack looked out of it, the former moreover on the worried side for Dash, and the latter probably tired from the bickering,

"Twi, can't ya just pick 'em up with yer magic?"

I stared at Twilight in wide eyed shock, "Oh Hell-to-the no! Don't you even dare."

Twilight frowned, "Tick, we need you to come inside with us. We're keeping an eye on you, and we can't do so when you're by yourself and away from us."

I scoffed, "That's a fine and dandy explanation bu-"

My dramatic remark was cut off by the sudden tug of a strange force, As though there were a thin string around my waist. Familiar in a sense to remind me of the incident back when Twilight fucked the spell up. It didn't take me much to figure out what the cause of it was either. The culprit was in front of me with a strained expression plastered on her muzzle, and her horn glowing furiously.

Weird… it felt like I was to be rocketed forward, but at the same time, I felt compelled to stay where I was. Maybe Twilight wasn't that strong to pull me? But then again, how did she cast a master spell? The thin string tugged and tugged, pulling my button-up to and fro, but I didn't move where Twilight wanted me to go.

See what I did with that rhyme? Means I had a lot of time-

Fuck.

"Um… Aren't I supposed to be forced against my will somewhere?"

Twilight's horn winked out, cutting the string from my waist,

"Wh-... Yes… You were… But how… Aren't you?" She said breathlessly.

Blinking, I looked at her confused form, "Would you believe me if I told you it was because I'm fat?"

"Let's just get inside. We have more important things to worry about than this." Applejack finally said, tipping her stetson up so that she could wipe her brow,

"Ah wanna at least get inside before that sun sets."

Oh… Well the sun _was_ going down… Bah, fuck it.

I agreed, "She has the right idea, tally ho~!"

"But you ju-"

I waved a finger towards the bumbling Twilight,

"Ah, ah! That was the past, such now is the present young Sparkle. Now, FORWARD!"

Twilight looked at her friends in exasperation, "I seriously can't believe him."

She received shrugs, Pinkie being the one to smile, "Well he's a mystery, that's for sure!"

And then everyone started wondering where the hell Pinkie came from.

O.o.O.o.O

Okay, suck it up, you're just in here until Rainbow is alright… Which could take a while… Damn it..

I hated hospitals. Dreaded them... despised them. They are meant to help and save lives, yes. But from what I work, anyone who steps into a hospital, doesn't normally walk out. And then I'm the one who's called in to write the bill…

It was hard, trying to cover up my anxiety, for it showed in everything I did. I on purposely avoided contact with the profound gazes of the staff, and admitedly, jumped when someone called to me,

"Tick?"

I cleared my throat and smoothed my ruffled self. It was definitely not one of Twilight and Pals, and there was only two regal voices that I now know of,

"Celestia, surprise seeing you here."

I turned slightly to see the white alicorn trotting towards me, her pace was slow, and albeit very calm,

"Hardly. It's only been a day since we last saw and already something has gone wrong."

I said with a shrug, "Karma deems to fit whoever it likes, Celestia. And Dash had a _whole_ ton of it."

Celestia stood by me and beckoned us forward, "Well let's go see her then, shall we?"

I fidgeted quickly as several strands of her wavy hair poked and prodded me, "You make it quite impossible to say no."

"I try."

Celestia persisted with the motion of her wingspan, taking me deeper into the open jaws of the hospital, eventually leading us to a small room. The wooden door bore a golden number being that of, Room Seventy-One.

Outside, put into the wall, was a clipboard holder. It was actually just there for the doctors and nurses to see what was wrong with a patient. So as Celesta took the time to open the door to Dash's gra- I mean room, I decided to see what was wrong with her.

What? I can be a concerned fuckwatt when I want to. But when I flipped the autopsy chart over, my mind began questioning the laws of how she could survive with both her wings broken, one of her fetlock thingies shattered, and a gash on the side of her face.

I set the clipboard back inside and stepped into the cleaner, open room. I had to prepare myself mentally to see something absolutely horrifying, but what I was greeted with had actually stunned me more so.

She had no injuries. None. It looked like Dash had just said, 'Fuck it,' and slept inside the hospital. She was peaceful, looked rather relaxed, and the only sign that she had indeed gotten fucked up, was a little rainbow band-aid for her damn owie boo-boo instated upon her foreleg.

Honestly, it looked like she was mooching off the staff for a bed and free food. But I saw her before this. There is _no_ way she healed up that fast in… Two hours. Although, she was sped off here pretty damn quick. And from what Twilight has told me, (and an oddly Skyrm like deja vu), these doctors have state of the art Healing Spells.

Jesus that is weird to say… But cool to actually see at the same time. So maybe they used that on her?

The room Dash was in was your average caretaking. The walls held that all natural, get better soon (or die) wallpaper. The bed was hooked up to different bags of god knows what, following up with a window that allowed one to peer outside. Most likely for the patient, but it was nice.

Next to Dash was a tabletop already having a flower placed atop of the surface, at the bottom of it was a book. The cover reminded me of Indiana Jones actually.

Anyways, I quickly found myself seated, my fingers then began to twiddle themselves idly as Celestia paced about the room. It was obvious after about a few minutes of listening to that damnable beeping, that the (probably) most powerful being was worried about something.

I didnt want to ask, for the fear of being told, 'IT WAS YEEEEWWWWW!'. It was suspicious enough knowing that I promised this alicorn something and already I messed _that_ up.

But if she continued walking back and forth, my fear was that she was going to make a fucking crater in the tile.

So I decided to care for once, which surprised me more than it did Celestia when I figured out a new nickname for her,

"You alright there Celly?"

I had a grin that made the white goddess grow red with what I hoped was anger,

"I would ask you refrain from unbecoming my namesake, Tick. And yes, I am fine." She shifted her gaze towards the bed ridden pegasus,

"I am more worried about Rainbow Dash and her friends, however."

I snorted, "Yeah, I would be too. Considering that this one just ate more dirt in a single moment than worms do in a day."

Celestia smiled, "Hm. Your humour takes the mind off of things, albeit small."

I answered with a small grunt. Not that I didn't want to talk, but moreover on that no words needed to be spared. (That, and it was awkward as hell seeing that Celestia all had that damn red on her muzzle…)

"Now, Tick." Celestia forsought after a few seconds of the peaceful silence,

"I don't know entirely what happened with Rainbow Dash. In her haste, Twilight had… Scribbled, and I only got half a story."

As she continued, I looked at the bedridden asshole,

"You were there when it happened. You might've seen, or done this, so I want to know what and or who caused it."

Breathing in slowly, I shrugged,

"My guess, is that she messed up with one of her tricks."

"A guess?"

I nodded, "Yeah. A guess that doesn't have a correct answer."

"How so?"

I worked my jaw, "Celestia, you ever get that feeling like you have been toyed with?"

She nodded, allowing me to continue,

"Well I think…" I said with my eyebrows raised, "That, like Paul Walker, someone made Dash here fuck up."

Celestia tilted her head, "And what caused such a hypothesis?"

"Twilight told me about her friends yesterday." I started, working on my nails, "And during that, she went on an on about their feats, and how they, saved this kingdom more than once, on occasion."

I smiled evilly as Celestia sighed with acceptance. Score one for being right,

"She told me, that Dash here, saved Rarity from dying."

Celestia leaned forward, "Yes, she did. It was during a competitive fliers competition. It proved her loyalty to her friends and showed her how to have courage. What of it?"

"Well, two things occurred today, One being the possible fact that Dash could have done this more than once, why fuck it up now? Two… maybe a few minutes before Dash took an almost literal dirt nap, A… Fan, came up to us and fan-orgied her into doing the stunt... sonic rainboom or whatever."

(Which is kinda impossible by the way. I mean come on. A fucking rainbow made from a sonic boom? The day I see that is the day I eat my shirt.)

"Plus theres that, and of course the unmistakeable notion of someone's eyes fucking melded in my gorgeous head."

Celestia shook her muzzle, "A humourus, and a flatterer on his own terms. You never cease to surprise me."

I nodded, "Your world never ceases to surprise _me_. All of this?" I said gesturing to the entirety of the room,

"Is fictional in my world. Well…" I scratched my head, "I at one time thought that Unicorns were real… But besides that."

Celestia questioned, "Tick, let's say for a minute that this _was_ Rainbow Dash's fault."

I pursed my lips, hearing not to far away the yakkity yak of Twilight and pals,

"Then she isn't as badass as she appears to be."

"But you're implying… That this fan might've done it?"

I took a moment to consider my answer, "I'm not implying anything. I'm just mildly concerned on where the fuck her fan is right now."

Before we could continue any further, Twilight had walked in, along with her friends like mentioned before,

"Tick? Princess!" I grunted an answer and tried to act innocent.

Cue the glomp.

"What're you doing here? I just mentioned that Rainbow had gotten hurt!"

Celestia looked to me, then towards her student,

"While that may be true, I wanted to make sure that everypony was alright. Couldn't do that from my own castle."

I chuckled, "Basically, she is trying my, not giving a fuck, lessons. Taking time off of Royal Duties. Man, bad _ass_. By the by, how are the lessons working out for you?"

Celestia blinked, "Well the maids are having a hard time trying to figure out where the basement is.. And then there was yesterday in which I made a griffon lay an egg."

Man. That said it all,

"Damn. You surprised them that much?"

"Probably more than I should have. Luna loves it."

I sat crossed, "Who I have yet to meet."

"Be careful what you wish for, Tick. You might just get it." Celestia answered mysteriously.

I nodded, "Well, in that case, I wish I was back home." I crossed my fingers and waited for something to happen. When nothing did, I sighed,

"Dammit. You lied to me."

"No, just twisted the truth."

Ass…

Well if you wanted to know what happened after _that_ , then take a solid guess. If you spun the wheel, landed on jackpot and guessed that I had to sit in that damnable room for SIX, FUCKING HOURS?

Congratulations. You have now won the knowledge of unimportant context.

But during the six hours of waiting, I had caught up on a nice little nap. I stopped listening to everybody after more ponies came in, concerned for Dash's well being. Though the thing about taking a nap, is that if you sleep for too long, you can't really sleep when you want to afterwards.

So upon awakening, it took me a moment to realize that one, it was dark outside. Two, either it was recent, or happened a while back, but a certain pink party animal had found her way to my lap.

Not that I was complaining, I _was_ considering using her as a pillow, BUT, shit would've gotten real if I had done so.

Now, thirdly, and the final thing I had noticed, was that Twilight had disappeared. I could count, mind you, and my math had told me, we were one pony short. Didn't matter to me that she was gone, but my math did the skills of telling me it was time for a smoke.

So, Pinkie was placed in the seat I had been in, hopefully warm enough for her to remain in that state. And with careful steps about the sleepy room, I hopped out the joint and started down the hallway.

Nothing too noticeable happened, sparse for the stares I got from looking in different rooms. Might I remind though, that every room held at least one patient, which led me to rethink about the ponies around here being quite fragile.

But then again, there was that moment of where Twilight kissed a wall… Maybe she's in one of these rooms. Concussion based most likely.

I found a suitable spot near the entrance to the place. It was there I unfortunately met Redheart, who in turn caught me smoking, which then led to her cocking a full hated fis- hoof back and decking me out on the floor.

It hurt my pride, my self esteem, made me look like a bitch… And it hurt my tummy…

You know the rest.

 **Now**

I figured Twilight had just accidentally stumbled upon me, and left me there to weep Jesus tears. It was my plan to go find her at first, but my addiction kicked in and I couldn't handle the pressure.

So fuck her. She said she was going to find something to do at… What… twelve o'clock at night?

When she disappeared, and there was literally no one around, I sat up, clutching my bruised tum tum.

If it was one other thing Redheart knew how to do, was fucking throw a punch. I think she made me hack up the damn smoke I inhaled earlier. Either that or it was my kidneys that were tossed aside.

So I decided it was about time to stop congregating with the floor, my main focus was standing up. I did that, in about five minutes of pure agony. But the end result was knowing that I'm not a complete failure.

With what dignity I had left, I took it with me to the pitch black world outside. Not much to go on when I left the building, I plan on going back to where everyone was, but I needed to get at least one more midnight smoke.

I brought out my pack and tapped it on my wrist, eliciting the final cigarette. I opened the pack up after setting the cigarette in a safe place, confirming that there was nothing left.

So that's just great. I said god help Equestria if I don't have my smokes right? I chucked the thing as far as my weak arms could throw. Pulling my lighter out just as it hit the ground.

It took me a few times, but I got it on my fifth try. After I pocketed my sparker, I took a drag and stared at the night sky.

Intentionally, I'm a city slicker at mind. I enjoy the sounds and melody that of the gunshots and firecrackers that seem to always go off at night. And where I lived, there always seemed to be fires 24/7 as per firetrucks would speed past my house almost every hour.

But at heart, I will always be a country boy. Out there, on the vast expanse of open rural plains, lay a monumental beauty during the night. You can stare into the sky in a city, yes. Though how many stars can you see with all the sirens going off and all the lights blinding the midnight?

The answer should be, none.

I could handle the amounts of bugs and animals out there in the country. I could also handle the fear of accidentally being shot and ran over by redneck cousins. (Which mine are always fucking drunk for some reason…) But the stars, that seem infinite out in rural plains, are what make life enjoyable in the peaceful insanity.

Out here, In Equestria, the stars littered the sky tenfold. And if it wasn't the moon that shone brighter than the stars, it was the comets that flew by. Right about now, I wish I had my camera. This night, would be my screensaver, and the moon would be the lock screen.

Oh but that's right, I forget to plug it in. And you wanna know what else I forgot?

The fact that there was a fucking pony staring at me through the darkness. I saw his/her outline seconds after it cleared its throat.

My first reaction, was to jump. _Then_ freak out,

"Jesus!... Fu- You know its impolite to stare right?"

I'm not going to be the guy to refer to this fuck as a, "figure". No, this guy was a creeper, and will be called as such. At least I _thought_ it was a 'he', which was debunked after **she** , spoke,

"Nah, Parents were lazy."

I sniffed, taking a hit, "Pity. You would've learned a thing or two from that."

The creeper stepped forward, shedding just a little bit more light on her features,

"I'm pretty sure it _would have_. But right now, that lesson is for another time."

I nodded, taking my leave to the hospital wall, "Oh well don't let me bother you then. You've obviously come to the right place if you wanted therapy… Or a band-aid."

"Oh I think talking is much more therapeutic."

Dammit, it's one of these people… Ponies, what the fuck ever,

"Look miss, If you're planning on asking me for money…"

The mare cut me off, "And what use would your money be of to me?"

Wow, smarter than she looks this one is… "Good answer. Now please, fuck off. As you can see, I'm trying to enjoy my last moment of humanity. Not like I had too many to begin with..." I said gesturing to my cigarette.

"Oh, you mean these?"

I watched from where I was as a green glow lifted my cigarette package,

"You threw these at me not to long ago."

I shrugged, "It was empty."

"Check again, Tick."

The package was thrown at me, causing my natural instincts to catch it. It accosted me when I found out that what I had thought to be empty, was full,

"If I were back home, I would be drooling over the fact that you could do this." I looked up with hardened features,

"But given the circumstances of an accident just happening, I'm just wary of why the hell you're doing this."

Creeper shrugged, "It'd be awful for everyone around you if you didn't have your cigarettes, yes?"

I gave her a terse nod, "Correct. And it'd be bad for you to know my name, but me to not know yours. So spill it."

I caught her there, as there was a pause, then a brief bout of laughter, "I can see the reason in that. So, why not." She stuck her hoof out, "Pride. And it's quite obvious of what your name is. Even if it is just a false one."

Blinking, I cocked my head, "Pride, huh? No weird ass last name like, Pride Vernacular?"

She shrugged, "Like I said, Parents were lazy."

Yeah. And fucking cocky as hell, "Right…" I took the hoof and stood there awkwardly as Pride spoke,

"So how about you go back inside? Show everypony in there who's boss?"

My hand buzzed, vibrated, then went still. But my mind was then the one buzzing. Not with whatever happened though.

Where the, FUCK. Did _that_ come from. I may not be able to actually _**see**_ this bitch, but the way she said that sent villainous cliché shivers all up my spine,

"Uh… Excuse me?"

I think this caught Pride off guard...again... because she had taken a step back,

"You're still… How?"

I placed my hands on my hips, bringing sass out more than sarcasm, "What the hell are you sayin, _show them who's boss._ Bish, I don't even know you. What do I look like, a slave?"

"For about three seconds, yeah, you did."

I flatbrowed, "Fuck off."

There was a moment of silence as Pride tapped her chin and peered over my shoulder, "That would seem appropriate during now."

She turned her gaze towards me, sternly pointing out, "But I'll be back."

"Yeah, yeah Miss Terminator. Bring back a chopper the next time you see me."

Pride grinned, "I'all bring some friends." she smiled, "Some of them are dying to meet you. Until then, tell Rainbow I said, Hi. Needs to work on that trick…" As she turned, Pride tossed a look backwards,

"She stopped listening after we left you with the girls."

My mind hit overdrive, and I immediately threw a hand out,

"WAIT-"

Strangely enough, Pride disappeared in puff of smoke. And when it cleared, she was nowhere to be seen. But then again, couldn't _see_ anything. Hell, I didn't even catch a glimpse as to what she looked like. All there was, was just a damn shadow.

Sighing, I scratched this off my list as a crazy occurrence and scuffed the ground with my bare foot. Which then reminded me to ask Rarity to finish the other shoe…

She had finished it, of that I was sure. But then Dash had to fucking do what she did, dumb bastard, making me miss out on my foot coverage.

Man… I need lie down. Close my eyes, and hope that I'm back home. Not even here two days… TWO DAYS, and I gotta worry about someone named, Pride.

 _Honey, she our pride and joy!_

 _THATS IT! LETS NAME HER, PRIDE!_

Equestrian Logic folks.

 **O.o.O.o.O**

"And you're telling me, her name was, Pride?"

I blinked, "Uh… Yeah?"

Twilight shook her head, "Nope. Don't know anypony named that way. Celestia might though." She pointed out, using her magic to levitate her book back up.

In short, after my little incursion with… Pride, I had to take what I found to Twilight. Luckily, the unicorn was fapping to one of her books. Not literally… Sik bastards…

But I had found her in Dash's room with the rest of her friends. She was the only one awake at the time, so she had received my full attention,

"Alright, where is she then. Bathroom? Outside? Bathroom? Wait, already said that…"

Twilight looked around before gigging,

"No silly. She's at her castle. Luna is taking over now. If you want to, go speak with her."

See, Celestia had dipped right around the time the doctors had confirmed that Rainbow was going to be fine. After seeing that everybody was okay, the alicorn thought best to just disappear.

Unfourntunately, I had _no_ idea where she was. So I took it pretty hard.

I flailed quietly, "WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE THEN?"

For two seconds, when a random voice had cut through my insustenant flailing, I thought god was speaking to me. But that was debunked when I heard the later on sentences.

"Right behind you."

I twirled around and instinctively flailed even more,

" _JEE-_ _ **ZUS**_ _IN A BALLPARK!_ Don't, DO THAT!" I said after falling into a chair, "This is a hospital, yes, but don't make me have a heart attack to early on…"

The alicorn in front of us snickered, "Ask and ye shall receive. You asked where I am, and if I know about somepony named Pride?"

Completely random and out of the fricking stadium. Didn't even ask me my name.

I clutched my face and chest, "Yes…"

Luna, a midnight colored mare with the same wavy hair as Celestia. Oh fuck… She even smiled the same way, "Well I am here, and I might know about her."

Yeah, bet you were waiting for some, **big** introduction towards Luna. Nope. Sorry, it seems that karma has hit me too. I actually expected to meet her in some informal way like down by the castle grounds, dancing with a prince under the moonlight.

But instead, I get jumpscared in a sleepy hospital by another being of great magical power. Funny how life works.

"Though why you must know of such a being is a wonder…"

I sniffed, "Well, when some fuck named Pride shakes your hand and tells you to, 'show people who's boss.'"

I uncovered my face, "And then disappates into nothing but fart gas, you get a little worried." Okay, maybe not fart gas, BUT STILL.

Luna frowned, a sight quite unbecoming for another princess, "She shook your… Hand?"

I nodded, "Yep. Gave me a vice grip that'd make your great grandchildren pucker up."

Luna stared at me mystically, "Alright then. Twilight," She directed her gaze to the young unicorn,

"It seems that your human…"

"Hey!"

She continued, "Has information that my sister needs to be let known about."

I blinked, "...let known about?"

Luna sighed, "Do not tempt me human."

Grunting, I poked a finger at the billowy goddess, "Look here you pompus little-"

"TICK."

I held my hands up, "It wasn't me. I swear to Juan."

Twilight had grown weary of the bickering, "Luna… As you were saying?"

"All six of you are in danger. And I have yet to prove this to Celestia. So I need to borrow, Tick. Maybe bring him to Canterlot for a few days."

I scoffed, "What am I to you ponies? An object?"

Luna paused and shugged, "I prefer calling you an Item. As per you are only useful when you are needed. But object works just as well."

"Why you little-"

 **O.o.O.o.O**

 **A/N:**

 **So, this chapter is very confusing, no? I planned on having Luna come in with like, thousands of explosions and some badass shades on. But I settled for a minor introduction.**

 **(Sorry Luna fans… I do apologize)**

 **But for you… Full Metal Alchemist fans, (I HOPE YOU KNOW WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH)**

 **So tell me what ya think, I can tell you what I'm thinking,**

 **Were almost nearing the 100 reviews mark, AND ITS SO CLOSE :DDD**

 **But as for reviews themselves, I will abstain from answering them, this chapter. Its schooltime, and I got allota stuff to do. So the next few chapters, (will be funny hopefully,),** _ **will**_ **take longer.**

 **Not that… They already have XD**

 **Again, Sorry ppls, but here I give you the first arc of TEAM!**

 **(that's uh… The Elements and Me as an acronym… Pretty rad right?)**

 **You can join it if you like.**

 **IF YA HAVENT ALREADY, PUNCH THAT FOLL/FAV BUTTON,** _ **LIKE A BAWSSS**_

 **And if you feel like doing so, LEAVE A REVIEW! I uh… Kinda need them :P**

 **But otherwise,**

 **Keep on Derping!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey! If you're bored, why don't you check out my other story, Divine Nature! Until then, enjoy this extremely late, extremely awesome and extremely half assed chapter!**

Chapter 9:

" _You worthless coward! Fight me on your own terms!" A voice berated from the smoldering ruins of what lay left of a castle loft._

 _And from the ashes, a rumble grew in size, hushing the winds and silencing the very battle that took place amongst the troops of the queen. It was there that the bodies of those great souls lie, ready to collect ashes from whence the conflict ends._

" _And who, raises their voice against I? Ruler of that which is wicked…" A serpent with a voice as smooth as silk, but rougher than the toughest of scales, said as he slithered into the castle. When the dust cleared, the serpent smiled a toothy grin, seeing as how a lone mare stood her ground against the odds of the flames, her mane soiled with the blood of her enemies… And with the blood of her companions,_

" _Ah… Mistress Stone Heart. Such an egregious pleasure! It's not very often somepony like me gets to stand before a_ _hero_ _such as you!"_

 _As wood creaked against the might of the heat, Stone spat out the remaining blood collected in her mouth and brought her eyes to level with his, "I am no hero, Discord. If I were, this wouldn't have happened, would it have?"_

 _Discord mulled the answer in his mind for a moment, stroking his goatee in forethought, "I suppose not. But that's where the_ _ **fun**_ _is born young one!"_

 _Stone growled, "Fun!?" If looks could kill, then the being before her would have been decimated ten times over, "Then this is just a jest to you then right? A mere happening on a scale of one to whenever it is you wish to wreak havoc!"_

 _Discord sighed plainly, "Oh you ponies and your yammering… Over a few dead soldiers too! The mere… Pawns in a bigger game of chess." A spark of ignition lit Discord's eyes, "Speaking of chess. I do suppose I cut through some of the pawns… Ah poppycock."_

 _With a flash, Discord had appeared next to the battered Stone Heart, "Alright, tell you what. Since I'm on a bit of a crunch, have more than three things to do, and seeing as how you never liked this place anyway, I'll cut you a deal."_

 _Discord snapped his fingers and the flames died away. Leaving just the rubble, he, and the mare standing amongst what was left,_

" _If I'm not mistaken, Stone, you have a bit of an… Indecency problem. It sort of coincides with your opposite sex, am I right?" Discord ended, wagging his furred brows._

 _Stone gulped and said with a voice full of shock, "No… You don't know what I deal with…" Her eyes flickered from hazel to green and back again, showing that she was feeling doubt. The statement had caught her off guard, throwing Stone in a loop,_

" _You don't… know…"_

 _Discord laughed, but it went to show that it wasn't directed towards her. No… It was a laugh that meant something more deeper than a joke. It was what Stone felt to be but the same longing she felt within her own heart. It was a laugh for the sorrow._

" _Oh but I do." Discord admitted plainly, "Centuries pass, and so do millenias. I sit idly by and just… Watch, as ponies grasp their concepts of love and make due with what they have, introducing their kin with another filly or colt to the world we know of now. Its blasphemy towards me, because I cannot mate with anypony."_

 _Stone blinked as Discord worked his way around the stunned mare, "Yes, a little me? I cannot even see the thought cross my mind. And so, I stand alone. I cannot lust towards a mare, and I cannot lust for more than what I offer. It is written in my destiny to be the only one of my kind, because I cannot feel that special connection with somepony."_

 _As Discord clasped his claws behind his back, he turned his head briefly to offer an eye of hope, "But you can, can't you. Ah yes, of course. You are Stone Heart! The, slayer of the bloodthirsty griffons, Captain of the Unicorns, and a personal friend to Celestia herself. I bet every stallion is_ _ **dying**_ _to meet you." Discord emphasized his point by poofing one of the dead guards next to him, making the poor soul wave at Stone as if he were a puppet on strings,_

" _But only if you could show that special somepony your love with a colt to bear. Such a shame, Stone, to exist with a exemption from an amazing game called life…"_

" _Enough. What are you getting at, Discord? It isn't everyday a god such as yourself piddles in the affairs of mere ponies." Stone Heart said, glancing up at the serious expressioned god._

 _Said God chuckled slightly, "Oh, well when you put it like that, then my piddling is nothing of consequence dear, for I have seen what I've done wrong at the moment, and wish to make it up to you."_

 _Stone glanced about the destruction and commented idly, "I've lost the castle and my men to you. It's taking more than just my will not to strike you where you stand" Said she, lowering her horn menacingly, "Please, cut to the chase so we can end this mockery."_

 _Discord 'tskd' with a smirk, "Oh temper, temper. You haven't even let me finish!" Discord said as he reappeared next to the smoldering mare, "So, here's the… Deal I give to you. I will use some of my amazing, but volatile magic, to grant you that fertility you thirst for."_

 _Stone gulped, "And… In return?"_

 _Discord held out his lion paw mediocrely, "All I ask is you use that gift for the greater good of your kin."_

 _Stone pondered immensely for the next moments time, while thinking and watching Discord closely. It was to the best of her abilities to truly consider such an offer, she could afford to refuse. Or, was that what she really thought? There was, a moment of doubt that flickered across Stone's mind, playing her with its temptation, and leading the mind askew as if it were a white rabbit, and she was Alice._

 _In the end, the ratification and immense regret Stone held, was shown with a terse nod, and a handshake with a devil. Almost immediately Discord laughed, speaking outwards, his voice bellowing against the wind,_

" _Stone Heart, I only want the best for you. I doubt Celestia or her flank brained sister could do this… But because of your valor and courageous failure against defeating me, I offer you my blessing. I mean…"_

 _Discord wiped his hand on the nearest rock as it had grown quite sticky, "It was change you were looking for, right?"_

 _Stone said nothing, for she had not the ability to even do so. Her eyes had glossed over, and she had merely fallen, twitching mutely as she was slowly encased by a sickly green cocoon._

 _Discord snickered, and began whistling to himself as he walked away, "My little pony… Du, du, du, du friendship could be~"_

 _O.o._ O.o.O

 **WHAM**

"Gah! Fucking… Crackers in cake!" Man, that hurt! Wood is hard… Hard is wood… Where was I going with that again? Oh right! I rubbed the spot where my exterior cranium just about engaged in a hardcore rut session with the interior wood of the carriage we were in. Stupid pegasi… Said they were like, the best fliers in the land considering that they were the _only_ fliers in the land. Bring in a little bit of turbulence and it was like watching a gamer cry out in fear of a jumpscare.

Anyways, I sighed loudly, god… What a nap. What a dream too, can't forget about that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm freaking out on the inside. But its not showing because I'm still trying to wake up from our recent endeavours. That, and my ass was sore. So, I shuffled my weight in the cramped cage. It jostled the wooden structure a little bit, but we were righted almost spontaneously, set for a zeroed course towards Canterlot.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Can-ter-lot. The places where the big cheeses stayed, slumbered and most of the time, goofed around doing the duties only their kind do. Wish it were that easy back home. Two rulers, maybe if one had to take a break, they'd just holler at the significant other. Of course though, there was always the chance that one of them would want to seize the throne, yadda yadda yadda, typical medieval bullshit.

I snickered to myself as I reviewed last night's little inconveniences, noting on how awesome I could be at times. Then again, it was actually my fault that we, (We meaning me, Twilight, Skittles, Rarity, Fluttershy, AJ, and Pinkie) were being shoved to a place we really didn't have to be. Oh my gracious, that sounds so gosh darn familiar don't it?!

But, amidst my pleas of wishing not to go, or, 'I don't feel like it', I got the really short end of the fucking straw and was put upon this carriage with the combined might of three unicorns… and that one pegasi.

Seriously, like, I don't know why but after being here for just what, five days now? I've been able to see a multitude of magic, pass right before my eyes. Telekinesis, or AKA 'Pick shit up and put shit down' spell, was amongst the most used. Saw a unicorn pick up three logs. THREE LOGS. And he was barely taller than Twilight.

Now, I don't consider myself heavyweight. I'm more of, Banterweight or for the hell of it, Lightweight. Grinding on weights and trying to eat more isn't exactly my style, so I've been a little… Underweight for my age. Considering most people at the age of 23 are just over 180 pounds (Or under, depending on the gender) I'm stuck with varying numbers from time to time.

I was asked to, 'Get in the carriage if I want to live' kind of like scenario, minus Arnold; the voice, and his shades. Replace that with a bunch of Human Hating Pony Guards (Double H 'P' G for short) and my situation went to the acronym SNAFU.

End result was the failed attempts of lifting me from Yoda's swamp, and I about made one of the younger cadets shit himself from exertion. Which was pretty damn hilarious to see by the way. But they forced me on board, eventually bringing out the more beefier of the races.

So here we are! I'm in a flighted piece of wood being pulled by two pegasi, who have no punctual priorities for being late. On top of that, we were being flown in and out of clouds as if we were fingers picking apart their wispy natures like cotton candy. In the distance, was the gleaming towers that so many ponies called their favorite city.

"Pretty amazing, huh?"

I took my face from the window and glanced towards the voice, "I take it, you want my honesty here, right? To say that it is amazing and quite an extravagant city. Well," I pursed my lips and went back to looking, "Its pretty cool, I gotta say."

Applejack laughed and said with her southern slang, "Yeah. Big cities tend t' hang around your mind the most."

Snickering, I raised a brow, "And Canterlot leaves a lasting impression on a country gal like yourself?"

Applejack blushes slightly, "Well all things considrin'..." Before she could continue charading on with a blubber, I smiled, "Hey, I only jest. Besides, this place looks like it sucks the joy and life from you."

"That and your bits.." Murmured the smoldering mare.

So like I said, I wasn't the only one forced to go to Canterlot. With the name descriptions above, I had the six mares come with me, in penance for actions I provoked upon the goddess… Quote and quote… Of the moon. Applejack came with me, Twilight and Pinkie went in another, separate carriage, so on and so forth. Now, Dash…

Dash recovered quicker than anyone thought. She was none the wiser with her brash nature, but surprisingly enough, she looked just… Out of it. It looked as though someone had taken her favorite anything and burned it in front of her. I of course poked and prodded her a few times after the doctor(s) declared the rainbolic sumbitch good to go, but she took it in stride and didn't even throw anything back. So technically, I win, she loses.

Whatever good that does me.

"Tick, you got family?" Applejack threw at me suddenly, almost making me choke on my spit as I responded with a grunt,

"Yep. I do." Applejack waited patiently, eyeing me with one raised brow. Oh… So it was one of the, 'Tell me more' kind of conversations. Well played country mare,

"I have a younger sister and brother."

Applejack immediately questioned again, "Oldest?"

"Unfortunately so."

"Do they have names, or am ah' to assume they're just, brother and sister."

I snorted, "AJ, if I ain't gonna tell you my name, what the hell makes you think I'm gonna tell out theirs?"

Applejack shrugged, "Nothing to short of a conversation starter Tick. I ain't gonna tell another soul, and your namesake is safe with me." She said with a glint of seriousness in those green eyes.

I sigh through my nostrils, not taking my eyes away from the window. Truthfully, I've never gotten to a point in my life as to where I've been of a person to tell someone else about my family. I see it as a sign of weakness, and a mistake to do such. If you don't believe me, watch a movie, or read a story. I bet you money that those who have family always kneel to a high and mighty fucker who threatens to destroy that of which they (the poor unfortunate soul) love.

It doesn't end there either. I've noticed that when you describe the ones you are related to, people will use them as references to get your priorities in check,

' _Tick. What would your brother think of you if you did that?'_

Oh I don't know random thought, let me just call him up and ask the guy. Oh wait, HA, I can't. I don't get fucking cell service in Equestria. That and my phone is still busted.

But Applejack wasn't a human. She didn't think the ways we thought, and more than likely didn't have split personas as to which she would turn and say something in damnation towards a member I call family.

Oh great… It's already begun… I'm starting to _**trust**_ these ponies…

"My sister's name is Jacqueline. Brother's name is Oscar." I shrugged, "Haven't seen either of them in a long time."

Applejack smiled, her eyes gazing at me softly, "Can I get an age sugarcube?"

I pointed without looking away from Canterlot, "First off, don't call me that. I'm not three. Secondly…" I blinked, "Oscars the same age as me and as for Jackie…"

I looked down as a cold sweat broke out across my entire body. Damn… How old was my lil' sis? Last time I saw her was for her winter choir practice. And that was what, four years ago? Good lord. Loner much? The implications were out there, and I realized that maybe I've been the asshole for once.

"Think she might be eight now. I don't know though. Priority number one was me for about five or six years. Maybe she's nine..." As I said that, a crooked smile came about, taking over my features, "I actually wonder how old she is…"

Applejack cocked her head and shivered as we hit another slight amount of turbulence, "You think? How do ya not know? You're her big brother raht?"

When she had said that, I took a moment to mull over my answer, "Yep. But that doesn't mean shit when your family is against you."

"Meaning?"

I looked at AJ, and flattened my brows, "Meaning, if mum and pa say jump, I wonder 'how high'." Shaking my head, I sighed, "Dad put out a, no contact contract, on me because of a fight we got into one night."

"What does that have to do with your sister?"

"My dad wasn't the only one involved…" I answered, regret staining my voice, "Let's leave it at that."

Applejack realized after about a minute and sighed sadly, "Well… I'm awfully sorry Tick. And ahm also sorry for bringin' this up." As I chuckled to myself, letting her know it was alright, we sat there in brief silence until AJ broke it again,

"Tell you what though…" I moved my eyes over to the orange mare and smiled briefly, allowing her to continue, "After all this business is done in Canterlot, how's about you come over to mah farm? Let you meet my family and such."

I took a moment to consider and gave her a warm smile, "I'd like that AJ. Sincerely, I would."

And not two seconds later, we started our descent into the grandeur. It was right in the middle of the large castle square, so we started at the edge of Canterlot and worked our stretch all the way to the front of the Castle itself. Our designated fliers unbuckled themselves after they were still and flanked both doors, opening both at the same time.

I eyed my guard and stepped out, "Thanks for the ride. Could've done better on turbulence, but hey, that's just me."

The guard sniffed, "Yeah well, don't see _you_ having wings. Come back when you get yourself a pair why don't you."

Oh you fucking… "Tick? Great to see you!" Called a regal voice from a few feet away. As I turned to see who it was, I groaned inwardly to myself and forced a smile, "Good Morning Celestia… nice to see you… Again."

Seriously. Every, single. Day. I see her every day. And yet she has the forethought to say, 'great to see you!' I would've just brushed myself off as a parasite and moved along with my day. But that isn't the Celestia way! _#Rhymes_

"I trust your flight was exceptional?" Said she, as the alicorn cantered over, flanked by two other ponies that I didn't know. One was a white unicorn, and the other was another alicorn that was a multitude of colors that burnt my irises to shit.

I responded with a shrug, "It was okay. Was able to take a nap and stuff, so that was a plus. How was your day so far then, if we are able to be asking of mornings."

Celestia eyed the gathering six and smiled warmly, "So far, it has been quiet. That is, until you showed up."

I nodded with a wide grin, "Heh, I've already got the status of, 'what do ponies say when they see you coming'. Awesome."

The stallion flanking Celestia to her right snickered at my joke, whilst the alicorn did not, she being the one to say aloud, "So this is the human you were talking about?"

I waved at the mare who'd just spoken and said with a snort, "Hey uh… Not to cut in, your majesty. But I… Do have a name."

Celestia blinked, "Oh? Is it another nickname? Or your true identity."

"Neither Celly. Tick is just fine." Fist pumps all around ponies, I am on fi-yah!

"I knew it was a sore idea to gather my hopes up. Well, regardless, I trust you all are well, Twilight?"

Ah yes, the purple unicorn who'd stepped beside me. See, after my meet and greet with Pride, Twilight had stepped up her game on keeping an eye on me. She doesn't say why, but I think she thinks that I think I'm trouble.

"Yep! We're all here and ready to help in anyway we can."

Celestias eyes sparkled, "Excellent. You're staying put for the time being."

And as all the six began to excitedly speak with the ponies next to Celestia, that's how my day, slowly descended into a nice warm spot, called hell…

O.o.O.o.O

"And here is your personal suite. Celestia herself had several of her finest decorators come about and remodel the room to your liking. Not only towards that recommendation, but she had mistress Rarity sew you up some clothing." The mare I was with looked me over, "I thought we were to be housing a Griffon based on the attire."

I blinked, "Well, what do you think you are housing now?" The maid simply shrugged, "Excuse my rudeness, but I don't know what you are."

I threw everything on my bed and waved her away, "Says almost everyone I come across. Look, does this place have like… A shower? Maybe some food service?"

"The best."

I stopped what I was doing and slowly turned, "Then could you possibly _tell_ me where the hell those two things be at?"

I watched as the maid scampered about two feet in the air before galloping towards a door I had overlooked upon entry, "Haystacks! Apologies, um, here, this is your wash room," She grimaced and tried to sport a smile, "Hopefully the tub is to your size?"

"We shall see. And what about the food service?"

My maid, yes she is mine now, cantered towards the door, "All you need is to holler. Your companions are down the hall, and Celestia would like to see you within the evenings summit. Before I depart, is there anything you might need?"

I sat on the bed and took of my shoes, sighing as I did so, "Your name. If you would please."

She stopped in her tracks of exiting and turned her head slightly, "Moon Dust. Have a pleasent afternoon sir."

Equestrian Logic. But I shall enjoy my evening, to the best of my abilities of course. Now, to find Pinkie and cause so much mayhem that the ponies across the entire world will know that it was I who put havoc upon their souls.

As I opened the door to surmise my next move, I found myself stunned for a moment as instead of meeting hallway, which I might add was normal when leaving your room, I was greeted by a familiar unicorn.

Now, if you're thinking, _Twilight_ , I pat you on the back and throw you a cookie. But it wasn't, sadly. I mean, I thought it was her at first, though when she suddenly sprouted to my shoulders and had dipped her coat in a blindingly white piece of paint, was beyond me.

Anyways, it was that unicorn that was next to Celestia when we first got here. He was standing there at my door with a hoof raised and a face that could match a meme to the -ster. Obviously one of us was gonna say something eventually, and to make matters even more awkward, we both decided to say it at the same time,

"Wassup?"

We both blinked, taking a moment to scrutinize the other, "Knock on wo-" We both frowned, me taking the moment to cross my arms. The stallion pursed his lips and waited for me to speak.

Oh the irony…

"You're uh… Standing in my way man." I said suddenly before he could start. Thankfully, he didn't repeat what I commented back to me,

"Yeah, I was actually looking for you. About right after you got your room, I had to go down the entire hallway. Your room maid stopped me in the hallway a few seconds ago."

"Ah yes. Moon Dust. Kindly sort."

The guy took a pause, "You know her?"

"Pssh, hell no. Just her name. 'Sides, I doubt she'd wanna speak to someone like me." I said with a grin.

He raised a question, "And why's that?"

"When I have an answer, I'll let you know." I answered waggling my brows.

"Right. Anyways," The white unicorn stuck his hoof out, "Shining Armour."

Oh, mighty giving with names aren't we Shining? And again with the logic! I am beginning to think, that every parent in this place is either 1: Cuckoo for Cocoa puffs. Or 2: Just plain fucking retarded.

But, (and here's where my theory comes in, so get ready for mind explosions), maybe the names have something to do with what they're good at. Like for example, Rarity works with gems and stuff, and because of so… Well I mean come on. Rarity. It's a play on words! Fluttershy is shy and has butterflies on her ass, Applejack works on an applefarm, Rainbow Dash dashes with Rainbows, Pinkie Pie is pink and likes pie (Meaning she is a clown because clowns like pie; which also means she likes to make people laugh) and Twilight…

I actually can't surmise something for Twilight at the moment. Weird.

"Fancy name. You can call me Tick. Now, whaddya want?"

Shining smiled, "I'd actually like to take you around town, _if_ you don't have anything better to do that is."

I blinked, "Huh. Bothering Pinkie, or go out on a date with some guy I just met. Maybe causing some mayhem around the castle, or go smell the roses..." I looked at the stallion with a grin, "Yeah. That walk sounds nice. A view of Canterlot sounds great."

Call me gay, and imma punch someone in the face. Right after I realize my mistake and hand the someone my money.

Shining clopped his hooves together, "Awesome! Let's go!"

"Woah, hold your hor-" Within a fraction of exactly two point eight milliseconds, did I realize my statement turning into an actual reality. After my realization slammed into my brain, my eyes went buggy and I facepalmed, taking a moment to sigh deeply into the skin of my hand.

"Give me a moment to put my shoes on…"

As I turned to do so, Shining quipped from the doorway, "Shoes? What're shoes?"

Do I really have to explain this to this guy? Understandable from a viewpoint of a pony, but to ask such an outrageous question in a small amount of time of actually trying to talk to me is a bit much. So I slammed my poor feet into the protectors, and smiled,

"Nothing of consequence. Anyplace special we going?"

Shining opened his mouth to say something, but stopped, "I… Oh, well y'know… I never thought I'd get this far."

"Why's that?"

He shrugged, "Princess said you were kinda hard to deal with. I took that as a challenge."

Heh… Challenge Accepted, it's kinda swell now knowing that, not only do ponies know of me, but I'm also classified as a challenge. Double fist pump, "Does this place got any music? Maybe a…" I waved my hand, "Instrument shop?"

Shining nodded, "Yep, we got a nice little corner store near here. Sells pianos, to double string basses."

I grinned, yeah… forget Pinkie for a few, imma just blow people away with my mad musical skills, "Al-righty then. Let's get a move on."

O.o.O.o.O

Okay, two things you need to know about Canterlot before I continue. You can skip this if you want considering its like, your choice to listen. But, there are differences in Ponyville, to Canterlot.

One; Only the rich ponies lived here. No no, I don't mean the ponies that can throw a few coins on the ground and say, 'Enjoy.' I'm actually referring to the assholes who own the _banks_ in this goddamn place and can actually say, 'its not mine,' as they chuck safety deposit boxes at you. I knew this, because there were so many different ponies dressed hoof to head in attire suitable for those of the infinite pockets.

It was disheartening however, seeing such a way of life in this. Canterlot, was extremely beautiful, showing me in just a few short minutes, that architecture can take you anywhere if one puts their mind to it. But only those who could afford to live here, got to see this wonderful spot around the days and nights.

Where was I… Oh yeah,

The second thing you need to know about Canterlot, was how _large_ it was. Yeah, I know it's on a mountain and everything, but I mean come on. I don't want to be walking around for ages, trying to find just _one spot_. It was like walking from ride to ride in Busche Gardens or, Six Flags.

Shining was wondering half the time why I was bending over every two seconds to catch my breath. When he said it was _right around the corner,_ I thought he legitimately meant, _right around the fucking corner._ Remind myself not to get hype around this guy.

Though, he was actually swell to talk to. AND HE WAS THE FIRST _GUY_ IN FOUR DAYS! Wait… Four or five… Six days?

Bollocks.

Time for a smoke!

Popping out the papers as though I were an assembly line, I lit one and stopped. These cigarettes were the ones Pride gave me. Although I was a little hesitant to inhale it, (no homo), the memoirs of the mare kept me from caring.

Eh.

Shining had taken me a few blocks away from thee castle, giving me just a glimpse of the large city, in such a small amount of time. As I took a drag, I realized I was actually-

 _Making my way downtown, walkin fast~_

Dammit brain… You had to go and ruin it didn't you. Although… I guess I set myself up for it. YOU WIN THIS TIME. But next time, it will be I who is victorious.

"So hey Tick?"

I grunted, "Hay is for horses, which I am not." Judging by the facial expression of, 'I can't believe you've done this', I laughed and shrugged,

"What? Its a classic." With a sigh I waved a hand and turned to smoking, "Bahumbug. What's up.

Shining looked utterly lost for a moment, and then worked his vocal cords, "Oh? Oh-OH YES, uh… Right… What was I saying again?"

"Something about hay?"

"Right, right. No, the hey was in reference towards getting your attention. I wanted to ask you how you're doing really." Shining looked dead ahead, "Must be weird not being home."

I snickered, "Well yeah… I mean think about it. What would you do if you woke up and were surrounded by like.. Minotaurs or something?"

Shining took a moment with his answer, and said with a frown, "I'd flip the buck out?"

"Which is what I did initially. But minus the bucking, and instead just yelling at anything that moved." I said, using random hand gestures to explain my situation more clearly.

Shining got it, (quite obviously from the nods), and did a weird fuckboy flip with his hair, "But before that? How'd you even get here, if you don't mind me asking."

I blinked, "Well, multiple reasons. One, I'm thinking, that this is pony hell. And Celestia is secretly Satan. Would coalesce with one another because both like shit that _burns_." I took an unusually long drag, "Two, this is a messed up version of that weird state of death."

Shining muttered obstinately, "I'm guessing there is a third."

"Guess? Oh dear Shining, there is an answer _in_ the form of a third." I whipped my head around, "Would you care to listen?"

Shining chuckled, "I asked the question didn't I?

"Indeed you did. Your answer, is in the form of a magical being."

Shining erupted into a cacophony of dramatics, "Holy spears and italics, DISCORD?!"

I stopped walking and said incredulously, "What? N-no! Come on. Unicorn. She's purple. Has purple eyes, purple fur, her ass tattoo is fucking… something," Humorously enough, Shining covered his ass tattoo with a frown as I continued, "-She's apparently popular hands down. Well in your case, hooves."

Shining said with a raised brow, "Twilight?"

I threw my hands up, "Amagad! You got the right answer!"

"Yay? What does Twily have anything to do with you being here?" He asked askew as suddenly we had been the center for attention. Not that I was complaining,

"Well…"

You know… if you had told me I was an ass at that moment in time, I would've laughed in your face, then scratch my ass and cry in a corner later on. Normal procedure for dealing with people's criticism. But considering the events following theresuch, and many moons afterwards, I probably should've paid more attention. Listened out for the secrets hidden beneath the surface.

I also should've just watched my damn mouth. But I was an 'ass' back then, and still am to this day mind you.

So there I was! Tick, the brown headed sack of crap that was heading down the road to what Shining Armor believed to be the music shop! Around us, stood unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies alike. I had turned to speak with Shining, as per that was customary with speaking to someone, and just so happened to have missed a key element in footing.

I tumbled, broke imaginary emotions, tasted Canterlot's finest asphalt, made another pony tumble with me, and ended up knocking down an elderly stallion.

Do you remember earlier? When I stated that my day was slowly descending into hell? Well, let's say that this was the climax. And the underlying fact that I just crashed into Rainbow Dash, and fucked up some old guy.

Yeah. I'm not liking where this was going.

At all.

O.o.O.o.O

 **A/N**

 _DLRK: FUCKY FUCK FUCKFACE!_

 _...Wait, are we on?_

 **Derp: *le sigh* yes…**

 _DLRK: ...Shit. Uh… Hey, people! Tis I, DragonLord! I did something! Derp, tell them what I did!_

 **Derp: Oh well if it's like that, people! Dragon dids a story! And not just any story, this one you're… Reading… At this exact moment… Huh… Awkward.**

 _ **REVIEWS!**_

 _ **tyrantOFathens:**_ was a little hard to follow, but my goodness, it was great. I think you portrayed Luna rather well. (Even if there wasn't a ton of explosions)  
And i kid you not, i was going to ask if he now had unlimited cigarettes, but i guess Pride-ex machina works just as well.  
Keep up the great work my friend!

 **Derp: Trying to work out harshness and how fast the storyline is going, and the Luna fans were quite disappointed in me. (Which was hilarious by the by) And I was thinking about giving him an unlimited supply of smokes, but then physics kinda stepped in, and it was like… Yeah.**

 _DLRK: Unlimited cigs would be every smoker's dream. Also their death, but meh._

 _ **Kevin Lapse:**_ I swear...I'm feeling a deadpoolish type feel going on here... of is it just me

 **Derp: Oh well you see… Uh… Deadpool was kinda… *sweats* eh heh…**

 _DLRK: What you don't realize is that Deadpool has an asshole brother. This is him._

 **Chroma The Harvester** **:** if i was in that situation i'd pray to the great pyrocynical and tell him that he should help the literal walking nutsack

 **Derp: Huh. Never had an OC be called 'nutsack'. Kinda a mindfuck that one is.**

 _DLRK: Nutsack it is. Now to go through every chapter prior and change the nickname._

 **Derp: … I have the feeling that the co-authors and reviewers are more savage than the story.**

 _DLRK: Probably._

 _ **ShiningShadow1965:**_ This is starting something really good here. The laughs, the drama, and Tick this is going to be a ride no one will ever forget. Bravo.

 **Derp: Much obliged, trying our best, don't be pissed about the update time. Blame it on school.**

 _DLRK: Also, I pretty much only get called when he needs it to be edited. Never lets me know when he's writing…_

 **Derp: … I can see where this is going. (Ignore Dragon) *sweating intensifies***

 _ **Yellow Guy**_ **:** WABAM! 75th review, bro! Anyways...This chapter is quite confuzzling, but makes sense at the same time... hmmm...10/10, bye.

 **Derp: Jiminy Christmas, you like, dropped the mic and noped the fuck out of the story. Well played Derpy. Well played**

 _DLRK: Wait, there are already 75 reviews on this story?! WHAT THE FUCK?!_

 **A/N: So quite legitimately, I (Insert cuss word) up pretty badly.** _ **And**_ **slacked off. Never have been the one to turn things in on time, SO HERE'S A CHAPTER THAT'S TURNED IN AT THE LAST MOMENT :D**

 **Hopefully, you enjoyed, laughed, maybe even tittered a little bit, and felt the pain of… Woah where was I going with that…**

 **Right, uh… Dragon, did I miss anything?**

 _ **I don't think so. I mean, I think you forgot to mention the number of fucks Tick doesn't give about ponies, but I might just have missed it.**_

 **Eh. What the readers (** **and you** **) don't know won't hurt them.**

 **SO REVIEW, BY TALOS REVIEW! TEAM has spread people! Literally! It's in another community, being sported by a certain community sponsor!**

 **Not that you are reading this, but if you haven't, Review. Follow. Favorite.**

 **Three simple things. Do those, and the story will continue to grow...And… Stuff…**

 **Keep on Derping!**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

Tumble, tumble, tumble, maybe a Wilhelm scream put in there for added effect, cue my ass hurting like a mother humper, then of course the grunts and groans of what I assumed to be an old guy. Oh, and Dash somehow got into the fray. Which was a high quality , **double-yew-tea-eff!?** , moment.

I didn't even make a sound as I went head over heels and into the crowd. Pretty sure I just made a singular face that showed nothing but pure disappointment. Like, how in the hell did I even get in air in the first place? Gravity? Maybe an untied shoelace, tripping, tripping literally (what, did you think I'd spoil the chance at shrooms?) My personal favorite was the thought of a space monkey using his space monkey powers to monkey my way into a mess.

What? I can dream can't I?

Sigh. No… Most likely, and from what I've been informed by, is that I wasn't looking where I had been going. Then again, when have I ever tried to?

The end result was a mass orgy of, "Oh my goodness's!" And I shit you not, I even saw some mares faint because of me hitting Dash and having her go down with me. This confused me quite a tad, because why would someone faint, from me almost breaking my neck? Legitimately, everyone trips every now and then, and even then, I don't see some weird person hold a hand to forehead and swoon over the poor soul falling.

It's stupid.

Regardless, have you ever had that cringey moment of watching an anime, and somehow by god's grace, that lucky bastard of a protagonist gets to panty sniff? Oh, he's smooth as hell with it, tripping on air like it were a fucking oddity on life, and makes a beeline for that specific area.

Never. Fails.

Right. Where am I going with this.

So, I landed. Hard. Might've caused a little tremor for one of the couples across the pavement as they Brittishly sipped on tea cups, like sirs, and as I landed, I sort of bounced. Not even kidding you. You know you've fucked up when you bounce off the ground and continue for a little _and then_ stop. Humans don't bounce. Its not in our nature to even try.

So again, I bounced, I collected a few things, and had somehow in the mix, twisted around whilst orienting myself, so that when my ears and face stopped ringing, I could very much so see the cyan ass of Rainbow Dash herself with the addition of everything _else_.

Now, If it were in another dimension, time, place, _re_ place this with an actual female, and not a pony/horse hybrid, just maybe; _maybe._ I wouldn't be feeling so goddamn salty about this.

Becaus I never had a fucking moment like this on Earth. Noooooo, had to have an awkward situation such as this. Wasn't successful in attempts back home, but by someone's evil will, I have to be acquitted to torment being that of a faceful of horse fanny (Trying hardest to dampen cursing).

Peachy.

"Dash, OFF. NOW." Three words was all it took for the Rainbow mare to sense the equation at hand. And as she hopped off my face, to my horror, it seemed she all but had a blush creep onto her blue muzzle,

"Celestia… _TICK?!"_

I looked at her in mock bewilderment, my sarcasm getting the upper hand in this horrid situation, "Would you have rather it been Celestia? Man... Didn't know you swung that way Dashie. Then again, can't blame you for that." Quite. Celestia was… Majestic in a sense.

Get the wrong message and I will assault your mind with subliminal messages.

"No- I- GAH! You're so weird!" She got out between reddened breaths making me, the weirdo, laugh maniacally,

"Heheh, glad to see you're back to your bitchy self." And I was rather, or somewhat happy to see that she wasn't sulking. It was quite awkward to see her those few times after she hopped out of the hospice and she completely ignored my existence.

"Well… Thanks. I guess. I can't be, as you put it, 'Bitchy', when I'm here." She shook her mane, "I have a rep to uphold." Le gasp! Cussword?! I think not!

But yeah, reputation of that being an ass. No, wait, take that back, my uncle's ass, "Oh?" I said while trying to help that old fart I ran into up, "And what reputation would you even have here?"

Dash smirked, "Well there's the Wonderbolts."

Ah yes. The, _Wonderbolts_. I suppose in our terms, it would be that overpowered group of fighter jets. But here, for some odd reason, they were a group of ponies, _Pegasus_ , ponies. And truly, I was rather interested now for the insurmountable amounts of time Dash put into regaling about them. Probably for the reason that I was indoubtly intrigued by Pegasi themselves.

Again, not in that way. All I have to say, is Greek. Mythology. Look up pegasus's in there and tell me that that shit isn't cool. Really, the only thing I'd looked up to, were the Power Rangers and there was a time I sought to be just like Johnny Bravo. But for all of you who remember that show, definitely remember how _he_ turned out.

Can't you see me being like him though? A failure in life? Ah… Tis such a sorrow...

Right. Getting off track.

So, while I was thinking about that above thought, Shining had come over, clutching his tum-tum with a shaky hoof, gasping slowly with heaving breaths. As I flatbrowed, I realized that he'd been laughing his metaphorical plot off the entire time, showing me that he was like me. He laughed first then asked,

" _*snort*,_ Tick, you okay?"

With a smile, I pushed the old guy away, nodding with a killing intent put out on the white furred willinger, who thought that my pain was comedical. I know I deserved it, had it coming ever since I plucked a cigarette in Twilights face (Which confused _and_ scared the hell out of her). And now, Karma was coming to bite me in my tush.

Darn you karmeh. It was yeeewwww… Eh… I'll let it slide… I'd be laughing at Shining if he grinded the ground for as long as I did,

"For the moment. Just a wee bit surprised I crunked my way into Dash here." I commented idly, gesturing to the mare of the hour.

Shining tried his best, he really did. But that's the funny thing about laughter. Its a drug. Once you start, you can't stop that easily,

"I'm sorry!" He let out another whoop, "Its just… Your… Face!"

Sigh… sigh times two. I'm thinking about a third time, but Dash beat me to it, "He has a point. I thought you were ugly before."

I spat out an orange hair, "Yeah, landed in your asshole and was like, twice as ugly. I get it. Can we move along? Hate to keep your reputation at an all time low." Yeah. So my face was actually a complete crapstorm. Looked like I had gotten in a fight with the ground and the ground won. OH WAIT.

Score one for me, (mystical fest permp)

"Okay, okay… man, you have a good one Rainbow!" Said the ever courteous Shining, sporting her a wave and a quick gallop to my now smoking form. Gotta just… Wipe this crud off my face.

And this is the guy in charge of the, 'Unicorn Death Squadron'. Okay, maybe not, death, per say. Was more of, Unicorn Squadron, like something off of Star Wars. SERIOUSLY THOUGH! If something were to be created like a, U.D.C (Unicorn Death Squadron) it'd be, aucking fwesome! _Shining Armour, and his Death Squad, sent out by Celestia to rid the land of the most horrible monstrosities._

Ah yes… I can see the fanfiction stories about it now…Quite frankly, he told me about his job with Celestia earlier, and I just wasn't paying attention. He was though, a very prestigious dude, and that spoke volumes in how he acted… _Nonchalant_ I would say.

Bah, who am I kidding. I payed attention. Don't worry, I'll fill you in for what I had an ear full with.

So, firstly, he is a Captain. And as a playing roll as Captain, Shining does Captain'y' shtuff. Which involes a lot of Captain training, Captain stress, Captain exertion, Captain yelling, Captain sleepless nights, and of course, the pointless endeavor of protecting gods.

Quite frankly, I don't see a point in Royal Guards, if the Royal Guards, guard royals who can turn their royal enemies into like, royal boiled puddles or guarded frozen rocks. Respectively of course. Then again, _those stallions_ look tougher than those UK, Queen of England guards. And it isn't just because of their Roman like armor. (Which throws me in a loop because that's what Romans did back in the day. Wore Mohawked Helmets. Cue history squee~) I would think its because they don't say much. But when they do, the Sh- to the -it goes down.

Probably would piss a few minds off if I said that aloud back home… Damn it mouth.

So yeah, _like I was saying,_ we (We, meaning me and Shining) received looks by all as we made our way from Dash (When have I _not_ received looks though), Shining being the one to sigh in contempt, "So I'm guessing you and Rainbow Dash have a little history?"

History? Pfft, Jesus. Just from one glance he was able to comment on how much I… Dislike, Dash. Guess its rather obvious then. So no use in hiding it.

"Yep. Been here almost a week, and I've made a few enemies. That, and the other way around…" I mumbled afterwards, taking a rather large portion out of my menthol, "But yeah. Considering the crap that's happened within these few days, I suppose I do have, as you it it; History, with Dashie."

Shining chuckled, "Well, don't get me wrong, I don't think we _dislikes_ you. She constitutes several of her interactions by like… Insulting you." He nudged me in my ribs, "Clearly has a thing for you."

Now hold on one flipping fish sandwich. If he is implying, that that Rainbow mare is even a teensy bit _liking,_ _me,_ there will be a reckoning upon someone's face that they shan't forget… I can't even see that happening. Its like a fly falling in love with a frog, a frog in love with a bird, a bird in love with… whatever eats a bird-

Point is, _it doesn't work._ When someone dislikes me, I make sure that they stay that way until further notice. Which my job is 24/7. Which also means that they don't like me… ever. _Forever alone._

"Yeah, Shining, keep it to yourself man. You ain't Cupid, so stop firing blind love arrows everywhere." I said with a frown.

Pssh. No retorts to that. Except…

"So what did you do?" Said the only other guy I was with.

"As in… to be put in jail, or like… what I did to get in trouble?" I questioned verbally.

Shining chuckled, "I'm talking about job wise. Before you came here? Yknow, someponies make a living off of shop vending, someponies join the Royal Guard." He grinned and made a gesture, "Stuff like that."

"Ooooohhh." I commented with a heave, "Eh. I worked as a life insurance agent."

Shining scrunched his nose, "Life Insurance? Agent?"

Eh meh gad… "Yeah. I uh… Well I was the guy you'd speak to when things went south in maternal matters. Made sure you had bank when someone dies in the family, to be blunt."

Shining and I directed our course as we encountered a obscenely beautiful water fountain… It was quite the sight if I do say so myself,

"Sounds like a stressful job."

I nodded, "Oh yeah. Everyday there was a new sob story for me to listen to." I inhaled deeply, about shuffling my damn lungs into my neck as I did so, but I got the rest of my cigarette down, "They'd say something in the lines of, 'Oh, my husband died! He had life insurance…', and demand that they be, insured right then and there. Then there was the, _It's my money, and I need it now!,_ Moments that just sent me into a fit of giggles."

"You didn't take it seriously?"

I blinked, "Would you? I mean, most of the time, it's just picking up a phone and saying that the person _is_ insured. But there are times where people will walk in and demand shots like they own the place."

Meanwhile I sit in my cubicle with a typical fuck you attitude, wonder why you even exist, and send you on your way. Hilarious as they go, all complaining and crap, I just don't have time to listen to them bicker at me.

"Well that's the last thing I'd think you would work at." Shining murmued

Oh? "What'd you think I did? You never even knew I existed, until today that is." I said murmuring complaints.

Shining huffed, "With your attitude, I thought you'd make a good guard. Or hey, maybe even an ambassador. You never know."

I mulled it over, "I'd eventually want to start a war if I had to deal with you ponies for more than a angst-like period. You're all like… Frutti Tutti gum. Good at first, then shit afterwards."

"Eesh. To be compared to that is pretty harsh." Shining chuckled, "Well regardless, mind if I ask another question?"

Jesus, this guy was like Twilight all over again, never shuts up with the yakkity yak, "Would you mind if I answer?" I responded callously.

Shining went in stride, "Well, here, we have certain… Well… Certain ponies who can do certain things."

I said idly, "That's a lot of certains."

"Certainly. My main concern, is if where you came from, by any chance, did you have magic?"

Honestly? I would like to think we do. Legitimately, we probably don't. There are things that we do to a degree that _look_ like magic. But even there, all we do is trick your mind into thinking that we had done something impossible.

So for the answer, I started with a rub of my chinny-chin-chin, "Well, we don't shoot lightning bolts outta our heads. And we definitely don't go from here, to there in a matter of sparkles and stuff." I emphasized with pointing to where I was, ending it with pointing somewhere off in the distance.

Shining had been courteous enough to stop walking and just stand to listen as I berated him with harsh facts about how we (as unfortunate beings) don't have magickz,

"I mean if we could, I sure as hell would've used this time of goofing off to definitely find a spell to take me back home, but." I sighed, hopelessly throwing my shoulders, "Celestia has said that there is no living tome that can do such a thing."

"So yeah. We don't have the leniency of a bone sticking out of our head. If we did, we'd be fat, lazy and rather rieghtous about everything." Seriously. I'm getting goosetickles just thinking about it.

Just imagine… the couch potato, wielding the couch and eating the potato…

"Wow, that kinda… Sucks."

I nodded, "Uh-huh. I'm just ordinary. Like the earth ponies,"

Except the earth ponies have magic that help them grow plants and crap. Learned that from Celestia a few days ago. I also learned that pegasi are very ticklish around the wing area. Got that from Luna, and I am planning on using it upon Dash… Only… When things get serious…

Probably will never happen though. People (and ponies) often forget the power of tickles.

O.o.O.o.O

So I'm going to give you a fair warning, and say in complete honesty, that the walk to the musical shop, was uneventful. Ran into Dash, yes, but then after that, nothing really popped out at us, screaming for a writer to produce. Although there was a guy who looked way too happy for himself that was right next to me… oh wait, that's just fucking Shining.

ANYWAYS!

Said Music shop was what we were looking for, and a freaking music shop we found! GLORIOUS BEGOTTEN TO THE SOD WHO BUILT IT! And forsooth be my heart, stilled by the sheer peccable possibility of it being smack dab in the middle of this city. Damnable as my feet had been for like, half the trip, I do believe they had gained a more spruce step upon glancing at the half note sign that told us of the non-threatening gesture to enter.

And yes, enter we did.

I was excited really, but then again, I had a reason to be. See, my faith, and really solitude, had been placed into a certain… Art. And art, can have different meanings dependent on different people. Like for example, when I said art, and am still saying it now, I bet your first thought was The, drawn, art.

Now, if you are having a doubt of like, 'No, I didn't think that. You're talking about music. Why the hell would I think about art?'. Well really, I just wanted to mindfuck you. Apparently it didn't work. Kudos Tick. Kudos…

Regardless, if it was one thing I was able to turn to, it was the musical arts. Lest it be bluegrass, I would listen to it. There were a few exceptions for the more obvious genres, but le musica was always there on a bad day, and it had always been something I _was_ allowed to turn to.

I'm hinting on _was_ because _was_ is past tense, and because it is past tense, and all of my problem relievers _were_ on my phone, and because my phone has now up and died, I have nothing to turn to. Other than smoking. Which I need to give up.

You can hash tag that to rage.

"Wow… I honestly didn't know that ponies could even… Play. Really," I said as I pushed open the doors and commented within seeing the multitude of _string_ instruments, "I could see y'all playing the clarinets and crap… But strings?"

Yeah. I was at that time, having an aneurism trying to figure out how someone without fingers could even play. Oh but you wouldn't believe what Shining said. The guy even had a smirk as he answered smugly,

"It's Magic, Tick."

I'm gunna kill him eventually. Either it be by kindness, or my hands wrapped around his muscular fucking-

"Gentlecolts!" Alarmed a voice from the counter, "How can I be of service of you today?" It was a stallion from the hearing of it, but when I turned to raise a brow and come towards a sarcastic remark, I saw that it was a mare. And a large one at that.

She towered just above Shiining, and looked hella scary up close. Maybe it was her dull grey mane contested well enough with her icy blue eyes? Or it could've been the deep blue in her coat… Regardless, she made a move to do something with her hoof, and I shat myself voluntarily, diving behind Shining as I did so, "SHINING PROTECT ME."

Both looked confused as I popped out of Shining's flank, eyes wide, and finger pointing in the mares general direction, "Be careful Shining… Directors would die for a chance to hear that voice…"

Shining kicked me with his hind leg, trying to soothe me from his backside, "Tick, cmon… Stop. We're," he sighed in hopelessness, "In public man…"

"Is she gone?"

The made responded in a deadpan, "I work here."

CURSES!

Shining then tried, (and failed horribly) to pick me up via the use of magic, "Get… Out here!"

I walked myself forward with a sigh, "Oh fine! Great Caspian, throw me to the actor who plays Thor why don't you."

Well maybe not Thor… I would say Batman, but I'm currently out of ideas for anybody I've seen with a deep ass voice. There's that one dude off of Sin City, but not as deep as I'm expecting…

I pissed her off, (Mission Accomplished), as per I heard her sigh, "Thanks. I really needed that today guys. Real mature."

I wheeled around my face priceless, pointing in expectance, "Oh my god, say. 'Where is she', as deep as you can go."

Imagine my excitement when she went even lower than Batman, (FOK, YES!), " **Where is she.** There. Can I go back behind the counter now?"

I put a finger to my lips, "Hm… Ooh! 'This is Sparta!', Do that and I'll leave you alone."

Shining then plotted in with his big plot… "Tick, come on. Leave the poor mare alone."

"Poor mare? Dude, she looks like she can kick your ass tenfold. Wouldn't exactly call her a, poor mare."

Poor mare snorted, "Hmf, well you two are just about close to that. But I wouldn't dare lay hoof on him."

I wheeled around and gasped, "What? Are you two a thing?!"

Poor mare chuckled, (Which sounded like that Dragon off of Lord of the Rings), "No. As such as it would humour my Captain, harming Shining Armour," She smirked, "Just a few weeks before his wedding would seriously piss a few ponies off."

I threw my hands up, "Sweet Unicyled Unicorn!" _THEY'RE FINALLY GETTING MARRIED, IN AGRABAH!~_

Shining raised a brow, "What regiment are you? If you don't mind me asking of course."

Poor mare wiped the counter with her basketball sized hoof, inciting me to slowly back away into the instruments, "I'm under watch right now, but I believe you met Sugar Heart, yes?"

I watched as Shining and Poor mare engage in a conversation that didn't involve me, "Oh quite. She and I most dearly detest one another. She is your Captain?"

Poor mare tipped her head, "Yes sir, Name is Frigid Hoof. Most just call me Rig for short."

Shinings eyes lit with recognition, "The newest recruit! I've heard of your endeavors, very nice job on that sandworm near Appleloosa!" He said with a smile.

Rig nodded, "Which was my last… Mission I suppose. Haven't been out in a long while ever since I destroyed half of that town."

Heh. Funny. "Oh yeah… Celestia… I had completely forgotten about that. Are you… Well will you be…"

Rig finished for Shining, "Returning to duty? Okay? Pfft, most definitely. I'm just working the bits off to pay _back_ that town I obliterated."

I decided to pop in the conversation, "Because you saved it, you also have to pay for it?"

Rig shrugged, "I goofed up. Made a few craters, almost killed myself…" She chuckled, "Made a blacksmith turn into a red one, and kinda made the rest of the sandworms about kill Appleloosa in a fit of rage."

I sucked in through my teeth, "Yep. Sounds pretty bad."

Rig held her hooves out, "Oh, but I'm almost done with the payment. So that's a plus."

All the while she talked, I imagined I was speaking to the almighty Batman, (hail hydra). And we sorta went off topic really, engaging in several Necessity's unfit for that of text form. COUGH. COUGH. DRUGS. COUGH.

I left the conversation once Rig and Shining went on about rank. I really didn't need to reiterate on how much the military or hell, _Guard_ scared the hell out of me. It was just a thought I came up with in 9th grade when I got in ROTC. Never looked back after I flicked my drill instructor off.

I could also never look back _at_ my back.

So I looked forward, and in front of me, were yet again, those rows of music and stringed instruments. And with careful hands, I picked up the closest guitar, cradling the wooden acoustic with awe.

It was a deep crimson wood, could be named something like, 'blood oak' for all I know. The strings were laced in an order dealt by a steady… Hoof I guess. They were spaced gently apart, and strung about by the pegs on the end.

Was I going to just stare at it? Maybe just a little bit more. Was I going to play it? Hella.

There wasn't a sign that said I couldn't, nor did Rig state that this shop was a no touch zone. So I wrapped my arm across the larger portion of the instrument and strummed gently on that simple tuning chord all guitarists despise.

I guess I was in luck, for it showed no signs of being out of tune. Now… To play a simple song… Ooooh! Maybe I could play the Gravity Falls theme, or maybe… GASP! When September Ends!

Fuck yes. Let's go.

So play I did. And my fingers went as smoothly as butter on toast, plucking away at the strings as if they were balls of cotton candy. It came and went, the song, and as it ended, so did my passion for playing. Begrudgingly, I realize sometimes that I lose my lack of focus while doing things.

Like for a perfect example, my hobby. Which was, you guessed it, playing guitar.

I'll play for a bit, get bored, roll around my bedroom, fix some food up and go to sleep. All in that order, respectively of course.

I set the guitar down and put my hands on my hips, I miss my guitar. Had to sell it a few months back because of rent. And… Well, you know how rent is. Higher than blood cholesterol. It was a hobby, yes, I loved to play, but because of life, I had to be rid of it.

Sad? No. Its just on a waiting line, verging onto sad.

Oh but Shining and Rig souped it up. They were clopping their hooves together with first place ribbon smiles. So I smirked, and did some bows here and there.

Now, Shining and I came into the music store because of the idea to just, browse the selection, and get out of the castle. We didn't plan on staying long, so right about the time I finished playing, Shining admitted boredom and claimed we were to leave. Rig happily watched us go, and so he and I left.

It was unbecoming of us to leave in a small amount of time, but it was a small shop, there were ponies popping in there and actually buying stuff, and we were there _just because_. There was that, and the fact of the evening approaching rather quickly.

Thankfully, we were making good progress and had made it to that spot where I had collided with Dash. No the crater wasn't there, so don't ask. It was still crowded as when we had left it, and surprisingly enough, I had somehow lost Shining in the fray.

Don't know how, don't know why, but I lost a five foot pony with a magical horn on his head. Congradulation yew now fucked up.

So I popped a menthol and sighed, looking around as Ponies went to and fro from their daily lives. There was a few moments as to where I _thought_ I had found him, but it was just a look alike, and a disappointment on my part.

I scanned the edges next, and I think I found him after looking for about a minute. White fur, similar hair color… And a horn to match to a 'T'! Commence stalker mode…

I waded through the crowd, either moving the ponies physically or by the amount of minty clouds I was exhaling, reaching where I had seen him last in moments time.

He was right here, near a little food shop. But then he turned left… So that would mean… I turned my head left to catch a glimpse of white disappearing into a store alleyway. It was one of those alleyways that had every dumpster in it too. It was _also_ one of those alleys that sent goosetickles up your spine in hopes of not getting stabbed, mugged and dying. Doesn't matter which order those are in.

Guess what I did though. _Oh stop it you~,_ cmon guess.

I followed the damn unicorn into a beatnik alley. That's what I did. And what happened afterward, which involved surprise, horror, appalation, and quite the amount of brain bleach, you can guess why I sometimes find Equestria to be weird.

No, not just weird. Fascinating. And not even that, Equestria is just… Magical.

O.o.O.o.O

 **A/N**

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	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

Alright, so quick recap. Shining disappeared, I followed. Simple. Except, I followed him into a most-majorly-movie evil-villain-I'm going-to-kill-you-when-you-turn-around kind of alley.

So yeah.

The alley was cramped, conspicuous in every sense, and held that all to familiar musk of trash. If you could reimagine your high school gym, and put all of what I'm seeing inside of it, then to the case of my metaphoric failure, it would be filled to the brim. And for some underrated and random reason, I had thought to believe that my feet were squelching against rain leftovers, but instead, I found out that it was instead dumpster liquid. Yes sir, that green icky slime that dumpsters leak when liquid trash seeps to the bottom. Next, the dumpster gets a hole, and idiots, such as I, walk into it and realize that we must burn _**everything**_.

But for me, my state of mind was fractured, and I was torn between cutting my foot off, or just burning the shoe. _Cue me inhaling half of the menthol in a quick breath…_ Keeping both seems better for my health but bad for sanity. I guess it didn't help us, _me,_ at all that the sun was constantly bearing down on this place, allowing the stench to actually _rise_ to my nose. And I did crinkle it in dismay.

So I persevered and moved on. My goal was at hand, to find Shining. Otherwise I wouldn't be allowed back into the castle, and my poor ass would be speared on sight. Not that I didn't detest the factor of receiving a one way ticket out early, but I did like my ass.

My feet cautiously crept through the sticky situation, simultaneously swerving several stinky serpables, my sight, seeing Shining sneaking superbly. That is, until I scared the living bejeezus out of him.

I mean honestly, if he wanted to be sneakier, he could've used his magic and conjured up a illusion spell or something. That's what I would've done. (This isn't Skyrim though, so really, nobody cares at this point).

He'd been ducking from dumpster to dumpster, avoiding something that I was missing at the time. Apparently, it was some sort of "shadow" that had been tailing this shop owner, _who'd just so happened to take out his trash_ , and gave Shining an open chance to view from afar.

Like I said, until I scared the bejeezus outta him.

"SHINING, THE TOAST IS INVADING!"

 _ **CLONK**_

"BUCK! Out of all the-..." See what happened was, little Armour over here had found a little peeping hole, and had peeped his peeper into the hole of peeping, (not that peeper… fucking… bastards). Premise was that he clonked his noggin on a metal piece, which in turn made the most obvious, _There's someone behind you_ , sound available.

Crazily enough, either the guy was deaf, or a bit dumb, but that orange dude didn't exactly take notice.

So yeah. Shining turned with a hoof clutching the boo-boo and a most dead face imaginable once he realized it was just me. We stared at each other for a minute, me with a half-lidded shit eating grin and he with a moreover… 'I'm going to kill you slowly' kind of look.

Its funny. That actually what he said after he hoofed me in my shin.

"What the buck's wrong with you?! You just…" He looked over the dumpster he had called a hiding spot and sighed with relief, "You _almost_ cost me something important!"

Since he was all hush hush, and both of us were clutching something in pain, I realized a little of the severity in this issue and grunted softly, "Yeah well, punch me next time you're going somewhere without me. You're my ticket in and out of Celestia's palace."

Shining rolled his eyes and ushered for me to stay low, "Fine. Just… Shut up for a moment."

Ass…

"What're you even doing out here anyway? Thought we were heading back to the castle." I commented slowly, peering out beside Shining.

There was some stallion who indeed, was taking out his trash. His coat was a brilliant fiery orange, and mane was almost a pinkish hue. Almost. Now, Shining said with a stalwart tone, "We were. But…" He clicked his teeth, "... And this is a pretty big 'but'…"

I had to hold in the snicker of childishness, and _failed_ , allowing Shining to flick my nose in irritation, "Thought I saw something bad. And I'm thinking that bad is about to happen."

I nodded once, "Riggghhttt… And that bad is?"

Shining clamped my mouth shut, and gestured to the stallion, who at the time we hadn't noticed at first, was freaking out over something. His eyes were wide in shock, and mouth agape in a simplistic horror. And from where _we_ were, We only saw his shape go out of sight from our hole, and another shape emerge from the trash.

 _Almost_ started humming the 'Star Wars' theme. Keyword being almost because, one, Chewie and Han were nowhere in sight, and two, I was too scared to actually move my vocal cords to hum the tune. (C'mon, think about it)

We only got to see what this _thing_ did. I use _thing_ in such an italicized way in monument towards the unlying factor of how I didn't know what the hell to call _it_. Looked like a bug, but was a pony. Had a horn on top of its head, but had wings to call the shots of flying. As ponies had fur to keep their bosoms warm, the only thing this _thing_ had on it, was a glossy sheet of chitin like armor.

Quite frankly, I saw something move earlier, but never commented on it because, what has blue eyes, and is about to rape a guy taking out garbage? Answer? This _thing_.

Its fangs, (yes fangs), glistened harshly in the afternoon lighting, and to my ever growing sense of unease, it had casted some spell in the direction of where the stallion had last been seen.

Poof. Literally. That's the only sound that we heard besides the stallions last scream of _What are you,_ before it was abruptly cut off with a blast of green.. Now, I would've been freaking out, if I had thought that this would've been it. You know, a weird bugpony rises from the trash, (Probably sent by Satan), claims a soul, and then _BACK TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL DOTH IT GO!_ But in a sense, yes, it did claim a soul. _To our knowledge._

We couldn't go around taking guesses as to what is happening. But Shining and I were two seconds away from leaping over the pile of oddities. For now, though, we stayed put, fear put us in place because of the mercilessness the creature had just dealt, watching in raspy breaths as the bug casted another spell.

There was a blinding green light, and then nothing. But you can bet your ass, that both Shining and I both simultaneously shat our briches witnessing that act.

It changed.

No. Nononono. Listen. Hear that? Okay, write this down, _THE BUG TOOK THE GUYS SHAPE._

Look, I can see magic, shrug it off and go about my day now, because magic is magic. You can't explain that crap without receiving an aneurysm twice. What I saw, wasn't magic. It was like, a first-person-Overwatch-kinda special ability.

The fucker was like Mystique off of X-men. Minus the overall bust and charismatic knuckle sandwich-to-face looks. We didn't, and weren't, looking at a creature anymore. Instead, it was the shop owner that had just been blasted off to Neverland. Second star to the unknown, straight on till nothing.

What made it even more ghastly, was the thing's change of attitude. With its magic, it picked up a bag of trash that the pony before him dropped, and placed it into a nearby bin, whistling as it did so.

Then, it simply opened the shop door, and closed it just as briefly.

Cue the freak out in three, two, one…

"Oh my god! Look at that mark on the ground!"

Shining stumbled from the trash and waved his horn around, "I can't sense his trail Tick!"

I knelt down and flailed my arms, "Because the bitch got burnt! Talk about a heated battle man!"

Shining agreed slightly, "Invalid information! Brain, can't… Compute!"

I noodled around the alley, "Whatdowedowhatdowedo?"

Shining ended up shaking his head profusely, using his moments to revert to caveman like instincts, grunting his answer as he trotted around,

"We just… MM… MM-MM, NOPE."

I resorted to what is now known as, Fluffle farts, "Pffbbbtt!?"

Shining twirled on his hoof and went to the spot we last saw the poor bastard and upon seeing it, his muzzle caved in on itself and he went back to denial,

"Nononononononono. NO."

I softly blew a raspberry as I drew in the charcoaled spot, hoping that my farts of passion would ease the damned soul, "pffbtt…."

Shining tapped the ground, biting his lip as I stared at the spot where there was a pony sized crater. And with a fluid motion he grasped my shoulder, saying quickly, "We gotta tell Princess Celestia."

"Pbbt- I mean, we do?" I asked, unsure about what to do with this. I mean, _just witnessed a pony get vaporized, have his form stolen, and then that menace who took his form took out his trash then went to own his place_. _No biggie or nothing._

"Yeah?! Why would we not tell her?!"

I gulped and looked at the blackened ground, "Well… For starters, that thing knew what it was doing." Rubbing my chin I groaned, "God, how do we even explain this?"

Shining tugged me along, "We tell her the whole thing! Simple!"

O.o.O.o.O

"... What?"

Shining blinked and haphazardly stumbled over his words, "We-well you see Princess…"

"Did you actually _see_ this happen, Shining?"

"Well sort of-"

Celestia leaned forward slightly, "As a ruler, there is no, 'sort of's-' nor 'maybe's-'. There is only yes or no. Did you see this pony relinquish his life? Or not."

Shining gulped, tilting his head slightly downward, "N-no… your highness. We did not."

We? Oh bull honkey. I'm just the innocent bystander in all this.

"Tick, do not believe I haven't forgotten of you. You aren't just a innocent bystander in all this, so don't think that you are getting away clean." Said the mind reading, magic using, throne sitting, seat warming… Pony… trollishly glaring at me from her golden grethorn spot.

She just like, read my mind. And was grinning about it too! SUCH ARROGANCE!

I merely sniffed, "Oh how posh of you to believe such a thing. I shall have you know, I was once considered a ruler where I came from. And such remarks would receive a one way trip to the headman's block."

Several guards consciously rubbed their necks and gulped. But Celestia didn't. Oh no. She saw through _all_ of that bullshit, "Yes, ruler of your thoughts, and good ideas were the ones punished. Please, for the sake of all things good, **leave**. I, at the moment, am dealing with something crucial, and it requires silence."

Sucking in my pride, dignity and clenching my ass with a force of Duke Nukem, I added before she could, "Something of which I don't have."

"Quite, I still need to prepare our feast, and see to our discussion following dinner." Celestia directed her gaze to Shining, "As for you," Upon hearing this, Shining's ears dropped a smidge, but rised slowly as Celestia continued,

"I won't forget this, but I also won't believe it either. That doesn't mean you can't take matters into your own hooves. Personally we advise you to do so."

Shining smiled and took a bow, "Of course Princess."

I chuckled and shook my head, "Talk about a buzzkill, have a good one Celly." Leaving with a smoke in mouth, and mouths other than mine dropped, was well worth it all.

I carried myself out the huge doors, and watched them close with the slow, but great awe that only castle doors have. They shut, with a deafening click, causing me to grunt in amusement softly.

Things went my way for a smidge. Twas silent, nice little things to knacker with here and there, stirred some shit up with a few of the guards, and ended it with smacking face first into a wall. While smoking. Which, if you don't get it, is a double whammeh.

Personally, I didn't even mean too, I was too busy walking on a catwalk that overlooked Canterlot itself. Fuck… How did I even get on the catwalk?!

Anyway… The little tangible walking spot was about… I have to say your average apartment space upwards, and was as wide as one of those college catwalks. But it didn't have the window coverage that your overage walkthrough had. It was open, spacious, and stone!

On one side, beheld by all, lay Canterlot. It was there that I was graced by the height of the castle, and was able to glance around the pony society that was so alien to someone as me. On the other, were training grounds.

It was weird, because I don't think it would be called a catwalk, if I insisted the portion I was on, actually was connected to the stone wall. It curved around the mountainside, and allowed me to glance in two directions, as mentioned before.

Frankly, it was great, let me tell you. I'd be snapping photos left and right _if_ my phone still worked. But that's in the past, and right now, it was the present. Had to constantly focus on the future… Which was in front of me, which also, just so happened to be the training grounds for several very physical, very flighty, and very… _Very_ magical…. Did I mention physical?

I mean, dear _god,_ I've seen horses in real life. Seen rodeos and shit like that to where horses fight back. But until you've seen a pony, one of the smaller, more peaceful creatures that you'd at the last moment see punch _another pony_ in the face? Yeah, let's just say I was interested.

I turned on heel and walked to the overlook, popping a smoke right then and there. And like I said, there were many who were training at that moment, sporting in such a way to use physical, flight, and magical attacks.

They were having a spar, probably, to attain their shape and skills, and on top of that, to most likely show off to the captains that were observing the OP bastards. I say OP, because OP to most means, Over Powered. To me, it can mean multiple things, like, Over Protective, Overly Perfect, Obstinately Pissy… you get the point right?

Well yeah, these guys _and gals_ , were extremely… All of those. If you don't accept that fact, lemme break it down for you. A fireball.

Now, a fireball, is what it's called. A legitimate _fire_ - _ball._ Combined with a couple of drinks, and you get the popular alcoholic beverage, _fire_ ball. It's good. Should try it sometime. Unless you're like… underage. Then don't try it… It's quite… _Spicy_.

Anyway, in magical standards, I want to say that a fireball is an Amateur spell. Was used in Skyrim as an Apprentice spell. What happens, is, upon contact, the ball wraps around its victim, like a cocoon, and engulfs them in god knows what amount of heat. The end result is death. Anywhere, anytime.

 _HA, WRONG._

For whatever reason, the damn logic sense of Equestria wants to mindfuck me even more into believing that the ponies here are indestructible. I mean really. Unless you Igneel, or hell, Natsu, _PONIES NOR PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING_ _ **EAT FIRE.**_

One its not natural, and two, it probably gives you the worst shitting experience of your life.

Regardless, I'm also beginning to think, that the different species, like Earth Pony and Unicorns, are susceptible to different things. Like for example, I just witnessed a fireball attack a pegasus. The end result was a charred victim. _Don't know if he's okay, don't care._

Now, when the Earth pony got hit, it was like looking at a badass getting shot by a flamethrower. Except said badass, ate the flame like the badass in the badass crater of badassitude.

Torgue: _**MOTHERF**KERS!**_

It was eye opening, and gave me a whole new respect for these ponies. Gotta remember to not piss off any of them either. (Lest I wish to be the newest pothole)...(or in their terms of cursing, _**plothole**_ )

The pony was charred, yes. But get this, the damn body armor was the only thing burnt to a charcoal.

So like said before, I watched the matches. Seeing different pairings and watching the different species become resistant to others. Turns out, Earth Ponies might be resistant to Unicorn magic, _to an extent_. Bet they still get hella hurt, but aren't fazed by it as much as a Unicorn, or Pegasus would be.

From where I was, it sounded like a bunch of ants were farting, and shouting different things like, ' _Your form isn't good 'nuff_ ', ' _try harder!_ ', ' _AHHH, THATS A WARFACE, NOW LEMME SEE YOUR WARFACE'._

My side about split open from me cracking up. It was in good fun, I'll say in my defense, but I did feel a smidge sorry for the poor bastards breaking their backs out there in the field.

I took a drag and leaned on the railing. The sound of clopping reached my ears a fraction I exhaled, and it took me a few seconds to register who was passing by me. I mean, give me credit guys, come on, I've only been here what, a few days? Still trying to get used to my eyes becoming beacons of hellfire from looking at the color schemes.

It was Cadence. Mi Amour Candeza, if you people prefer royalty terms. Fact, Mi Amour Cadenza actually means, ' _My Love, Cadence_ ', so to be blunt, it shouldn't be a royal name at all. It honestly sounds like a nickname made up by two lovestruck ponies. OH WAIT.

Right, the facts. (Bastards…*coughcough*)

Fact number two, Cadence, is a grade A bi-

 **As a message from Twilight, Please refrain from reading what Tick put above, Cadence is a loving, caring, compassionate-**

Ey, EY, **EY!** Back off.

 _As I was saying._ I now know Cadence because of her fiancé, Shining. Shining went into full gossip mode after we spoke with Rig and such. He said she was nice, I called bullshit, he hit me in the face, I cried, end of story.

 _Now,_ I don't know if it was her attitude, or maybe she was always having a bad day, but it was the princess of, _OH THOSE WERE YOUR EYEBALLS?!, Damn. Sorry bro_ **,** And she had a very bad habit of pestering those with ill hearts.

Turns out, she is the princess of love. Yeah. So that little remark I made about Shining being Cupid? Fuck that. I'm staring at the genderbent version of him right here. _Minus_ the diaper and bow plus arrow.

"Good afternoon human."

I immediately answered, "Why do you and Luna insist on calling me that. Should I just walk up to you while you're sipping on your succulent fucking tea and say, Good Afternoon, Horse?" Seriously. Pissing me off. Stops right here.

Cadence looked cross for a moment, "I never heard your name when we were introduced. I could refrain from calling you that, but for the moment, I feel as though it is the better pronunciation."

I blew my tounge, "Ppffbt, whatever. What do you want." Wasn't a question, it was a direct, statement.

Cadence shrugged with her wings, which was a creative way to do with a pony, "What do _you_ want?"

Felt like I smacked a wall there, it was a statement, and she just like… Reverted me back to, Amagad status, "I just… asked… sh-, how does that even work?"

Cue the wing shrug. So I sighed and rubbed my face, " _If_ you must know, all I need is peace. And quiet." I turned and raised a brow, "Did I mention I don't want to see anymore ponies?"

Cadence chuckled, "You have. Many times as Celestia has told me."

Ah yes… Heatwave… Or maybe Sunbutt? Eh… I'll come up with a better nickname for her later, "Yeah well, you have no idea how weird this is to me right now,"

Cue the cocky response, "You'd be surprised human."

 _For Shining… And for Rarity, I shall refrain… From slapping a ho…_ , "Please. Dear Hesus,.. Call me Tick."

"Ah! Like the parasite!"

I held my hands out, "OR LIKE THE CLOCK? YOU KNOW, TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK?!"

Cadence merely stifled a failed attempt of laughter as I meandered my head into palm, "I don't want to live on this planet anymore. I mean really. You ponies are seriously, _Ticking_ me off."

Cadence smiled, "Its all in good fun. We grow on you, that's for sure."

I muttered under my breath as Cadence shuffled to my side, "Yeah… You're like fungi…"

"Fun guy? That's Shining actually, I'm more of a-"

I nearly broke her damn neck, "IT TWAS A METAPHOROCAL PHRASE WOMAN! Jesus Christ!" I slumped into my arms, "Can I just have a peaceful evening? Away from everyone? Maybe an afternoon… Morning would be nice too."

Cadence grinned, "Only if you say _please~_ "

Like the Element of Generosity, it is a Rarity for me to become angry. Really. I'm like totes serious. Most the time, I'm about half-serious. I take life as a big joke, there, I said it. I'm one of those people, that you would pass by, and probably comment on the fact that I have a grin on my face most of the time.

 _Why the fuck is he smiling?_

What? Am I not allowed to?

So yeah, the fact that the majority of pony population tends to grind my gears in every way possible isn't enough, its when they use sarcasm against me, do I get pissed.

I answerer with no emotion, "You do know humans are very capable of reading minds, and destroying them, yes?" I continued as Cadence giggled under breath, unknown to my sudden anger, "How about, I assault your mind, call it a day, and blame your insanity on a pickle. That sounds like an awesome plan."

Cadence merely looked out to the training groups with a broad smirk, "Indeed it does. Say, what is that over there?" Said the princess of ass.

Like the gullible bastard I am, I broke half my neck looking at a wall, and then back to the pinkish golden cloud of Cadence herself, "Wha- OH YOU-, WAIT WHAAAA?! **CADENCE!** " Yeah. I was pretty pissed.

O.o.O.o.O

Alright, so let me skip ahead like… Five hours. Why? Because if I told you that I sulked in my room face down in the pillow for _three hours,_ this wouldn't be called a story, and it would probably be a very bad journal entry. Probably be like… A crap-entry. Anyway,

I decided to wait out the meal that was going to be served for us in two hours, and took a shower whilst doing so.

The following events are portrayed by real actors and by audiences… This is my story.

 _ **Dun-Dun**_

So I hopped in the shower with the speed of _Speedeh Gonzalez_ , (No that's not how you actually spell his name…), and I felt more at peace. Why? Well you remember that time Fluttershy caught sight of my ass? So do I. She isn't here, and I am in my own private incursion.

Honestly, I want to fist pump, but I cant 'cus she's a pony…which by the way, makes me die a little everytime I remember that. On top of having my soul crushed at not seeing her again, which is a punishment for me and probably a miracle for her, its everytime I recall that event, it's like that scene from the SpongeBob movie, y'know?

 **BALD, BALD, BALD, BALD, MY EYES.**

Yeahhhhhh… Like Yoda would say, The cringe is strong with this one.

Oh but hey, I was taking my first peaceful shower in the five day span of being in Equestria. Which was cool because this shower was way more sophisticated than the one Fluttershy had. Yes, I'm throwing shots out because of the things that occurred in her house, please do me a favor and if you are angry, take it up with my imaginary friend, Philbert.

It was like, a hot tub basically. Except it filled with water via a spicket on the top, and a faucet on the sides. The tub did have seats though, so you can imagine, that I was kicking back and trying my hardest to relieve the smell of horse from my lavishly grotesque form.

I swear though, its like… The water is magic. Its not to hot, its not to cold. Its just so godly good that I can't help bit waste the liquid at an alarming rate as I do usual cleaning necessities. Waste over twenty minutes in a five minute space out, and realize an hour later that you've been in too long. Shampoo hair, condition it, maybe use that weird watermelon smelling shit in the corner… No… They wouldn't be able to tell the differ- Oh what the hell am I saying? They're ponies.

The cleaning products were named, Mane and Tail cleaning. Fortunately, I didn't have a tail, but in respects, I did have hair. Which was technically a, 'Mane'. So I flirted my locks with the gooey substance and orgasmed over the smell of French Vanilla.

Let me say that… Again.

 _French_.

 _Vanilla_.

That's like, the ultimate sexy word. Imagine saying that to one of your lovers, (If you have one), softly into their ears,

" _...hey…_ _ **French… Vanilla…**_ _"_

If its one of those things I like, the smell and taste of said flavor, is one of them. Never ceases to amaze of how awesome the smell is actually. Hell, it can be on a Hefty Garbage bag and I wouldn't get tired of it.

I actually think that's a thing, and it scares the crap out of me that I know that…

But regardless, I was Jolly as a Roger when I stepped out of the steaming shower, being able to dry off slowly was one of the best things to happen since I took that 'happy shit'. I wrapped the towel against my neck and stepped in front of the mirror to gaze at my visage.

 _Need to shave. Immediately._

Mm… Quite. Beard is setting in due to high stress levels. That and I might be having a heart attack here soon. Just got a hot and cold heat flash… Maybe that was the fact that I just stepped from the shower…

Anyway, I dried my hair and exited the bathroom.

"Sir, the meal is in a few h-OH GREAT CELESTIA!"

I froze and put up a kung fu stance, ready to snap a bitch in half, "WHO GOES THERE!? I AM TRAINED IN THE ART OF COWARDICE!" See, I left the towel on my face, so I didn't know that it was Moon Dust until to late. Poor bastard… Probably will never be able to see again, hell, I COULDN'T SEE. But nobody cares at this point. So,

"I uh… I'm… W-well you see…"

I ripped the towel from my face and waved it around, "Show yourse- oh. Hey Moon."

Moon stood there with a blush, "Heh… Hi?"

Blush? In a room? After a shower? Why? Oh shit wait… AM I NAKED!? ERMAGERD, CLOOOTTHHINNGGG!

"Ah yeah… Uh… Look, Moon, you kinda caught me in a moment."

Moons eyes raked me up and down, "Yes.. I an quite see that."

Slightly embarrassed, I frowned and covered myself, pointing after I had been secured, "State your business please."

Moon Dust blinked those orange set of eyes and cleared her throat, "Her Majesty would like to remind all guests that the meal will begin shortly."

Wait, I thought I had more time… Shit. How long was I in the shower? Eh, probably a longer time than I like because of how first classy it was. Who could blame me though,

"Alrighty. I'll get prepared to eat with Mistress Sunbeam."

"Mistress Sunbeam?"

I blinked, "Yeah. Y'know. Celestia. Its her nickname. Sunbeam. Would've called her Sunbutt, but I feel as though that has already been used…"

Moon raised a brow, "Okay? Did you uh… Need anything?"

I nodded whilst showing her the door, "Yes. Peace and quiet, followed up by fucking privacy. Learn to knock, and we should get along in the future, NOW SHOO!"

I shut the door to my room with minimal effort and breathed in, "Okay. Gotta eat with a magical creature… Make sure you look presentable." Now… Should I comb my hair this way… Or that?

To the side looks nice. Now about my attire…

I have to hand it to Rarity, she outdid herself in doing the nice button up long sleeve. It was a mixture of blue and yellow, and looked absolutely badass when combined with the almost golden pants. I was good on socks, and of course had my two differently colored shoes. Now all I needed was to put them on…

So that's what I did. Got the task done in about fifteen minutes and cleared my record for trying to do something in top time. Now, upon exiting my room and into the overly large hall, I was met with the six ponies of doom.

Not the… Horses of Apocalypse assholes… Talking about the six ponies of like, _my doom_. Goes by the names of fictional characters. But, before I roast them because of what they've done, I want to comment on what they did _**now**_.

All were dressed in a self simplistic dress, most of them symbolizing their primary colors, or maybe just of occurring their state of mind. Like, Pinkie had candy on her dress. That kind of mind.

Rainbow had a rainbow dress, Twilight wore a scholarly star gazing dress (one of which I was lost in), Rarity had some fancy schmancy dress I could care less about, Applejack wore a country style _rodeo_ wear, Fluttershy blew me away with a simple butterfly dress… And Pinkie?

...Well let's just say that Pinkie looked pretty sweet in her gown.

"Tick? Wow. You clean up pretty good." Said Fluttershy.

 _Oh stop it you~,_ "Hey, don't try and belittle me with compliments." I said with a furrowed, yet humorous brow, "But thank you. I tried. You girls look no worse for wear. Nice dresses."

All blushed slightly, (Kill me please), Twilight being the one to smile, "Thanks. We were just waiting on Shining to get us. Who, by the way, I heard you already met him and Cadence?"

I sighed, "Yes. I got into some trouble with Shining just a few hours ago, and I'm about to find trouble with Cadence if she pesters me any longer."

Applejack held a hoof out, "Woah, woah. What kinda trouble?"

All looked at me as I shrugged, "Really though, I doubt that if I told you, you'd believe me. Celesta sure as hell didn't. And she's the most caring out of anyone here to my knowledge."

Twilight raised another brow, "What did my brother do this time."

"Okay, hold up, rewind, _booowalooololololo,_ Brother? Shining? Say whaaaa?" I said with a upturned lip.

Twilight cocked her head, "He didn't tell you?"

I snorted, "He just mentioned you here and there. I dunno, maybe? Probably wasn't paying attention though."

Well Pinkie sure as hell cheered me up, "You pay for attention? * _Gasp*_ You must be like… A quadbittionare!"

Cue the chorus of snickers. Thank you Pinkie,

"Right. Uh… Well Shining and I saw some guy vaporized." I held thumbs up with a false smile, "And then someother pony take his form. Now, like I said, its kinda cringey to hear, but hey, fuck you, it happened."

"Took his form? I didn't think that you could do that…"

I chuckled, "I didn't do it. Some weird bug did. Freaked Shining out hella."

Fluttershy gulped, "W-what about you?"

YES. ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THIS. Okay, okay. Step one, take out cigarette, step two, light it, step three, inhale and exhale some smoke, and then finale time!

"I was just… There."

All five let out a 'oh' and Pinkie was the one to say, 'ah'. Rainbow was the only one unfazed because she blew a piece of her styled ponytai-

… Oh my god I think I just shat myself… is that where we get the phrase from?

 _Mind_

 _Blown_

Anyway, Rainbow blew a piece of her ponytail away, letting out a small snort, "Very impressive Tick. What happened next?"

I shrugged for the third time in a five minute period, "Told Celestia." I let out a gaming grump, "...Like I said, she didn't believe us."

Rarity sniffed, "Yes, although it would make for quite a story, I just don't see a… Pony… Doing such a thing."

Maybe because its unheard of… Don't get me wrong, I'm betting these ponies do see a lot from the mindset of me. Like Dragons, (Actually, did Spike come? No? Damn. That sucks.) And other things that are fictionary in our world. But they haven't seen anything violent. Everything that lives here, Is like the world of Peter Rabbit. All happy and go fun sunshine! Nothing to serious happens.

But I did hear something about Discord. Which couldn't be a coincidence. Probably one of those stupid author plot twists where, _Oh shit! Dream about Discord? Gasp, here he is!_ It goes to my mind that these six actually kicked his ass, after theirs had been kicked first.

Kudo points to Hufflepuff.

Where did I get such information? Answer is Shining again, ladies and gents. Who is now… Galloping towards us… And showing no signs of slowing down…

"Oh… Tick!... Twily!... Girls!... Whew…" He stopped in front of us, fully garbed in his Captain uniform. Not the armor, but the actual like, navy kinda uniform,

"Okay. Tick… Need you to come with me real quick."

I questioned, "I swear, whatever I did, I didn't do."

If this was about the Pegasi dorm having a pile of shit in the middle of the floor, I'm going to throw myself out the window.

Shining shook his head and looked at me with pleading eyes, "Tick, if you know where Cadence is, please tell me."

I held my hands up, "Woahwoahwoahwoahwoah. Woah. _Woah_." I pointed after I had gained his attention, "I didn't do nothin to Cadence. Other than about strangulate her throat in anger for her damn logic sense."

Shining forcefully got out, "Well then where is she?!"

"How would i know?!" I said with a shrug.

Shining sighed loudly and twirled around with his hoof in mouth, "In case you haven't guessed then, Cadence is gone."

There was a chorus of gasps, followed by me raising a brow as I inhaled some more minty cancer, "Maybe she's just taking a walk?"

Shining shook his head, looking at me with fear, "While screaming?"

Wait… What scr-

 _ **AAAAHHHHH**_

Oh. That one.

Well fuck me sideways and call me a open window. If that isn't a bad cliché for a horrible entry, then I don't know what is.

O.o.O.o.O

 **A/N:**

 **So… We meet again dear readers… For a long time I sat back in my room, pondering how to do this chapter, and I have finally gotten a way to do it…**

 **So yeah. See if you can guess where this is heading actually, because I got hella funny plans for ahead. Just been putting this chapter off cuz I've been coming up with Halloween Costume ideas.**

 **Like a Cereal Killer… (Which is basically me with a cereal box with a knife stabbed in it)**

 **Or Batman… (Which is me prancing about my neighborhood with a baseball bat)**

 **Green Lantern… (Took a lampshade and wrapped green duct tape around it)**

 **You get the point, (I'm poor as hell)**

 **NOW, here is where** _ **you**_ **come in. Yell at me, call me a lazy bastard, but I have my reasons for the two week chapter late ass update.**

 **Regardless,** _ **review, favorite,**_ _ **follow**_ _ **,**_ **and I sincerely hope I put a grin upon your face with the humor.**

 **Actually, put in your review, if it needs more humor, more storyline, or just stay course.**

 **Regardless, I am waiting patiently for your responses people.**

 **Keep on Derping!**

 _ **PS: over three thousand views! Ermagerd!**_


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**

 _Chroma The Harvester_ **\- Hey, you gotta end Tick first. He asked it before you did!**

 _tyrantOFathens-_ **Its so funny because its relatable!... And maybe because y'all are so d*** awesome!**

 _Dimitri Petrenko_ **\- The… Derp who goes by many names… Life's gud, got a new editor, working on the comedical placement and just waiting for that 100th review.**

 _dragondonavin_ **\- Okay! I have a totally reasonable excuse for this chappys lateness!**

 ***inhales* Time teleporting aliens.**

 **No. I'm like. Dead ass serious.**

 **So y'all at the end!**

Chapter 12:

" _Oh come on… Pleeeaaasssseeee?" Jackie asked for like, the umpteenth time. Naturally, I declined with a subtle, "No." And she berated me even more with the deadly persona of…_ _ **The Cute**_ _. Granted, I buckled under the weight of her teal eyes, and sighed with a vengeance, swerving the car we were in so we could go to the damnable carnival place, but know that being cute, can topple mountains and destroy the most sturdiest of men_

 _I'm not a very sturdy man, nor am I a mountain. So please, don't laugh._

 _The carnival was your average Gopher. Y'know, go for this, then you go for that, just a few simple rides here and there, and everyone's favorite, the Ferris Wheel. Well, we parked into the lot and got out to speculate whether or not we wanted to go in._

 _Quite frankly, I was scared sh-ytless of clowns, and Jackie… Her with her… Ginger-No-Soul… was legitimately afraid of nothing. And no. I'm not a ginger, people. I'm a brunette thank you very much._

 _Jackie hopped out of the small vehicle and pointed immediately, "I wanna ride the teacups."_

 _I laughed, "Pfft-Yeah. That's all you squirt."_

 _She then looked at me with hollowed eyes, "You're coming with me."_

 _My...soul…NEEEEWWWWW, "Alright fine! Jeezus… Can't I like, go get fat eating a hotdog while you piddlefart your way around this stupid place?"_

 _Jackie giggled, (Which threw me into a,_ _ **I thought she was gunna kill me**_ _, loop), "C'mahn… Ya know ya wanna do it."_

 _I kinda don't. Can't I have a say in this?_

" _No. Before you do it, you can't have a say in it."_

 _I threw my finger out, "YOU ARE A DEMON!"_

 _Jackie all but winked at me, "Race ya to the teacups."_

 _And then she took off like a bat outta hell. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if she actually were a bat outta hell either. But that's Jackie. Tiny Sister/Demon child/Other Bane of my existence._

 _Our relationship, was based solely on, either you give me this, or I will take it… With my cuteness. And I loved her for it._

 _O.o.O.o.O_

" _Woah! I can see the Ferris Wheel doing loop-de-loops!" Jackie commented, tittering as she did twirls from how dizzy we were. Me? I was still strapped in the ride looking like an ass with a corkscrew for a head,_

" _Oh…that's great..._ _ **hurghh!…**_ _lets uh… Let's not ride the teacups again…"_

 _Jackie landed on her tush with a smile of genuine content, "Alright. Fine. Hey! How about one of those cool little games where you win something silly?"_

 _I tried checking my watch, but it was like the clock was slapping me in my face, so I made up an excuse, "Look Jackie… Dad needs us home in a little bit. Might have to start heading that way."_

 _But her response was quick, "Eh. It's like a few minutes away! One game." She finished with a finger held up._

 _Dammit… Me and my… "You talked me into coming in here… Talked me into riding the teacups…" I sighed as I stood wobbly, "What's one game, then. Fine. You pick."_

 _Jackie frowned with determination. Honestly, it looked like that rage face. But that was just my two cents, "I want to play that one. Please?"_

 _I like how she added please at the end of it. Anyone ever notice how like, your belly swims with awe when someone says please? I mean, unless they're trying to ask for money. Then that's when I get pissed._

 _Jackie had collectively screwed my day when she gestured to the simple game of,_ _ **Hit The Balls!**_

 _Oh stop being dramatic might you say? Well take it into consideration that I'm not a very good thrower. Case in point, when we stepped up to the plate to play, the guy who operated the game specifically told us to, aim straight._

 _My aim was a like a bendy straw. End result was Jackie's targets knocked over, and a very mad sister. But, (and this is where I become awesome), although we lost, Very badly, I helped Jackie earn her prize. There were stuffed tigers, a few koala bears, there was even a panda thrown into the mix._

 _Jackie, wanted the pony hanging all alone on the stand. Don't question her logic. Seriously don't. Actually, don't even try to guess as to why the vendor had the thing hung up. I felt like I was Gru off of Despicable Me, and Jackie was Agnus… How do you even spell her nam-_

 _Anyways, I technically won the pony, so yeah, fuck off. And while you're at it, bring me the brother of the year award, it'll make me feel even more brattish. So, sister picked up the Unicorn from my hands and just stared at it. Seriously expected her to scream,_ _ **It's So Fluffy!**_ _, but it didn't happen, so now is the time to say 'aww…'. No. Instead, she poked its nose, allowing it to let out a humorous squeak._

 _Afterwhich, she smiled, flipped it in her hands and after looking at me, Jackie let out the most adorable-_

 **AHHHHHHHH!**

O **.** o **.** O **.** o **.** O

Why is it, that suddenly I'm getting the chills? I've never had a moment to date, as to where I felt my blood run icy. It was as though we were in a horror flick, and someone just got murdered in front of us. Albeit could be a scream has the same effect as seeing death, but the two are pretty close.

On top of that, I'm suddenly getting vivid flashbacks of my sister for some unapparent reason. Which is extremely awkward, and a very sore subject to bring up. And why _that_ memory above all others? It could've been the time I rode with her to school, or maybe the one when it was us as a family.

I guess in definition, I only got to see most of what I wanted to see. It was like I was Isaac Clarke off of Dead Space, and I only saw half off the video. And for those of you who remember that scare of a game, get the reference of why I couldn't bear to see what happened after that.

Shining had reacted first amongst the eight of us, taking off in a frenzy of calling out for his, to newly be wed. I put out the smoke I was inhaling and followed suit, pointing at the shocked ponies to stay put for the time being. Of course they wouldn't listen, but if worse came to worse, at least I'd save them the time to see something their innocent minds wouldn't be able to comprehend.

Trying to keep up with Shining was like trying to follow the episodes of Naruto, which confused me, and threw me into several loops as to where I would be wandering on a floor and look to my left to see Shining climbing some stairs.

Speaking of stairs… I must confess sincerely, that for a smoker such as I, trying to even attempt a feat of castle flights, is just… Let's just say, that if it weren't for the fact that Cadence hadn't been in some sort of trouble, I would've taken my sweet ass time.

And I guess I wasn't the only one hating it, as per there were a few of the assembled guards taking to the stairs via magic and or flight. For the earth ponies, I give my most sincerest and heartfelt pity. They stuck through the trials, and even lent me their shoulders, as I did to them. Met a new guard there named Coldhoof or a rather. Pretty heartfelt guy in the case of being lazy. If it turns out Cadence had just found a spider in her sock drawer, I might just hit this dude up sometime.

So I'll spare you the necessities and complaints I muttered to cohorts and equines as we, (We being Coldhoof and I), raced up the spiral staircase. As we'd reached the top in a backbreaking ten minutes, I ended up flopping onto the cold stone floor of the beautiful castle and heaved a simple phrase,

"I hate stairs." Coldhoof agreed, him with his nod of blue hair, and at the same time, we departed henceforth in search of why there had been something happening.

We had to elbow our way past several dark blue and yellow armored guards just to even get to a corner of where Cadence stayed. Or at least that's what Coldhoof had told me. I turned a corner after following the speckled guard and had to bite my knuckle in depression as I saw the six menaces standing there with confused looks on their faces,

"Why did you just run off?"

Well I had a question of my own, "How did you get here before I did? I like, ran a marathon getting here!"

Twilight cocked her head as if it were quite obvious, "Magic?"

I scoffed, "Oh, great. Thank you, Mistress Sparkle, for exhibiting such a clear answer. Hey, why don't you be like a normal fucking pony, and _**USE THE STAIRS**_?"

Rarity was the one to back up her friend, mostly because she shared the same genome, and was a unicorn too, "Because magic is so much easier."

I pointed at the dressed up pony, "Rarity, I will hit you with Jesus if you don't commit to silence." Magic is the… Fat persons Jedi Force. _Now watch as I levitate this remote from the table!_

Heh… Well that shut her up very quickly. Not that I disliked the probability of doing so. I just needed something to take my mind off of…

"Cadence?"

Yeah her.

"Shining?"

Oh she's okay? Good for her!

My curiosity never seems to dwindle though. Maybe a cold shower would do it in? Regardless, I found myself swerving past the six ponies in favor, and had to slowly stand on my tippy toes to see that Shining had found his fiancé.

Now, I don't know what was more surprising, the fact that Cadence was okay? Or maybe it was the look on both of their faces. Both were pretty even, and Cadence being okay was slowly gaining favor as per the shock was dying away fast.

Even I had a little confusion. Why did she scream? I mean, damn, if it really was a spider in her sock drawer, then I needed to find Coldhoof. She'd gained the attention of over half the guards in Canterlot, what was the ruckus about?

Shining tilted his permed head, "You… Okay?"

Cadence had a distant look, for a moment, which immediately died away after Shining had spoken. I could see why he would ask though, she had some hairs sprung loose, and a weird look in her eye. But other than that, her bedlamp was knocked over, which by the way, she picked up using her magic.

As the green glow encompassed the lamp, Cadence cleared her throat, "Quite. Was just frightened is all. I can see your men are ready though. You've trained them well."

Ah, the ol' topic change. Shining noticed it too, and chuckled lightly, taking a moment to look behind him with a questionable smile, "Of course… But, they only came because they were needed. I was probably first here, why did yo-"

Cadence did not miss a beat. Although she skipped Shining's, it was kinda funny seeing him interrupted, "My lamp fell over, nothing to worry about. Now if you'll excuse me."

And like a fart, she disappeared, but her attitude lingered… Twas very sour I might add evasively.

"So… Just putting it out there, did we just… Oh I don't know, get beanboozled or something? Because I'm sensing some trollish vibes emanating from her chambers." I said with a hint of concern creeping into my voice. It wasn't very often you'd find me caring. But I'm feeling as though hearing that cry of… Whatever it was, loosened a few pipes.

Shining's response was a curt, "Zip it, Tick. I'm not in the mood."

I shrugged carelessly, "Well when is anybody?"

As the guards dispersed, Shining ended up bumping past me, "When you aren't around."

Ouch. Like, for realz, ouch. I've seen it on TV, I've seen it in real life, but to have it done you, is way different than witnessing it. Way. Different. So you can imagine, that I was a bit stunned at first. But then, I realized, why should I be shocked? He's a fucking pony. Who cares right?

Eh. I've been wrong before.

Regardless, I scratched the back of my head and took out another cigarette. The dinner thing was next. And unfortunately, Cadence would be able to explain what had happened during such.

Or at least that is what I had hoped.

O.o.O.o.O

We all sat in silence. If I were to say anything about how the meal had been going, I would say that it was meant for vegetarians, and for the cooks to suck my ass. Although I wasn't a salad person, and salads are a… Mutual Relation on uneven territory, I wish… Just wish I had some chicken or bacon bits to put in the damn thing.

It was just leaves and carrots with a lemon on the side just to make the food seem fancy.

There was idle chatter between several prestigious guests, those of which I did not know. They were high in social class, based off of their tongue and garments to match. The higher ups sat around the turntable in different spots. And being the rulers of the Kingdom, Celestia and Luna sat on opposite ends.

Humored enough, Luna looked more tired than the tread on a truck. I sat about in the middle, between one of them, and next to Pinkie. Which was nice, because occasionally, I'd pass my food to her plate when she wasn't looking.

Her face=Priceless.

Every so often after seeing Pinkie blink about a thousand times, I would listen in on the conversations being thrown about. Technically, this dinner was called forth because of Celestia's nervousness towards Pride. But at the moment, it was in favor for being around friends, and cohorts of the kingdom.

"Hoity… Did you go to see the…the ahh... Oh bother, what was it called." Said an older pegasus/posh-ass. She had started talking, brainfarted, and looked over to her husband or at least I assumed, who, without looking up, commented slowly, "The Wonderbolts, dear."

Heh… Oh my god, this action of speaking, "Oh, yes! The Wonderbolts," She used her hoof to spoon some more lettuce into her dainty mouth. It was funny actually. So, imagine the Aristocats movie, right? Okay, the old lady, who owns the cats in the movie is who is speaking.

Or if you are much younger, and haven't seen such a childhood movie, imagine 'Q', from James Bond. Both are hilarious, and the dialogue was that much more to crack up about. Thankfully I didn't though.

"-It seems Spitfire has yet delighted us again this year." The older pegasus finished smiling. I mean. She's a pegasus. All pegasi are extraordinarily brash in nature. Case in point, Dash down the table. Twas odd however, she was quite quiet. Haven't heard a peep from her since we last battled verbally.

The one who the higher lady had been talking to… Hoity was it, chuckled with a nod, "Yes, she added a certain… Flare to her work. She won't admit it, but, I do believe she has a unique talent."

Hoity looked weird. Kinda set me off as a person, well in this case pony, who would yell at you if you fixed his egg wrong. But his sharp purple-velvet hair and stylishly glamorous glasses, kept my punching-in-throat urges at bay.

I piped up from my food selection, choosing this moment to cross my hands and engage myself into the inner workings, that of a conversation, "And what might that be? If you don't mind me asking of course."

Every face, EVERY FACE, turned to me. I broke **all** their necks, basing it off of just one question. I don't understand how they hadn't noticed me at first, but, now they have, and now they have a much more simpler question in mind.

However, Hoity smiled and said with a Coup de Grace, "It is that of flight, dear sir. Art captivates somepony by their eye… Or…"

I poked a fork towards the pompously dressed pony, (You can berate me later if you get that pun), "Their ear."

"Precisely!" He concerned the group with a flare, "You… Are a finder of arts, I presume?"

I smirked, "Only Musical."

There was a weird looking unicorn down the way who, at the time, I had noticed several times before in my stay in Canterlot. His name, was Fancy Pants, as Shining had greeted him before the ceremony of eating began. Now, I will say this, and only this time.

If I hear, one more fucking name like th-

"Oh? Have you heard of Octavia Melody then?"

I will let him interrupt my train of thought because of his awesome mustache. He had to have mustached me a question… Other wise I wouldn't have answered.

...Celestia answered for me,

"I'm afraid not, Fancy. Tick is new here."

Fancy looked at Celesta in surprise, "Indeed?"

Celestia snickered, "Quite. He is a peculiar one-"

Alright… I'll give her that…

"-he can be a tad squarish at times."

 _Only known me five days, and already making assumptions._ I thought whilst drowning my sorrows into my cup. And I'm not _squarish_ … Technically I'm a circle.

Celestia then decided to add with her own statement inside _her own_ cup, "But he can be trained."

Cue me spewing my delicate pony water out of my mouth and onto the pony table, across a pony face, inciting several pony gasps and causing me to think about a few gentle pony deaths.

Overall, I think I surprised everyone with that gesture, so I decided to say with a shrug, "Sorry, Forgot how to swallow."

Remember 'Q'? Oh I laughed aloud when she leaned back in her chair, stating, "I do say!"

I chuckled with a small intent of humor. Unfortunately, I feel as though Celestia meant to say that for me to hear. There was no crease for her to fold, and it was too late to ball it up, and throw it away,

"You calling me a pet?"

Shining groaned a little, "Haystacks…"

Celestia set her cup down, "I said no such thing."

"You just did."

"I did not."

"Yeah. You did."

Dash blinked, "Dude."

"Fuck off. You did."

"Did not."

"You did."

Celestia giggled, "Did not."

I pointed accusingly, "DOTH THOU DENY MINE OWN CLAIMS?!"

Celestia stood and played my game of accusing, "I DO."

"THEN WITH THE POWER WITHIN ME, I CALL THEE GUILTY!"

"UNDER WHAT CHARGE?!"

I said with gusto, "GUARDS! ARREST THIS PRINCESS!" Little known fact, there were no guards around at the time. So in principle, I made a false claim and was yelling at a furry wall.

Twilight spoke up from halfway across the table, "Tick. Seriously?"

I tossed a dirty napkin at her, watching it bounce off her nose with a squeak, "SILENCIÓ! I shall deal with you later…"

Luna also had to speak up, "Honestly came out here to eat my food… Have a good time… Wake up…"

I raised my hand in the air, "There will be time for that soon Luna! But now…" I said with glaring eyes, "I shall find a way to instill fear within Celestia."

Cadence liked the idea for some reason, "Oh! That sounds like fun!"

We all kinda looked at her as though she were an alien, which made her clear her throat in askewedness, "Uh...ahem...right…"

I was about to go back to tripping head over those things on our feet, when Celestia had just so happened to cut me off. I was disappointed for about three seconds, and realized my emotions held no sway over the ponies of Equestria. So I was at quite a moot action if I gave pouty eyes.

"That's enough."

I am throwing it on the table that those two words, (three if you count the contraction), silenced any forethought immediately, "Yes ma'am." I added with pursed lips.

Celestia smiled, but held concern as she somehow does, "I brought you here in a hurry because of something that happened a fortnight ago."

Luna added tiredly, "It was quite a page turner, that one."

I believe it was just her sleep talking, so Celestia continued, "Tick, I must ask," She leaned forward with a brow raise that Sherlock Holmes would be proud of, "Just what did you find out?"

"Oh. So I'm not in any sort of trouble."

The onlookers and pretty much everypony said, "Nay."

 _I_ almost split my ass in half trying not to laugh. So I settled on a short outburst of chuckles, and tried to contain my composure,

"P-pfft! I'm.. Heh… I'm sorry, I don't think you understand the concept of that joke…"

I received several grounding looks, and stopped quite abruptly, "Oh. Well. *ahem*, Right. So, you do know Rainbow messed her flight about a day ago right?"

Dash spoke without looking up, "Technically,"

I pointed, "Technically nothing dammit. It was funny, and you know it." Ruffling my jacket a smidge, I cleared my throat, "The story goes, Dashie took a plummet and ended up in the hospice for a day or two. Now…"

I clenched my teeth and shook my head, "There was a period of before she nose dived, and after, of where _I think_ , I saw the same pony. That's the only ermagerd in this factor for _me_."

Celestia said slowly, "Pride."

"Yes. She gave me these cigarettes." I smiled widely, "She's alright in my books." It isn't food, but hot damn.

Luna yawned, "Mm, not in ours. See, we have a bit of history with Pride."

Celestia nodded, "We don't. Our parents did."

Twilight asked studiously, "And how does this affect us?"

Celestia smiled, but underneath that pristine white fur, I could see that this was forced, "Well…" She chose her words after blinking a few times, "Tick,"

I lifted my head from slumping in my chair, "That's m' name."

"Where you come from, what are your grievances against your kind?"

Wait. What does she… "What do you mean?"

The higher ponies looked just about as confused as I did. Me probably more so, because this involved me. Not them. They were basically background noise, and I was what played them on occasion. In short, Applejack, admittedly, helped me a small amount by scratching her forehead,

"Yeah, what're ya gettin' at princess?"

Celestia sighed through her nose as she trained her eyes on me, "Alright." She then transferred her gaze to the ponies at the table, "Tick, if you haven't seen them in… How do you say, 'action', yet, then these right here are the Elements of Harmony."

I lifted a finger, "No, see, I got that. The titles and all that schmuck."

Luna giggled, "They aren't just titles. Quite literally, these six embody the spoken Elements." The princess of the night leaned forward, "Because everypony here knows the story except you, I'll make it brief."

I argued, "Did you just refer to me as-"

"Dumb? Oh very much so." Said the trollish pony, "The Elements of Harmony are what keeps us in check. Every second of the day, every minute of the hour. Whether you believe it or not, these six, hold more power than Celestia and I _combined_."

Celestia spoke up from the end of Luna's little dumb story, "It's what saved Luna from insanity."

Shining chuckled as he got into the conversation, "And they're the ones who stopped Discord."

Before anyone. ANYTHING. Could continue, I paused them with a hand raised, "Okay. That's fine and dandy. So when I'm feeling all giddy and kind, I can blame it on Fluttershy, and Pinkie. Fantastic." They thought I was finished, but I wasn't, SO HA!

"What does this have to do with Pride."

Celestia opened her mouth to say something, but was halted by Hoity and Fancy Pants standing, both excusing themselves from this moment, and taking the rest of the guests with them. So much for background noise…

"Imagine a scale. In the middle, is Equestria. On one side, you have the Elements of Harmony. Who, like Luna described, keep everypony balanced on a positive side. Anything that happens to them that is a good result is their fault," said Celestia.

I started slowly, "And on the other?"

Everyone was quiet. Which, by the way, racked all sorts of nerves, so as soon as one of us spoke, it was like blowing an airhorn up my ear canal,

"The Elements of Chaos."

Le Gasp!

Everyone was stunned, albeit Celestia and Luna because hey, you can't fucking surprise supreme leaders of a country that probably doesn't even exist. So, what I was getting, was there are Elements that counteract other Elements. At least, that was what my theory was.

As Celestia began, you could very well see everyone tense up in nervous anticipation,

"Discord, as some of you have already known, at one time almost collapsed everything we had set out to do in our immediate futures. And in one era of time, Luna and I thought that the only way to end his reign, would be to find peace in it all."

Luna sniffed, "So we decided to dig up some old stones and call them special."

Celestia snickered, "Which worked in a way, since the stones were indeed, very special. And because of such, we held the upper hoof." As she continued, the rant became more of a memory as the teller's eyes slowly became glossy, "But that secret didn't stay hidden, as per you can't hide something that big from a chaotic god."

Well put. "It actually wasn't our fault." Luna threw on the table.

Celestia sighed, "Regretfully, it cost the lives of several innocents. But not only did we find the Harmonic Stones…"

I cocked my head, "But you found the Chaotic ones too… So… Pride, is actually a Chaotic Element?"

Celestia nodded, "Yes. And has been for decades."

Twilight looked confused, and spoke because of it, "But I thought… Well you know, when a bearer passes, the Elements choose another. How come you say Pride has been one for centuries."

Interestingly enough, I could kinda see where this was going. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm just a regular guy from a depressing little Ho-dunk town in the middle of nowhere. I don't see much action, don't do shit on a daily basis, but this seemed familiar somehow.

So as she finished that little statement, I quickly put out, "Chaotic magic. Y'all bascically have the animalistic versions of the seven deadly sins..."

Eyes on me. Hate that feeling. God dammit, "Grievances against my kind… Balance. Chaos. Its unpredictable." I raised a brow, "What are the other Elements, Celestia?"

Cadence was the one to answer short mindedly, "They would be… Anger, Lust, Fear, Deception-"

Luna then ended the phrase, "Solitude and Pride."

Tick gets the pairings. Tick ships the hell out of them. Tick is really fuckiNG SCARED RIGHT NOW, "Polar opposites of Harmony."

Dash interrupted, "So how come he gets where this is going, and we're all stuck in a loop?"

I leaned back in my chair, "Because you got tricked into your almost fatal incident… Celestia, you said Pride has been… Well Pride for quite some time. Is it the same for the others?"

She nodded. Which is a bad sign. Very bad. MUCH BAD. BECAUSE ME, THE HUMAN IN THIS EQUATION, SEE'S THE DAMN HORRIBLENESS IN ALL THIS.

Pinkie grew loud, "So what's this gotta do with Tick? Any of us really?"

Celestia sucked in a breath, "Well, if you said you saw one of them the other night, and they almost killed Rainbow Dash. Then there is a fair chance that they might stir up some problems. However…"

Oh no. I don't like where this is going. See, shit got real when Celestia narrowed her eyes towards me. ME.

"Tick is the unbalanced one in this problem. You told Luna, Pride was able to interact with you. Not many ponies could walk away unscathed."

I nodded, "But I'm not a pony."

Luna raised both brows, "Rainbow Dash is."

"Yeah, but she is the Element of what-the-fuck ever. She shouldn't have been able t-" Realization in three, two, one…

Bitches don't want to stir up no trouble. Bitches want Tick.

…

…

Tick don't like the bitches…

 **O.o.O.o.O**

 **A/N: Two week update? New Chapter?**

 **Oh my!**

 **I hope you enjoyed, if not, let m' know why. Until then,**

 **I'm that Derp that constantly makes lame jokes, asks you to review and stuff...COUGH COUGH.**

 **Keep on Derping!**

Thanks to _Reverend I'm a Jesus Freak_ for editing!


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13:

 _I'm dreaming aren't I…_

 _Huh… Vivid dreams are weird._

 _Everything is so white…_

…

 _Please-_

 _Don't disappear so soon…_

O.o.O.o.O

I awoke, in a cold sweat, having relived a dream that was by rights, a nightmare fueled heart attack. Checking my surroundings, I could see that I was in the pony world. And to my unfailing sense of dread, I realized it didn't blow up.

And it wasn't my fault.

So I breathed in a gulp of air, and rubbed my stubble, flipping my cold feet around the bedside to stand. The bricks of walking hit the wooden floor with a thud, and as I stood, the tree seemed to groan in its own way, hopefully not waking the bookworm in the next room.

Yeah… along with having flashbacks and my first encounters with vivid dreaming, I left Canterlot on a sour note it seems. What with having the Elements of Chaos and Discord looming over my shoulders. I could deal with the latter because that fucker was frozen in a nice thing I like to call, STONE. He wasn't getting out anytime soon.

Now the former…

 _They_ are something I must find time to worry about. I've been having dreams lately that've filled my mind with fear, homesickness, and a constant rate of insanity at when Pride is going to appear.

If she is,

Then let's just say Equestria is fuggled ten times over.

It's been another three days. Yeah, I said it. Three days. Three days since Canterlot, triple twenty four hours since I last saw Celestia. And not a peep has happened. Everyone is on edge, that is for sure. And like a game of chess, I am seriously judging the next move. One wrong placement and it's Checkmate for us.

In order of what the six ponies did when they got back is as follows; Rarity went to make dresses, as usual. Twilight found time to study up on Discord and his Minions, after which she also made me listen to. It's quite the tale, and if I have time, I might just regal it to you in intervals.

Fluttershy had asked me to spend the night in her house again, if it were okay with Twilight… It wasn't. (Said something on the lines of me being dangerous)

Applejack and Pinkie got together and planned a little party in my favor. It's today, I'll have you know, and I am not looking forward to it. Rainbow Dash turned around from her little incident and while in Canterlot, visited the nearest _pub_ , and didn't think of inviting me. She called it the Table Salt. Whatever the hell that consequences for.

And me, I just went with what was happening. The most exciting thing that had happened since then, was probably encountering that changeling. Which, by the way, was still at large. So like me, Shining and I kept in touch, because who knows what will happen next.

I ended up coughing myself awake, bring myself to check the time in a natural instinct. If my phone was working that is. So being able to not tell time, I got around to opening that wardrobe Twilight had given me out of her love.

I'm just kidding, she doesn't love me at all, and if I had to guess, at any chance she had, she would try to kill me.

What? I'm not exactly the best sociable person on this side of the goddamn universe.

In the wardrobe were a couple thousand button ups, and maybe just a couple hundred pants. I shit you not, Rarity went on a knitting spree when she found out I had no pairs of _other_ clothes to wear.

She was like… A fucking goddess of sewing and… tapering. Next thing I know, I'm holding my own weight in clothes.

I picked an orange shirt and brown pants, closing the wardrobe shut with minimal effort. I then turned tail and made my way down the steps of this small, but yet comfy treehouse. My plans for today were, make food, eat food, cry about my life, converse with a Dragon, and finally sleep my pains away.

Most likely however, that plan would be interrupted by some crazy cliche invented by an unwilling puppet asshole. I'm intrigued to say in the least, to see if that may come to pass since I just had something horrible happen whilst sleeping…

Talk about nightmares...

I hit the bottom step with a soft thud, there were no handrails, so navigating using the dawn sun was a bit harsh. But I made it, kudos for me! The sound of awakening birds, and several other animals reached my ears as I grew closer to the kitchen. Along with noises, there were smells too, that excited me into making something absolutely amazing.

See, for the past few days, I've been able to show off my cooking skills to Spike and Twilight. Spike has the same gift as me, and is also awesome at replicating what I've made. But get this, _he_ does it two times better.

Momma always said, that if you had fat on your arm, so that it hung off of you like an apple does to its branch, then you were a damn fine cook. I am skinny, don't have any fat (mostly just gristle), and look like a twig if you tilt your head to the left a smidge.

Main point, was I was able to take my taste buds on an adventure seven times over. This is the eighth due to our lunch being over at Applejacks… which was also one of my favorite cereals… Was it called Applejacks? Jack apples…

There was the cinnamon stick, and apple as the mascots… Yknow? Cinna-Mon?

Bah, anyway.

As on instinct, I checked the fridge, then the freezer, seeing what I could mash up in a jiffy. And normally whenever I close the refrigerator, Spike is standing there rubbing his eyes. It was like, he knew when I was in here. And today was no different, and no less of a scare. Ended up almost flying through the ceiling. Oh but Spike found it hilarious,

"Pfft, morning Tick."

I picked my ass from the floor and reattached it to my bottom, "Good Morning… Spike." I blinked, "Good sleep?"

SEE, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! Here I am, the first human to witness a fire breathing drake, and I ask it, GOOD SLEEP?

Seriously, throw me a cookie, 'cus I'm a flipping idiot,

"More or less. Twilight never stopped wiggling though. Woke me up a couple of times."

I leaned on the counter and flattened my gaze, "You sleep in a basket, bud."

Spike threw his claws out, "She bucked me in my face!"

"You sleep _at_ the end of her bed _in_ a basket. And?"

He looked confused, "And it hurt?"

I smirked, "What'd we learn?"

Spike crossed his arms, "That you don't care."

I smiled, "Good boy, NOW!" I added with clasped hands, "Should we create something new? Or be original and make something old."

Case in point, we chose old.

O.o.O.o.O

My feet silently crept from wooden piece to wooden piece, slowly picking up a pace as they got used to the footing. I dived from a distance away into a section of that was which covered, and peered inside.

The sound of the ferocious thing roaring steeled my ass into a clench most foul. But I had to do this.

With a sigh of _why must I,_ my faith pushed me forward and into the lair of the beast. It was pitch black, and hearing only the whistles of winds, I snuck over to a corner, allowing me to chuckle in relief towards my luck.

I breathed in through my nose and closed my eyes. This was it. How this ends, concludes my stay in this world. I have climbed in sweat, battled through the tears of what I was to do, and bled because of how hard Spike was to have told me not to do this.

" **HEY TWILIGHT, WAKE THE-FUCK-UP!** "

I simultaneously yanked the covers back and ripped open the blinds open with the force of a thousands suns, concealing my smirk with a face of stone. Twilight, screeched in terror, and clambered back into her bedside, eyes full of horror.

I put my hands behind my back and stood at attention, "YOUR MEAL IS READY."

And then, I walked out.

Amidst my humble climb down the steps, I counted down slowly,

"3...2…1…"

Twilight tore out of her room like a wild animal, carrying a pillow in her magic,

"TICK!"

Uh-oh, three exclamation points people, she means business. I quickened my pace as she spotted me with bloodshot eyes,

"Oh would you look at the time!"

She like, fucking floated over to where I was in an instant and tried bashing my head in with that damnable pillow. The next moments of my life were filled with the unexploitable terror of trying _not_ to die.

But it's just a pillow!

NO ITS FUCKING NOT! SHE STUFFED THAT THING WITH ENCYCLOPEDIAS!

"I. WILL. MAKE. YOU-"

Every period was another hit upon my frail being. And I couldn't do much but try not to gasp at the sheer idiocy at all this,

"Make me what?" I dodged a knowledgeable attack, "Learn?"

Twilight caterwauled, "YES!"

Two exclamation points. She is nearing her tired state,

"Well what…" Another dodge, "Did you expect me to do?!" Twilight decided to become a Hogwarts owl and send an atlas at me via magic,

"LIGHTLY TAP ME? MAYBE JUST LET ME SLEEP!?"

I guffawed, "O- EH? Let you sleep? man-" I ducked for cover as she tossed her telescope at me, "-the day you sleep in, is the day I eat my pants!"

Twilight simmered down slightly, "You mean that."

I poked my head out from behind her couch, "If the boot fits, you…" Honestly having a hard time coming up with an- OH I GOT ONE!

"...book troll!"

 **WHUMP**

" _FUCKING, CRIMINY!"_

O.o.O.o.O

"This is absolutely amazing… great job on the food guys." Twilight said whilst chowing down on the delicacies Spike and I made, of and which with more blood, sweat and tears.

Then comes along Twilight, her with her encyclopedia stuffed pillow which was beaten atop my head with. Currently, I was holding an ice pack on the nice little goose egg the unicorn had given me, and thinking of ways to explain how I got it.

 _You see… A uh… Unicorn… Decided to assault me with knowledge._

 _ **Come again?**_

I got a feeling that conversation would be one hell of an awkward one to deal with. Considering that half the populace wouldn't believe me. Other half would be all, _woah- you're all sorts of lucky_.

Yeah, lucky I didn't **DIE**.

So I sat there at the end of the kitchen table, growling up a viable plan to use against the smarter sex. I knew it wouldn't work, but it put a little barrier between my murderous thoughts, and possible consequences.

The thing that pissed me off the most though, was how _calm_ she was. Now, most people when they come at someone, are a little somber afterwards, showing a hint of respect along with maybe the slight joke.

Twilight obviously fucking forgot she'd just given me a concussion.

"Is that oregano?" Said she, the one of head crushers.

I responded with a, "No, it's just an egg."

Twilight blinked and looked down at her food, "Oh… Well I knew that."

"Why did you ask then?"

Twilight shrugged, "I don't know. Conversation?"

"Ended. I have a headache for some reason, and I'm trying to avoid the confrontation you ponies like to call, talking. It's also referred as, Speech or Communication." I added after holding the wound I received earlier with a smidget of force.

Spike flipped a page of the article he was reading and chuckled, "Sounds like me on a bad day."

I laughed, "Yeah me too."

Twilight complained very quickly, "Oh seriously, how come Spike gets a nice joust?"

"Because Spike didn't hit me with a thousand-six-hundred and fucking thirty-two paged book NOW DID HE?!"

"You brought it on yourself."

I threw a good arm out, "And how, might I ask, did I do that?"

Twilight looked down at her food and mumbled incoherently, "By rousing me from my slumber."

"And so, because I tried telling you your food, which Spike and I ever so humbly prepared, was ready…" Spike shuffled in his seat at hearing his name, but didn't look up from reading, "You commit a crime and use me as a practice dummy for anger."

Twilight went silent, and coughed after the only sound became Spike flipping pages, "Well when you put it like _that…_ "

I said ever so sardonically, "It sounds like you were an ass-"

"Hole-" Spike looked up from the newspaper with wide eyes and covered his mouth quickly, "Oh, sorry! Were you two still arguing?"

Twilight gritted her jaw in skepticism while I grinned from my painful spot, "I don't know. Were we?"

Twilight smiled in false humor, "No. We weren't. What's up Spike?"

Spike fluttered the paper and chuckled lightly, "Well, says here, that Tick-" He directed the paper to me, "-not only made front line, but the news entirely!"

In big ass bold letters, and with a black and white picture, it said,

 **Human Sighting in Equestria!**

What made me laugh the most, was the picture. Of course I'm creeped the hell out because the ponies somehow got a good photo of me but, it was the thing I was doing, the made me almost revert to tears.

They got me while I was sneezing.

Alright, yeah, I know, Get on with the story. Well the punch line, was me, along with a very surprised Celestia and tired Luna. The photo was taken (obviously) when we had reached Canterlot.

And as I read on, I soon found my smile fading slowly, replacing it with a more simpler expression. One I suppose my grandfather would be proud of. I placed a cigarette in between the lines and rubbed my forehead, letting out a muffled sigh,

"Who does the newspapers here? Ponytimes?"

Twilight bit her muzzle and looked at Spike, "I don't particularly know, actually, Spike, who prints these out?"

Spike shrugged, "Should say who the editor was near the top."

I creased my brows and frowned, "Yeah well, Anon-Pony isn't a good start towards revenge. And this little smear on me isn't that heartwarming either." There was like, a whole article showing various facts and little points of interest that actually surprised me. Spike had just basically handed me (In human terms) a shit-post. Or a more favorable term, Roast. Yes, I was roasted, and yes again, Many ponies have probably seen this. Which is just, Fantastic.

 _ **Many believe that the reappearance of this creature**_ _-_

I almost spewed my water over Twilight… Again! Such voracious vocabulary, vehemently varied against someone, such as I.

It hurt. To be called a creature actually hit home- which is miles away at the moment. I closed the paper and chuckled, "Shits about to get real."

Twilight flatbrowed, "Celestia said not to get into trouble Tick."

"What she doesn't know, won't exactly hurt her, now will it?"

She countered with a heart stabbing, "When she finds out, yeah, it kinda will."

Well jeezus. Such a… Buzz kill… "You're no fun." I said finally whilst puffing smoke.

Spike laughed as he got from the table to wash the dishes gathered suddenly in the sink, "Welcome to my world."

I said almost immediately, "Too late, been here a week and I fucking hate it. Thanks for the skepticism though, makes me feel _real_ good about Celestia's little pet."

Twilight, completely off guard, took a moment to gasp aloud and look at me as though I had shot her. Which I did in terms of, _Shots Fired_. But hell, see how you feel when you got a stalker taking shots of you and then making an article about it. On top of that, I have to deal with the Elements of Chaos, _AND_ Twilight's little anger management issues.

Oh, did I tell you about that? No, not the book thing, that's fairly new, and now I have to come up with a way to destroy every fucking heavy book in this library… Fire seems like a good choice…

But speaking of Fire, and the thing I need I tell you about, Twilight actually bursted into flames the other day.

I KNOW! HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT?! I mean, I'm mildly (not) concerned for her safety, but she like, BOOM! Okay, okay, so, I'm in Twilight's spare room, trying to fiddle with my phone, right? Right, Twilight comes in while I'm popping the case off and asks me what I'm doing. I respond with my usual flare of sarcasm, which incites the short tempered equine to get frustrated. Pretty much told her to _eff_ off and she tries to take what I have.

I don't like grabby grabbers, so we tossed and tussled around the room like a pair of nuts. Oh… Wait… WAIT WAIT, LET ME REPHRASE TH-

Ugh… Too late… It's already in the notes…

Anyway, I'm laughing my ass off because Twilight can't quite reach my phone, and she's getting purple…-er… One minute, Purple Unicorn, next minute, she's a flipping rip-off of the human torch.

No, _Flame On_ , or nothing. Just _,_ _ **POOM**_ _,_

" _ **GIVE ME THE DAMN THING!**_ _"_

Meanwhile I'm trying to stop drop and roll while at the same time, praise her for becoming the sun goddess Apollo. It was AWESOME! But… on the other hand, we were both in a tree. And she was on fire. Near paper. Which was flammable.

See the picture?

But yeah! That was the shit the other day! Definitely gotta tell that one to someone when I get back...

"You… You take that back!"

I blinked and tapped my head, grimacing just enough to show that the damn wound still hurt, "Yeah. Don't think that's happening anytime soon. UNLESS!" I added with a finger pointed in her direction,

"You remove every book that exceeds the thousandth page limit."

Twilight gasped again, "But...butbutbutbut-that's almost all of them!"

I turned slowly, "Sounds like someone might need to get to work."

"And what are you going to do?"

I stopped turning and thought for a moment, "Eh. Never really thought that through. Pretty sure something will keep me busy though."

Twilight gestured to Spike and then herself, "Are you going to ask us if we wanna go too?"

I blinked, and turned to one of them, "Spike would you like to come?" YES! Score three for Tick!

Twilight muttered under her breath, "Of course…"

"Oh shush. He hasn't even said yes yet." I paused and raised a brow, "Did you?"

Spike shrugged and went back to doing his chores, "Sure. Just let me finish upon over here."

"I'll be out front."

Twilight waved her hooves, "DO I EXIST?!"

It was then, I decided to fuck with the nerdy nerd. It was fun, so back off and let me do my job. I sniffed and said lowly, "Spike… Did you… Did you hear something?"

Spike seemed to catch on very quickly and turned the running water off, "Yeah- I did… Whaddya suppose that is?"

Twilight was unamused, "I'm unamused."

I looked around, "I don't know… Sounds a little, bitchy."

Spike nodded, "Don't know what that is, but okay."

"I'm going to count to three…"

I gasped, "Wait! I think I hear something!"

"One."

Spike untimely ran beside me, "You do?!"

"Two."

I waited for Twilight to say something, but was met with a flat stare and quite an unsettling persona. So I shook my head and waved a hand, "Nah. Must've been t' wind."

"Three." Twilight poofed a fucking dictionary into existence and slowly stood. Now, I don't know about you people, but Twilight has an unnatural.. Or a better word being uncanny knack for slapping sense into you. Albeit you kinda go full retard for about twenty minutes, but the point is stricken across towards the fact that you _don't_ want it to happen again.

So I screamed-(Manly like)-and pointed in fear, "SPIKE, SHE'S GOT A DICTIONARY!"

"YOUTH BEFORE OLD AGE!"

O.o.O.o.O

I swear, I set a high score for, _max distance traveled w/shit in pants._ Glad I set that (I was wearing brown, so I was good), but at the same time regretting it because now I'm out of breath, Spike is hating on me for creativity points, and we're hiding behind the Sugarcube Corner place.

"Tick...gunna...make sure…you pay…"

I heaved a few more times before answering, "Heh… gain a couple feet… And then talk to me."

From the way Spike was smiling, I did a funny, so we kinda just lied there for a moment before recuperating. The morning sun was out, there was a light breeze, Ponyville was bustling; if it had been a place on earth, I'd look at it and say that it was a perfect days.

But where I come from, there ain't no such thing.

"Alright, since Twilight left you with no choice, Let's make the best of this and try to find something to do before we head over to Applejack's."

Because y'know, _Originally_ , Pinkie Pie wanted to throw an extravagant party in place, just for me. And I had turned her down-(regretted it later)-because I didn't even want to have a party at the time.

Now that I think about it, I've been turning down a lot of things lately… Starting with the Crusaders (A.K.A -The Little Heathens) rather than them being my little spies, they've been quite the trouble.

Pestering me and whatnot… Kids… Right?

See, just before Dashie made an owie-boo-boo, I got in touch with my inner devil, and twisted those three into striking a deal. It was easier said than done because we shook on the thought of them spending the night on my behalf.

Well when said pegasus did what she did, they all ended up spending the night over at Rarity's regardless. I got the deal _hands down_ , but I may have gotten… More… Than what I bargained for. Honestly feels like Karma _is_ a bitch, and she's looking at me laughing while try to explain this to you.

They are spying, yes. Damn good at it too. But I asked for _important… information_. I did not ask for the type of soap and shampoo Applejack uses to wipe her ass. One, it is way too much information, _AND TWO_ , HOW DID THEY GET THAT INFORMATION ANYWAY?!

Very confusing. Like those catchy commercials you see almost everyday. Are you supposed to sing along to them? Or remain silent and hum to it…

I raised a brow, "Should we just head in?"

Spike crossed his claws, "You got some bits?"

"Do you?"

Spike smirked, "I do."

"Oh, cool. I wasn't going to pay anyway," I stepped over Spike and pushed open the sweet doors to Sugarcube Corner, "I'm flat ass broke."

Spike snorted, "And?"

I began, "And… I'd like a cherry soda. Get that for me and I won't have to throw you back to Twilight."

Spike blinked as I chose a small table to sit down at, "You… You wouldn't do that, would you?"

The answer was simple, "Pfft. No."

Why? Well, let's say I _am_ stuck here forever. The last thing I want to do, is piss Spike off, so that when he does grow up into a big ass dragon, he won't be spewing fire at me because of how golden my attitude is. Securing the foundation of my future is all…

The place was packed lightly. There were a few ponies here, a few ponies there, even a few ponies doing a _Lady and the Tramp_ thing with the spaghettis and meat-a-balls. Meanwhile I sat alone waiting on Spike to hurry his scaly little butt up.

But there's a problem when you are alone. You start to think about stuff that really doesn't pertain to anything that relevant. Like that dream I had earlier this morning. Haven't had a vivid dream to date, and the first one was like something out of a slasher movie.

Granted, I don't remember much of it (which is weird because it was a vivid dream…), but I'm also half glad that I don't. It'd be a pain trying to relive the crap that goes on in my head.

I digress. In the words of Reichtoffen, "These companions could be the key…" Then says stuff like, "I smell my own blood!… FEAR ME."

Why does that even… Never mind. Just disregard the above statement. I'm already miss my video game system back home… I must find the portal and connect it…

"Table for two?"

I blinked back to reality to find some mare staring at me with a smile. She had a fiery mane and a almost butterscotchy coat. No. I don't think you know what I mean when I say she had like… Fiery hair. Anyways, she was wearing some kind of jumpsuit and goggles, which were atop of her head, allowing me to see her orange eyes. The suit was blue and had a streak of lightning on it, Which, I might add, almost made me yell out _**HOGWARTS**_?! I then would've proceeded to glomp the crap out of this unknown mare.

Since I didn't know this pony, and she was being rather nice, I decided not to be the asshole… For now,

"For that question, may I inquire why you asked?"

The fiery mare shrugged, "You looked a little lonely, So… I asked."

I smirked and leaned forward, "Well then yes. It is a table for two. Me, and my loneliness. It's quite a pairing actually."

"Aw… It seems like your loneliness has left you… I'll just," She sat across from me, "Sit here until it comes back."

A play on words that was very well done. I tip my hat to his mare.

"Spitfire."

Captain Of the Wonderbolts… Of fucking course… Well this is surprising. Wouldn't you say so? I mean, what're the odds of running into someone such as her? And away from Canterlot too. Man… Must be on a break or something.

I nodded and smiled back, "Nice to meet you Spitfire."

Pfft. Thought she'd get my name. HA, whadda load of b-

"You must be that Tick fellow I've been hearing about."

Fuck… "Shit. My cover has been blown, I hope you know I have to go into hiding now! Thanks a lot you… secret spoiler." I said pouting.

Spitfire giggled, which oddly enough perked my spirits a smidge, "You'll be fine. I understand how that feels."

I nodded, taking a moment to see Spike having trouble ordering the drinks, "You should. Considering you're that Wonderbolt Captain fellow Dash raves about."

Spitfire held her hooves up, "Guilty. But as charged, I feel a privilege from being recognized from you."

Sexualy? Or because I'm human… Hard to tell during times like these. But all in all I'm kinda giddy for this conversation,

"Fair enough. Shouldn't you be in Canterlot though?"

"I'm not allowed to be in Ponyville?"

I frowned, "No you're not. You're a disgrace to pony kind and very much a villain because of your thirst for sarcasm."

Spitfire sucked in a breath, "Oh that was good."

I pointed, "Say something snarky again and I'll do even worse."

"You are a funny guy. Okay, since we're sharing a table, I'll bite. I'm down here because I had a word with Shining Armour. Know him?"

I laughed, "HA! Know him?" I deadpanned, "Unfortunately. Considering he is the only other dude in this universe, I had a hard time getting rid of him."

Spitfire smiled, "Well, in Canterlot, he advised… a specific order."

Oh nu! Order 66! RUN, TICK, RUN!

"He told me to watch over you."

Oh well that isn't so bad. Everything went better than expected I guess, "Sorry there Cap, but I already got a guardian."

"Twilight."

I smiled, "And Luna. And Celestia. And pretty much everyone I met in this place."

Spitfire whistled, "Oh no. What ever am I to do?" She pretended to think, "Well I could just… Trot away from this with a heavy heart… Or say that I'm going to give you this."

She somehow produced an orb. Now, before you go, _Wow that escalated quickly_ , the orb was placed into my palm and I immediately fell in love with it. It was smooth, shiny, and practically glowed as I sifted it around,

"Alright, now _I'm_ intrigued. What the hell is this?"

Spitfire crossed her fetlocks and shrugged, "It's a precaution."

I held my forehead and shook the object in front of her, "I'm. not. a threat."

Spitfire chuckled, "Yeah, I could tell that as soon as I came in the door. You act tough, but just can't back up your words with muscle."

"You are pushing my buttons, woman. Don't test my patience lest you wish to see my true form."

Spitfire sniffed, "The day you force my hoof, is the day I chug a gallon of sweat."

"You will regret, saying that. I don't fucking need anyone watching my every move!"

The mare sighed and scratched her head, "Frankly, Shining was surprised about this too. Originally, _he_ was suppose to give you that, but his fiancé demanded attention, and it fell onto me."

I tossed the sphere back and forth, "Why couldn't Twilight or, Luna give this to me."

Spitfire poked me, "Because this is something _we_ came up with last moment. Tick, those Elements are your only hope. Really. As young in the mind as they may be, you can't be on your own when the Elements of Chaos come barging on your door."

"Considering you're like… What… As young as them?"

Spitfire smiled, "Young, but Experienced." Rolling her eyes, she continued, "We need to make sure you're okay. We being the guard _and_ Celestia herself. All you need to do, is crack the ball and you'll be sent to Celestia's throne room."

I looked at the clear ball and said slowly, "Crack it?"

Spitfire shrugged, "Or smash. Either works. Just…" She sighed, "It's a work in progress, and if you…"

"Get it wet, I'll explode?"

Spitfire, "Hah. Funny. Great power, great responsibility, yadda yadda, you seem to be the type that won't lose it on _purpose._ "

I laughed, "I don't know… You might find it up Dash's ass or something. Next thing you know, you got shit piling on Celestia's floor."

Spitfire giggled, "As funny as it may be, Don't lose it. And if you get into trouble, smash it. Simple."

I raised a brow as the fiery captain stood, "So that's it. You're not going to grab something to eat? Regal why you had to be the one to talk to me? Maybe sit down, listen to my sad story?"

"Nope." She said simply, a wink shot my way, "I gotta get back to work. Taking time off my shift to see you was kinda a waste, so… Yeah."

I let out a huff and dismissed her with a wave. And like that, she was gone, and the place went back to its usual tremor of talking. It was like the entire shop had been silent while we conversed. But it wasn't the case as per Spike had waddled up with the same expression as he had left.

"You okay Tick?"

I blinked and looked down, "Eh? Oh… Yeah I'm fine. Did you get the drinks?"

Spike hopped onto the seat across from me, "Yep. You almost ready for Applejacks?"

As he handed me my drink, I couldn't help but sigh in vain. Was I ready?

No… I wasn't. I have stupid ass dreams, have to worry about a pony who posts newspapers about me, the party is in a few hours… And then there is the ponies who deem it necessary to spy on my privacy.

In all truths, I'm shit out of luck and so very far from the place I call home. Soon, though, I hope I'm able to leave… In any way possible too…

Damn that was a good soda...

 **O.o.O.o.O**

 **A/N**

 **Alright… let us reverend the huge factor… that has transpired… in the last month…**

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 **No review responses this chapter** _ **BECAUSE**_ **I wanted to give it to you as fast as I could. Update was lackluster cus I stopped writing in thanksgiving, kinda wrote in Halloween, AND THEN the chapter got deleted. SO I HAD TO REWRITE.**

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 **Hope ya enjoyed! And in the next chapter, I'll be doing responses to this chapter and the previous one!**

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	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14:**

Sigh, there's the headache. Yep. Thanks Twilight.

Alright, so I got this little doo-dad from some concerned mare named Spitfire. The thing was a clear sphere, and before you go slapping your faces (which would cause me to go to jail because of how my product inflicted pain), try not to worry or dwell too much on this subject. I can't see myself using this thing anytime soon.

Technically, I didn't even know _double-tee-eff_ I was supposed to do with it. Crack it? Then what… poof? I'm good? Nah… That doesn't exactly sit right with me. Considering the other things that are happening, I don't feel as though cracking the ball is a good idea.

It's like I'm under house arrest, except I don't have a house. And I didn't do anything wrong except _exist._ Oh but the rulers of this fair and fine land wanted to, _keep an eye on me_ , as Spitfire put it. Which seriously pissed me off to a point as to where I almost chucked the item of interest out the nearest window.

I'm not that evil, I didn't do it… Keep your shirts on! Besides, that would cause a calamity of screams and a bunch of ponies to poof into Celestia's throne room. As funny as it sounds, we are all on some seriously thin ice because of the Chaotic elements… So it'd be one of those, I'm just gunna vaporize you because you did this, moments.

Anyway...

Mr. Cake had a _No-Smoking_ policy written up about the time I left for Canterlot, which I was okay with as per he made the best cherry sodas I'd ever tasted. And that's what attracted customers here. So rather than me pulling out a fresh one and deciding to scare them off or away, Cake hand drew a red circle, out a line through it and called it a day after slapping a picture of me up there.

 _I was special._

Personally I think it's just a bit triggering, being as it may, directed only towards me. But nobody cares, so, I sipped away at my drink noisily and tucked the ball into my pocket. Spike had finished his drink a long time ago and was looking out the shop's large window.

Now, I would've asked him a question, probably an insanely dull one, and incited an air of awkwardness around us. Naturally, Spike would answer because Spike was cool like that. I would then proceed to grunt and make various lip flapping noises as I could try to make another seemingly innocent question.

IT WAS HARD TO FUCKING TALK TO A DRAGON, OKAY?!

Spike was just off in La-La land though. Like me after smoking p- I MEAN BEING A GOOD CITIZEN! While I sipped noisily, I tried snapping my fingers all up in his fazace! Unfortunately, did not work, so I sipped louder and tried to peer at what he was watching.

From first glance, all I could see was, Pony, Pony, another Pony, _Smartly Dressed_ Pony, Dull Pony… And then I did one of those things where you try looking at where the eyes were trained on. So I spotted Spikes green eyes and looked back at the crowd.

Oddly enough, the _Smartly Dressed_ Pony I had missed the first time, was none other than Rarity herself. She sported a wide brimmed hat, the signature curled dark purple… Which could be indigo… (I'm an idiot), -hair and wore an odd dress of gems! How I'd missed that I will never know as per she stood out like a broken thumb.

From the way Spike made goo-goo eyes at her, and how he was non-responsive, I flatbrowed immediately and sipped much… much louder...it got his attention after everyone else's.

I figured out yesterday, when Twilight asked me to go with her to tailor her a dress for something called, _The Grand Galloping Gala_ (Blegh…), that Spike actually held the kind of emotional feeling for Rarity that you and I would refer to as a relationship between a cactus and a balloon. It won't work, question mark, question mark. But at the same time, what if it did? I'd be giving Spike hella daps if he went steady. Oh speaking of the devil!

"You okay there?"

I stopped sipping and smacked my lips, looking around the restaurant. "Good Soda." Almost everyone turned or rolled their eyes, just glad I'd stopped being a nuisance. But I resumed slurping after a long pause, as the chatter filled the place again. And because of such, Spike looked rather upset because of my interruption of his fapping- I mean… Justifiable Look-See.

Now in his defense, I will say that Rarity did have a keen eye on how to catch one. From my standpoint, I guess it was like she was a farmer's _prized pony,_ which in this case would definitely win first place. Rhyming aside, I believe if I let loose that kind of information aloud, I might not receive very good attention afterwards.

So that is why I have this, and my thoughts to assault verbally and mentally. Yay(?)

Spike asked me the same question again and I answered truthfully, that of being, "Yes, just enjoying my pleasures one at a time." He chuckled in his own way, which roused me to shuffle in my seat. I've made people laugh, made alicorns laugh, and hearing a dragon laugh… Well let's just say I'm quite satisfied with my life right now.

"Glad to hear that. Need to find some pleasures of my own."

I choked on my drink and set it down abruptly, the thought of seeing Spike and Rarity… Dear God… I was happy about them getting together… BUT HOLY **SHIP**!

"Dude, When Valentine's day comes around, you can go making _all_ the soft crap you want with Rarity. But right now, I'm trying not to drink carbonated puke."

Spike gasped, "I'm not… In that way?!- Oh you!-" After a while being unable to form words, he settled on sighing and rested a claw on his forehead. "Is it obvious?"

I muttered loudly in my cup, "Yep."

"You can see it?"

"Plain as day."

"What do you think."

"About what?"

Spike shrugged, "I dunno. Chances?"

I curled my lip slightly and looked him up and down, "Slim."

"That bad?"

"Do you want the Christmas version?"

"If it'll make me feel better."

I smiled, "She'll leave you with some cookies and a big fat _'L'._ "

Spike rubbed his chin, "Mm… She'll give me cookies and love… I can dig it."

Pfft! I'm… I'm sorry, it's just- this moment cracks me up every time. So you could probably imagine my reaction,

"If I had a cookie for every time I got an 'L', I'd be one happy sumbitch. Nice try though squirt."

Spike crossed his arms and leaned forward slightly. Rarity had disappeared shortly after our incursion of questions, so Spike had his attention on me for the most part. Little did I know that she hadn't disappeared _completely_ _ **,**_

"Well what about you?"

"Me."

Spike nodded, "You ever… Y'know, love someone?"

I crossed _my_ arms and raised a simplistic brow, "If you had been anyone else, I would've said No. But that isn't the truth, so Yes. I do love someone, I have _loved_ someone and that is the end of it."

Spike smiled, showing a set of baby chompers, "So that also means you might be willing to share how you got their attention!"

I gasped, "Spike, you are the best fucking detective I have ever deduced as! How on Earth-"

"Equestria." He corrected me.

"...how on _**Earth**_ did you perceive of such a question…"

In all of his innocence, Spike said "You seem like somepony who'd know your way around that subject."

I chuckled halfheartedly, actually taking his words for granted, "Yeah well if it were a grade, I'd receive an F… Maybe an F+."

Spike cocked his head, "So, you said you loved someone! How was it?"

I licked my teeth in an attempt to dissuade myself from blurting out my inner feelings about it. In truth, I'd rather talk about Jackie because Jackie, I can see again…

"Look squirt…" I began, taking a breath, "I don't tell ponies _or dragons_ or even alicorns about myself for a reason. I'm paranoid. And Love is the last thing you want to-"

I stopped and narrowed my eyes, looking around me in a quick sweep. Satisfied, I went back to talking,

( **Just for those who don't know, I did that because The princess of love likes to but in with her big butt, so I have the habit of checking my shoulder every time I bring up this kind of conversation** )

I said sincerely, "...Love is the last thing you want to be involved with…"

Spike blinked, "So... Not yet?"

I looked at the young dragon and opened my mouth to say 'no- not yet', but I was overcome with the sudden urge to _not_ tell him that. I was just… I don't know, maybe it was just one of those emotions that resurfaces on occasion. Spike actually looked concerned for this small concept of that butterfly feeling in all of our stomachs.

Look. I'll be straight with you, that "L" word is a waste of space. It's just pointless in my eyes because of what I've had to go through. Why give your heart to someone if they just disappear on you like yesterday's thanksgiving turkey? But, I won't berate you with my choice words of hopelessness and my unlucky favoritism towards assholes.

I decided to scratch my head and sigh thoughtfully, "Ah… Spike…" Looking out the window, I saw several pairings _coincidentally_ , and focused on how they seemed to melt in each others… hooves…

"Keep searching man. You'll find that one special someone."

Spike chuckled, "I dunno. I may have already found her…"

"Someone _other_ than Rarity."

 **Suddenly,** _ **RARITY,**_ "And who might that mare be?"

You would not believe how many feet I jumped into the air after hearing that posh voice, "EGADS, RARITY?! I UH…" My voice cracked, "*ahem*... I didn't realize you were spying upon our conversive natures."

Rarity cocked her head and took her glasses off with her magic, "Spying? Hardly. I could hear the both of you outside."

Spike about freaked out, "Y-YOU COULD?" He then said without missing a beat, "How much did you hear."

Rarity laid eyes on me, "Only what Tick goes on about, _somepony other than me._ "

I chortled and crossed my hands, "It was a good topic. What can I say."

Rarity tucked her glasses into her ear, "Something disregarding such abiding interests. Flattered as much as I may be, it's a bit strange to trot by and hear you two speaking as such."

I looked to Spike and then back again, "Is that the only reason you came over to bother us? Or did you actually have something important to say?"

Rarity straightened, "I do."

I flatbrowed, "Oh do tell…"

O.o.O.o.O

I kicked the dirt in anger, _stupid Rarity…_ , I thought. _Taking my little flaming buddy away from me like a fat kid and his twinkie._ I nearly called her a bad word (again) and ran away with a fear most foul. It wouldn't have mattered at that moment considering we were about to leave for that damnable party.

But instead, I'm walking around like the big dope I am, feeling rather foolish. It's one thing to be in a world of ponies who are rather cautious of your existence. It's another thing to have one pissed off at you.

And unfortunately for me, I tend to piss people off _very_ quickly. So, Rarity in her glory, stole Spike (in which Spike put up _no_ fight… traitor), and ran off basically. Probably because we got into an argument over who Spike should focus his feelings on, and I somehow called her a… two-headed sloth?

Apparently, Rarity dislikes the _Oh...Sir! Insults_ I do, and pretty much took the phrase to heart. In order, she bitchslapped me, called me a testicle, stole the dragon and waltzed out of the store like a baws.

Okay, she didn't call me a testicle, but she said something close to it.

Now, like I said before, I'm just trying to find something to do. It's been a while since I was called a nut, and it's like… nearing midday. I haven't really seen anybody to bug, except for Pinkie. But she was all,

"SWEET SASAPHRASS!" And just… **Poof**. Disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke. Now, I would've _tried_ to follow her, BUT, you don't exactly find Pinkie… Oh no…

Pinkie finds _you_.

Scary concept, right?

So yeah, there I was, walking and smoking, in that order, just minding my own biz-. Granted, it was a little dirt path, and my feet were starting to hurt, nobody could care though. I had found this little dirt road a while back and had just decided to follow it 'cause… hey, who knows? Could be my next little adventure!

Well, I wasn't wrong in that mindset. See, this dirt path led to Fluttershy's house. And her house is closest to the creepiest thing in Equestria- thus far.

The Everfree Forest.

I touched upon this place whilst verbally assaulting Twilight one day, learning a thing or two about the forest in a matter of a hour. Not to mention, I was told **not** to go here due to the elevated insanity rate of those who venture fortwith into it.

Honestly though, it just looks like a really depressed swamp, what with all the fog and all. I actually lived near a swamp for a few years… Which just so happened to be the worst years of my life. Why? Well,

Have you ever been camping? If you have, good for you, because I haven't. I've heard of some crazy stories though from those who have, ranging from desperate times spent eating bugs, to roasting s'mores over a fire. Me? I just had horrid sounds coming from the swamp invade my eardrums as I tried to sleep sometimes.

But as I drew closer to the forest of depression, the sounds that emanated from within didn't sound like bog frogs… Oh no… They legitimately sounded like demons.

Although I was, yes, far away, it's not very hard to hear a howl of territorial claim. As per the sound was an ungodly mixture of what sounded like a wolf, and sticks cracking harshly. What would be interesting, is the possible chance… Of talking wolves!

I mean, there are talking equines, dragons… Hell, even Applejack's cows spoke Engrish. What I want to see is talking wolves. Then, my bucket list would be halfway complete. Filling the rest up would require playing an evil prank on the alicorn princesses one by one. Or maybe all at once, in repentance towards my insincere punishment… Which is being trapped… In Equestria…

I took a hefty puff of my cigarette, scanning the large acre of land to see if I could catch a glimpse of what was making the sounds. There were a few moments where I would _think_ I saw something, like a scary shape, or glowing eyes, but they'd be something quite the opposite like a scary _branch_ and glowing _bugs_. Debunked theories of what they were thought to be.

OR WERE THEY?! _**FAIRY**_ ODD _ **PARENTS**_!

Speaking of the Princesses, did you know I haven't seen hide nor hair follicle of them since a brief visit in Canterlot? It is actually pretty damn scary. Normally, I'd expect Celestia to garfunkel into existence and nag me on for how I was doing, and what I'd be doing soon.

Now it's just… quiet. Even Dash has stopped bothering me… for the most part. However, I know what you're thinking, I don't forcefully throw myself under the bus. It just so happens that the bus _driver_ hates my T-shirt and wants to vehicularly manslaughter me. So I'm not at fault there. I jump in front of the moving vehicle because I want to test the brakes. Weird concept, no? I call it my automobile analogy- which has a nice ring to it.

I trudged up the path to Fluttershy's house taking my time to look around as I did so. There wasn't a real reason to look around, it was just my paranoia kicking in I suppose. Of course, I also wanted to gather a few pinpricks of information as I went along.

Like for example, I stubbed my toe earlier on a tree stump that was just put into the middle of the path. I know where it is now, and I will destroy it later. So yeah, there were pro's from taking a visual, like now I know there were trees, more trees, a bunny jumping up and down; flapping its furry arms wildly, flowers, pretty bumblebe-

Wait a second. Brain, rewind three seconds and asses the situation.

 _Oh, I am needed now. Hm. How peculiar. Well from first glance, I do believe the bunny is high. But now, Sir, it appears that this animal is trying to… communicate._

Amazing. Define 'communicate'.

 _Well, judging by its hops of hope and mad flailing of paws, I sincerely doubt it is trying to exercise._

A very noteworthy assessment, brain.

 _I try, sir._

You are dismissed, asshole. Mocking my own stupidity in ways I cannot imagine. But brain was correct, that bunny wasn't trying to impress me with jumping jacks. Upon closer examination, I deduced that this animal was none other than that bunny Fluttershy owned amongst several others!

Ah yes, the white menace who I called a bro - 'Angel' I think his name was - scampered up to me, sides heaving and what have you, and proceeded to yank on my pants leg, beckoning me towards what _I_ assumed was Fluttershy's cottage.

"Whoa, take it easy buddy." Yeah, I said buddy. Big word, and a big whup. I can be nice sometimes, "Take a deep breath. You good? Okay, now, Who's stuck in a well?"

Keyword being, _sometimes._

Angel did not like the sudden smile I formed, and most certainly was not in any mood for jokes. He showed it in the form of the hardest punch to my kankles I have ever felt. Tough bastard he was,

"GAH! Sonuva… You- you are going to pay for that… C'MERE YOU LITTLE-"

(-In my defense, let me remind you that this is a bunny I am trying to catch. Why? Well the little bastard made me drop a good and freshly lit cigarette, second to last one also! I WAS PISSED!)

Since when has a human, or anybody really, ever… _Ever…_ Caught a bunny? On foot, without planning anything strategic? I might as well have been trying to catch my dreams. Because he was _juuuusssstttt_ out of my reach.

Angel took me through dense bushes, made me run into a tree a few times, and actually juked me like I was some type of basketball player. Basically, I just got R'Koed in about forty-five seconds flat.

We both hopped across a small ravine that snaked just a few yards away from Fluttershy's house, who I had actually meant to see. It was weird how fate worked out! Considering I just wanted to know how she was before the party…

I dread that interval and waste of life…

Going back to the Benny Hill's themed chase music, Angel decided to hop through a tree, making me have to skid around that same wooden obstacle with a force most horrendous. Ended up almost belly flopping Fluttershy's cactus patch.

Y'know, is it just me, or does everything I bump or even run into have a warrant to be a fatal accident? Don't mind the fact that I almost got piercings at the age of 25, oh no. Mom and Pa would be furious if they learned of this, especially if they were given to me by Cacti. Or better yet, Don't heed it that I've run into a flying pegasus and received _no_ concussion whatsoever.

This world is just retardedly crazy. One thing after the other, and I feel as though I've just run in a circle. Oh wait… I actually did with Angel.

Speaking of him, the guy broke my ankles; _**again**_ , being this time, I didn't have anything nice for my face to _plant_ on. A pillow would've been nice. Then that way I could've slept my pains away. But instead, Angel darted one way as I gained some leeway on him, and it freaked me out to the point where I was going too fast, and couldn't stop.

So instead of a pillow, I got some afternoon wood. And yes, my head hit the fence that circled the cottage with a sullen **thud,** inciting Angel to stop running and sputter in humor at my pain. All the while, I was trying to claw at the bunnies that circled my face in a stupor. Now, the fatal accident ramble comes into play.

"I'm… I'm… I'm huntin' wabbits!"

But I was done playing games! It was funny the first couple of times, now it was just stupid. I stood drunkenly and pointed, "Yew… Trickster… Imma make sure… That the damn… Easter bunny… Ain't coming this year!"

I lunged forward with one arm pinned to my chest and another stuck out as though I were hailing something. Angel cried in terror and ducked, which to my never ending unlucky luck, I crashed into Fluttershy's cottage with a tumble of arms and legs.

Now a normal sane person would stay down. You just hugged a tree more than a hippy does in a year and basically ate more shit than a dung beetle. Me being me, which is a reference now by the way, I ended up groaning and tried to stand.

Although the world was cartoonish, it did _not_ have the physics a cartoon would. So instead of being like Rainbow Dash and how often she fails by eating an intangible amount of shit, I instead plopped myself upon my rear and rubbed my head in dismay.

"Alright Angel. You win… little prick." I'm burning in hell, I know. But I also lost my burner _and_ cigarette packet while running with Angel. Proven, when I searched my pocketses and came up with jack-diddly.

But, I pushed those murderous thoughts aside when I looked up for the first time. I didn't notice it before, because I was in pain,

Fluttershy's house was just in… Disarray. Like, most rooms, when one forgets to clean them, are messy. Disarray and messy have two different meanings, which outfit the description which I relayed to you, that it looks like somebody just fucked up Fluttershy's house and left.

Except, it brought out my anxiety and to which I shot up, looking around in a crazed frenzy,

"Hey? Fluttershy!"

No answer, not good. I panicked because, hello, what the hell is up here? I'm not exactly the smartest person, personality wise Fluttershy would've answered. And then proceed to wonder why I messed her door all sorts of up.

I did a quick search around her living room and cursed aloud. She wasn't anywhere near there. And to top it all off, her animals that usually occupied her living space weren't there either. There were a few feathers and fur strands, besides that, there was nothing else for me to go on. So I swept the kitchen next, and if you guessed she wasn't there, then you're a goddamned genius.

See, I'm not the nosey type to just poke my head in and barge around your house, knocking stuff over. What I normally leave untidy, I clean afterwards. So while I searched, I put everything back in order to the best of my capabilities… But after a gander towards the unstable household, my best just wasn't enough.

She's not in the fridge, _duh_ , not in the cupboards… Where the hell is she? Oh just great! Missing, AND she left the damn stove on! Give me a break… I turned the stove off and turned to check the corners of her island.

She wouldn't have gone into the kitchen… right? Maybe the backyard? Good thoughts and all, but I had to stop when Angel stepped in and squeaked loudly. My head had snapped quickly, which is a new record for, _gaining my attention in seconds_ ,

"What? I'm a bit busy, Angel." I continued my look-see while conversing with the bunny, "Fluttershy is missing, her house is a wreck, and I can't for the life of me figure out why it's all fuggled like this!"

When Angel squeaked again, I immediately understood why. She wouldn't be here. Because if _I_ were Fluttershy, and this had happened to me, I would hide somewhere else _other than_ my living room. And her bunny pointed me in the direction I should go.

Upstairs.

But as I backtracked, the pieces of a small puzzle connected once I scanned over the living room again, noticing the pattern of the mess, the… blown open door whose locks and hinges had just seemed to have fallen off. (Whether that be my fault or somebody else's, I take no blame…)

I put down what I held in my arms and circled my steps back to the main room. The couch was tipped over, and so was the table. Behind the couch were her bird perches and several blankets. To the left, the perches were still standing, and on the right, they lay in ruin.

Rubbing my chin, I looked behind me noticing the door hinges for the third time. Picking one up, I pocketed it and stood slowly. So… something, or someone, _broke_ into her house? I don't get it, why would someone want to anyways? She doesn't own much, except a whole heaping pile of animals.

Which also begs me to ask why her animals left? All her pets are loyal from what I've seen, and yet, there are none here. Not a single one.

Angel was squeaking for me to go upstairs, where along the way littered many portraits and pictures of Fluttershy and her friends lay cracked. Although… I don't believe Fluttershy likes them caked in some sort of… brackish fluid. Imagine oil, I suppose, and add water to it. It looks almost rainbow like, and actually shines when you tilt your head just right.

Ignoring his protests as I picked up Angel, we climbed her steps cautiously, careful not to step on the pictures or make any loud noises. It was just a precaution because someone may still be here. " _Always be prepared._ "

There were loud bangs further upwards as we drew near, which almost made me stop in fear of someone coming. But when no one came, both Angel and I would sighed in relief, continuing as if nothing had happened.

I stopped just above the last step, my foot hovering above the floor barely. The reason we did not continue, were the simple choices Angel and I had made earlier that deemed to be that of very poor horror movie decisions. The door to Fluttershy's room was like the one below. Cracked and very much broken into.

But to _my_ horror, the door did not want to stay shut, and simply moved on its own. _Do I open it? Or do I be the smarter person and move on._ Honestly, I preferred the latter.

So then my inner conscience told me about the greater good… _Help Fluttershy_ , it said. _Be a man, not a mouse!_ , it squeaked in my ear. Might've been Angel actually. Regardless, that's when Angel and I passed a mutual look of displeasure... agreeing on the simple phrase,

" _Nut up, or shut up."_

I placed my foot down and for the time being, ignored the brackish stuff that squished beneath my feat. Honestly, I should've been paying attention to it, because a trail of it led from the stairs, into Fluttershy's room.

Now I know why Angel wanted to get my attention. Now I know why he made me feel pain in my face and head. It all fit together in one piece as I opened the door and saw the one being that was innocent to all, broken.

"Now I know why it's all fuggled…"

Because lying in the bed, wide eyed and shaking, was Fluttershy.

 **O.o.O.o.O**

 **A/N: Hey peeps! As you can see, I'm posting this update all early and stuff due to my nostalgic nature of being punctual.**

 **There's that, and this chapter was fairly easy to put out.**

 **But enough about that, Review time, Right?**

 _ **Reviews:**_

 **Alright, so first up, we have** Derpy101 **,** **who as I come time find out, layED OUT THE HUNDREDTH REVIEW, way to go Derpy! I hope you enjoyed the chapter as well as the last because heh… they were amazingly good fun to make.**

 **Then, there's** Hunterhero179 **! Yes, I finally got a chapter out in time! Can you believe it!?**

 **And finally,** S13NDYGUY, **ROFL, come at me bro, you helped, but you never fought me afterwards!**

 _ **End of Reviews**_

 **Alright! Peeps, don't forget to review, favorite and follow! Help the story grow, spread the word! Its Christmas time, Holidays, Tis the Season(?) Yadda yadda yadda, I hope you both enjoyed the chapter, and your own holiday!**

 **Keep on Derping!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15:**

 _My knee shook, violently I might add, in my own little nervous state because of what had just happened. From where I was, I could see the various doctors and nurses scamper about like chickens with their heads cut off. Not that they could do much at the moment. This case was just a small notch on a gun's kill count compared to the severity of what life the bullet had taken._

 _I did flag one of the more less occupied staff down, however, and shakily asked if they could grab me some peanuts and a nice cold drink of water. The lady smiled and merely walked away, not answering my question. I watched with hurt eyes as she disappeared, and went back to looking at the ground in dismay. It wasn't for the reason you'd have thought of, either. The peanuts and water wasn't for me, rather for who was in the room I was staying outside of._

 _Out of curiosity, my eyes wandered up to the rectangular hole that offered a view into her room. It'd been a few hours since_ _ **the incident**_ _. Why the two words sounded like an action movie gone wrong is beyond me… But the description fits as I do not wish to speak of what has happened._

 _It's like that time I tried a 'bloody mary'…. Completely forgot my night and woke up in my bathtub with twenty dollars taped to my face. Guess it didn't help that I apparently tried to buy something from a Zippy Mart and was Twenty bucks short. So the cashier wrote me a note telling me to get a job, starting me off with what I had nothing of._

 _I still have that money stashed at home..._

 _It's like clockwork though. I done fucked up many times before. And as the many times had gone by, I learned, so I wouldn't do them again. Natural process of drink, rinse,_ _ **and not repeating**_ _. So never again will I submit to drinking alcohol!_

 _...unless I'm really depressed._

 _Which happened recently. And I'll have you know, it's why I'm here right now in this damnable office! DON'T DO ALCOHOL KIDS._

 _Unless you are an adult._

"Excuse me? Tick, is it?"

My knee halted its rapid up-and-down movement. It was Redheart… And I was in no mood to submit to having my groin assaulted today. So my natural instinct was to take slow movements, as a kind of placating gesture,

"Yes?" See, the best thing to do in moments like these, is to be very cautious.

"Fluttershy is awake." Redheart blew a pink strand of hair from her muzzle, "And her friends are in there with her."

I nodded, "Thank you. I'll go in, in a minute." My hand dug into my pocket to fish out my cigarettes. I've gone through all of them, _I know this_ , but for some reason, my heart and mind plummeted once I saw the lone, cancerous rouge in the container.

"You do know you can't smoke. Correct?"

I chuckled, "Yeah. I know, here." I tossed her the packet, "As a nurse, you should be saying they're bad for me. In my defense, you stole them." I stood and cracked my back, reaching for the door afterwards.

Redheart caught the packet in her hooves and blinked, "This is… unexpected."

My hand stopped just above the handle, "I can always take them back."

Redheart sniffed, "I'll hold onto these until you depart."

I smiled, "Good mare."

Opening the door was like walking into the wrong classroom in high school. _You know_ you don't belong. Your existence is spitted on, stripped of rank, declared unfit for duty, and thrown into a grinder for some other poor sod to use as toilet paper.

 _All_ eyes were on me as soon as I stepped through those heavy doors. Granted, there was a window I could've glanced into before going in. But I was tired of waiting, I hadto see what was happening. I've been in the dark for five or six hours and needed the nourishment of the retired calamity.

Like with Rainbow Dash, a mere days ago, all six were gathered in one place. Except they weren't sleeping, or batting an eye as to what was going on. Hell, even Big Macintosh and the three amigos were here. Crusaders. Whatever…

Fluttershy, however, was _my_ main concern. And naturally when I saw that she was okay, I smiled, because hey, _she wasn't fucking_ _ **dead?**_ I'm betting you or anyone else really would be thankful about that.

She didn't look good though. I mean, yes she's in the hospital, she's being cared for and all, but I should've expected that she wasn't going to heal that quickly. But… Goddamn, she looked like the guy who had his brains sucked out in Starship Troopers! AND THAT WAS A MOVIE BEFORE YOUR TIME!

As impossible as it may otherwise have been, Fluttershy seemed even more pale than usual, and still had a crazed look in her eye. She had stopped shaking and was rid of the black tar, but her body had taken a more dreadful hit, and became thinner. At least that's what I saw from my own point of view.

But like I said, I walked in, noticed that the bedridden pegasus had gathered the whole town, and smiled. She was okay… For the most part.

God was I so wrong…

I walked in, Fluttershy flipped the fuck OUT. So did everyone that was near her, or in the same vicinity except for the Crusaders and Derpy who looked about as confused as I was.

Fluttershy dove under her covers and cried out in the most horrible of screams I have ever heard. You think she was scared? How did you think I felt? She flipped out, I jumped back, and about busted my ass out into the hallway.

The premise of all this, was she didn't want to see me, like at all.

"N-NO, GET OUT! I-... I DON'T WANT TO!" She wasn't afraid of me… because there's a look in someone's eyes when they are _scared_. Fluttershy wasn't scared of me - rather...

It appeared she was scared of being near me.

Everyone had turned to look at me with hardened gazes after she had screamed and disappeared under her sheets. Which confused me even more. Was there somebody beHIND ME?! NO? It was just the wall. Stupid wall…

"Guys? What's wrong?" Shit… A bad time to try and get some information out of someone if you've just been nothing but an asshole the whole time. I guess I wasn't all that surprised when nobody said nothing. NO-THING.

The only sound was Fluttershy and her weeping, which only heightened my anxiety. Some of her friends grouped closer and did their best to quiet the shivering mare. But whenever she tried peeking her covers, I was there, and Shy would go back to what she had been doing before.

Someone spoke. Not going to comment who, but it wasn't a, _hey Tick, how are ya?_ Nor was it a, _You look nice today!_

It was,

"What did you do to her…"

And it was spoken in a angry tone as if they were in disbelief that I had done such a grave thing. Obviously, I answered a question... with a question,

"Did what to whom?"

The voice that had spoken before, spoke again, this time showing me a face full of tears and anger. I was unprepared, shocked and caught off guard when Rainbow Dash decided to full out deck me in the gut,

"FLUTTERSHY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO FLUTTERSHY?!"

Damn… She knew how to punch. That, and she knew how to fly, work her mouth ( _for all of you sexual people, shut the fuck up_ ), and be a serious pain all at the same time. Dash did have a point in doing all this, and God save the Queen if I wasn't going to try and be a pussy about all of it.

"I didn't do a damn thing! Asshole… Besides bringing her in, I don't know what's been happening!"

Dash sniffed, "Don't you dare say that. Don't deny what you've done, we've all heard from Shy what happened, and saw what was left of her home."

I coughed, "So you've seen the black pools littered about too, then."

"What black pools? We went to her place, all we saw was her furniture and photos tossed around as if she'd put up a fight!"

Sniffing, I tried looking for a chair to sit down in, found none, cried about it and decided to sit on the cold hard floor,

"Right, well, you only got half the story correct my feathered fierce friend." I gave her a hopeless grin, "Somebody did try to get her. And they left that weird black shit that I found covering her and half the damn house." Rubbing the spot where Rainbow had _powed_ me in the kisser, I shrugged, "I got there a little late though. Seemed to have happened right after I left the diner."

"Oh really?"

I nodded, "Yes really. I'm pretty sure Rarity can attest that I was with Spike this morning, and Twilight can't deny that she kicked me out of her house. I sure as hell wasn't going to visit Applejack and Pinkie when they were trying to set me up a party."

Pinkie gasped, "Hey! It was supposed to be a surprise!"

I threw my hands out, "Loose lips, sink ships darling. And besides, I probably wouldn't have gone. I had a headache after Twilight _beat_ me to death."

Twilight growled, "With a book."

I snorted, "It was a dictionary dear, and don't lie to me when I say you wanted my head on a pike."

Grumbling in disbelief, Twilight spoke no other quarrel or sent any snark my way.

But then again, there were those who needed physical proof, rather than verbal. AJ, the farmer, was one of those persons/ponies. Also might've been because she was the element of honesty or some crap like that.

Applejack spoke in an endearing tone, sending chills up my spine, "If ah think you did what ya did… Then you ain't going nowhere but Tartarus…"

Ah yes… The ponified version of hell. Very nice place _if_ you like spikes, dead ponies, a pissed off version of Satan that has wings and a singular horn, and finally that endless chasm of death with flames spitting out of it, daring you to just try and wave your hand over.

"I'd gladly take that over this place any day." I glanced up, "But you can keep your stetson," then over to Dash, "And your feathers on. I'm innocent to a certain degree."

"And that degree is?"

I sighed, "Like I said, I _was_ in her house, yes."

Dash threw a hoof over my head, _which I ducked like the badass I am,_ "I KNEW IT!"

"BUT, only because I tried smiting her stupid bunny."

Rarity cocked her head, "Angel?"

I looked towards Big Macintosh, who had silently moved behind me in case I tried swinging at anybody. And… just as a side note, might I say that he looks as though he could squeeze my head like a toothpaste bottle between his thighs? GREAT SQUATS!

"Eyeup. Little bastard got my eye and made me chase him down." Shrugging, I blew my lip, "He took me to Shy's place, and… when I saw what her place was like… I… Well I may have pilfered about."

Scratching my head, I looked to the angered faces of those standing around me, "Then I found Fluttershy. After that, I ran her here. The rest is… well it's a bit hazy."

There were these two mares in the room along with several unknown others… Aloe… and Vera? No… Aloe and something. Anyway, Aloe spoke up from the corner of the room with a exposition of fact,

"He could be telling the truth… Fluttershy was supposed to stop in for her daily visit at our Spa. She wasn't there, nor was Rarity." Aloe had a sexy accent...

Rarity then commented with another heartwarming opinion, "Apologies, I was supposed to come pick her up… and he came barreling out of her home… I thought the worst!" All eyes went to the gardened mare, who in turn chuckled nervously,

"I… Uh...see… That I should've… Said something earlier…"

With a flat expression, I added,

"And you punched me?"

Dash nodded slowly, "Next time I want to punch you, You'll get a, _Get outta punch free_ card."

We then both proceeded to brofist and she was nice enough to pick me up from my spot on the floor. Murmurs started to spread around at that point, as every pony began to wonder just who did it. Who would be the unlucky sod to cross paths with these fine folks, and brutish pegasi?

I listened as I dusted myself off, trying to see how I could get mad with these creatures of folklore and myth. Maybe lash out in retaliation for such a rude hello. But I couldn't. These ponies had such a close knit relation with one another, that because something like this had happened, they've all become rather hostile to the thing, or person, who had done Fluttershy harm.

Hell, place that fucker in front of me, and I'll throw hands left and right too.

"I may not be the only one guessing right now… But if Tick didn't do it…" Said Derpy, gaining almost everyone's attention immediately,

"Then who did?"

 **O.o.O.o.O**

" **DID YOU DO WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE, OR NOT?!** "

There was a pair, filling a strangely dim litted landscape. Nothing too special about the hill they were upon, other than the moon which defiantly shed its eyes onto both. It casted shadows, and played with the lantern one of the two had put on a small stump for lighting.

After the loud, shrill voice cut the night air, A lanky and fairly thin stallion clutched his ears and shakily chuckled, "No, but your tone of voice would've done the trick better. The Element of Kindness is known to be more frightened around loud noises, rather than trickery of the mind."

" **WELL IT APPEARS WE ARE IN A CONUNDRUM.** "

The lanky stallion rolled his eyes, "Thank you, Anger, for stating the obvious." He had started walking away, but turned and raised a brow, "Would you like to share with me another simple problem?"

Anger, a small but rather solidly built foal, nodded, " **YES, IT SEEMS I AM ALL OUT OF OATS, FEAR.** "

Fear murmured, "Oats?" Shaking his head, Fear scoffed, "Why in the Dickens is that a _problem?!_ "

Anger slammed a hoof down in an attempt of looking tough, but failed and merely looked as if he were throwing a tantrum, " **I AM HUNGRY, AND IN NEED OF SUSTENANCE.** "

Fear flattened his expression, "I am about five seconds from kicking you into the nearest shallow pool and watching you squirm."

" **YOU WOULDN'T DARE.** "

Fear waved his hooves, "Why does everyone think my threats are idle?! That's the same thing the shy one said before choking on her own bile."

" **NASTY BUSINESS**."

Fear grumbled another threat, "Yes well, you were no help."

" **SHE WAS STRONG IN THE WAY OF HER EYE.** "

Fear laughed darkly, "For you, maybe. But it was null and rather void on me."

"Keep talking like that, and you'll end up taking my job."

Fear was caught off guard after being interrupted, and said without looking away from his cohort, "Pride. A surprise." He then cast his eyes toward the mare making her way up the hill slowly,

"Still out of shape,"

Pride nodded, "And practice…" She then flopped onto the top of the hill, flapping her wings as she did so, "Would've used them… But I wanted to take the scenic route."

Fear snorted, "Keep telling yourself that."

Disregarding any useless phrases sent her way, Pride smiled, "Anger, nice to see you haven't changed."

" **NO THANKS TO ANY OF YOU.** "

Pride and Fear blinked, both then proceeding to slowly reach for their ears. The former whispered, "Is he still-"

The latter agreed, tight-lipped, "Yes he is."

" **IS THE TOPIC ABOUT ME?** "

Pride immediately chuckled nervously, "Of course not! Why would it ever be so?"

"Because he's the loudest thing since, _The Great Explosion_."

Fear nodded and laughed under his breath, "Which was the greatest time of my reign, I might add."

"And where was I when they wrote of it in the books?"

Anger smiled crudely. " **YOU WERE BEHIND THE SCENES, ONE UPPING A RULER. I DO BELIEVE HIS NAME WAS REGINALD.** "

A new mare, probably another unnamed element, just throwing it out there, sighed and decided to plop herself down next to the lantern,

"His name was not, Reginald. I cannot bear the thought of actually rutting somepony with a name that houses three syllables."

Two more ponies, a stallion and another foal stepped up to the hilltop, the stallion was grinning widely, "Oh? What about me, dearest Lust?"

Lust blinked her oddly pink eyes and curled her lip, "I was drunk off of salt and cider. You were an accident."

The foal snickered, "And then you cried in a corner for a few days, Deception, all because she wouldn't do your mind a favor."

Deception grumbled, "Oh shut up, midget. She'd never go for you."

Solitude rubbed his chin, "I dunno pal… I hear mares love a good belly rub."

Both fell into snickers when Lust threw grass at them in anger. Meanwhile, Pride and Fear sat in silence, questioning their existence with a foal yelling in their ears,

" **IT APPEARS WE ARE ALL HERE. SHALL WE COMMENCE?!** "

Fear rubbed his eardrum and shrugged, "Feel like we should. I mean, technically, there should be seven of us, but he had to go and get turned into stone."

Solitude laughed aloud, "Yes, I know! He complains to me all the time!"

And then everybody tried figuring out whether he was talking to them, or himself. Regardless, Fear dimmed the lantern and smiled,

"So, I trust everypony's travel was concluded in safety?"

"More or less."

"Eh. It was alright."

"Made a town burn themselves alive…" Heads turned to Solitude, who had spoken too soon. When he noticed the stares, heshook his head,"Not for real! Heavens, I'm evil, not a monster."

Deception snickered, "I was about to say, Solitude goo-"

"No see, it was an accident. I may have accidentally tripped whilst carrying a match into the nearest Powder Keg refinery."

Jaws went slack, and Solitude grunted, "I'm still picking the grit out of my teeth."

" **EXPLOSIVE SITUATION.** "

Fear grunted, "Okay! That's enough. I'm sure all of us had their own kind of fun, and I'll be glad to hear about it, LATER. But right now, I'd like to hear about how we're going to commit heinous acts of justice."

"You mean evil."

Fear sighed as his shoulder went slack, "No I-" He growled, "Fine." Rolling his eyes he worked his lips, "Heinous acts of _Evil_. Happy?"

" **JUSTICE SOUNDED A MIGHT BETTER.** "

Pride looked over Fear's shoulder, "Was uh… anypony… talking to you?"

" **NO. BUT MY INPUT IS WELL APPRECIATED.** "

"Keep telling yourself that. Anyways," Fear leaned forward, "Glad you four could make it in time for the party to start."

" **I LIKE-** "

"OH WOULD YOU- SSHHHHHH!" Fear rubbed his muzzle in a vain attempt to calm down, "Blimey! Can't a stallion get a damn word out of his mouth before you go screaming out your blasphemy?!"

Anger stayed silent, but blinked his apologies.

"Right, as I was saying, while you were off doing who knows what, Pride and I have been hard at work putting our own two bits in here and there, keeping what we need - on their hooves." Pride shuffled in place at the mention of her name, but said nothing, allowing the dark pony to continue.

"But now that you are here, we can finally finish what we started a long time ago."

Deception raised his hoof, "Skip the history, because it's boring, and get onto the details of it all, please."

Fear frowned, "Aw… but I liked the history part… Can't I just-"

"NO."

Throwing his hooves up, Fear sighed, "Okay! Fine! Jeez… Found the human. Plain and simple."

Solitude murmured, "So it _is_ true. The one being that doesn't have a presence is here…"

Pride giggled, "Mm… And smart. If you think our little tricks or knickknacks will work on him, think again. He's also very selfish, crude, and vulgar in the ways of language usage."

Lust raised both brows, "My kind of guy." Which then constituted Deception to become rather butthurt.

" **SO WHAT IS NEEDED OF US?** "

Fear clapped his hooves together, "An excellent question!" Delving into a little knapsack he had brought for guarding, and other purposes, Fear produced a small orb,

"Don't want to ruin everyone's spirits, but I've been able to keep a watchful eye on the human."

Several groans and moans ripped through the night, "Aw… Fear **…** Seriously? An orb?"

Fear silenced them all with a quick, "SHHH! KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN."

" **YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS YELLING.** "

"DAMMIT ANGER!"

Pride whooped, "Just get on with it."

After hearing that, the dark pony growled "Anything else before I continue?" When his eyes glanced over no talkative nor suggestive actions, Fear laughed menacingly,

"Then let the downfall begin… Starting with their trusts…"

 **O.o.O.o.O**


End file.
